So I wrote a small clipit about safeword shaming FetLife and I got more of a response than I expected. So I wanted to go into further detail about this because I still see the subtle nature of this very dangerous shaming tactic some us are still a part of or felt at some point in our lives.
What is safeword shaming?
Simply put, its putting someone or yourself down in a negative way for stopping a BDSM scene. Sometimes this happens from the top, sometimes this happens from the bottom.
I break it down in to 3 types with 2 sub-types. Externalized Shaming and Internalized Shaming, both of with can be Active Aggressive or Passive Aggressive. Lastly there is Social Shaming.
How do I recognize safeword shaming?
Well lets start with the most noticeable type, External-Active. This form is were a person is projecting onto another person a pressure of activity. "You safeworded at that?!", "You Red way to fast.", "You will go further next time." are good examples of this. The next type would be External-Passive, "I can't believe that's all you can take.", "Next time you can try harder.", "I thought you could take more than that." This all means it coming from someone else and it doesn't necessarily mean your top. This can be a friend or onlooker too.
The more dangerous type in my opinion is Internalized shaming. I also feel this is far more common and were many of us can be faulted for. I've personally suffered for this mindset, so I know well of its dangers. First, the Internal-Active is more voicing out your concern for not taking enough or stopping to soon. Common comments might seem like "I can do better", "I'm sorry I wussed out", or "I can't believe I quit so soon". As for Internal-Passive, this is more reflecting in your own thoughts the very same feelings as the active type, but only saying it to yourself. This is dangerous as it sets you up for pushing your own limits beyond what your mind and body can sometimes handle. Whats worse is your partner or friend will not see you doing this to yourself.
You are capable of abusing your own body and mind.
These Internalized concerns can be legit and not shaming, but the context of care and self-care with how this concerns are addressed by both parties are very important.
Social shaming is the teaching to groups of people that Red must have incur reaction such as intervention of a scene from other people, medical personal called, separating the top and bottom, house rules that these people my not play the rest of the night or worse. I have more on this a bit later.
It means there are many of us that are setting ourselves up for failure and something more dangerous, pushing our limits. Either of these two things can happen is you succumb to safeword shaming, and that's going to either make you or another person feel like they failed, or its going to make yourself push further and further for a unhealthy reason, increasing your risk of harm.
First and foremost, encourage the use of safewords. Some people don't believe in safewords and like Yes, No, Go, and Stop. This still applies. Encourage your partners and friends to stopping or slowing a scene and praise them for it. The moment you use a word to change the course of a scene, it builds trust and helps encourage healthy growth for you both.
When in doubt, Communicate!
During negotiations, as a top, tell your bottom that saying yellow/red is good and welcome. As a bottom, I even let my tops know they are even welcome to call red if they over exert themselves or I push them into a area that is uncomfortable for their mind or skills.
Tops should NOT be afraid to call "Red" themselves!
I personally feel we need to stop teaching everyone that saying "Red" like it's the end of the world. I hear a lot of panels, classes, meetings and groups talk like saying "red" is the end of the world and everything needs to stop, EMTs need to be called, the top needs to be handcuffed, and everyone needs to protect the bottom (over exaggerated of course, but the point stands). This is bad stigma for red and very dangerous teachings for new people. The word is now getting a social pressure that steps up an expectation that if you call "Red" someone is going to be in trouble. Save this type of reaction for when someone calls "Help!"
"Red is good, Help means help", say it again to yourself!
Personally, I like the system of Yellow/Red/Help and in that order of severity. Help should be one of those words, even in non-con that should be held sacred. Everyone, even vanillas know what "help" means. Yellow means slow, red means stop, and help means I need help. Pretty damn simple and there is no confusion over red and what needs to happen.
In conclusion, this is how I feel over the direction of yellow/red and how I see it being handled in a rather common form. There are also people that don't personally like safewords and rather use a word for word system. No means no, stop means stop. That's okay to. It all still applies no matter what you say so long as your partner knows your intentions and boundaries.
Be proud to stop your scene!
Lastly, I'm not a know-it-all or pretend to be right. I just want the community to always strive to be safer and if my idea catches.. it catches. If not, helpfully someone will improve on it and the community still becomes safer.
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
titsay
vaporwave
jbbartram-illu
