I was pretty allergic to looking beautiful or feminine when I was younger--partly for feminism reasons, partly for gender reasons, partly just because it seemed like an impossible mountain of tasks and expenses. Now that I'm on the back half of my 30s I have more money and knowledge and willingness to try, and now that most of my years of thick blonde hair are behind me, I feel some regret about not beauty-maxxing earlier. As I remember who I was through those years though--gosh I couldn't have handled actually looking good. Looking the way I did, being as low effort and anti-feminine as I was, I still barely survived the make violence and female relational aggression I went through. Maybe my refusal to try in my prime was a self-protective move because I knew I couldn't play the game.