Folks who didn’t have tumblr before 2010-2011ish didn’t have to deal with all those fucking gifs of that guy who worked as Peter Pan at Disneyland and subsequently hear about the drama that ensued when Tumblr Kids kept fuckig stalking him at work

“But people lie about their age” YEAH PEOPLE LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE TO DO ALL KINDS OF SHIT. WHEN I WORKED AT THE GROCERY STORE PEOPLE LIED ABOUT THEIR AGE TO GET BEER. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DIDN’T BAN ALL BEER, WE REQUIRED AN ID CHECK, YES, KNOWING THAT SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIE. BECAUSE THE FAULT WAS THEIRS BECAUSE THEY LIED.

i’m so fucking terrified that a persona character is in smash because that means a danganronpa character is now completely within the realm of possibility

sir that’s my emotional support hyperfixation

“can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding” is the most concise and powerful dismissal of people who are “jokingly” racist and i can’t believe it’s from a They Might Be Giants song

the way teenagers are presented in media is so fucking funny like u think this is how sixteen year olds speak. do u think they really communicate in dramatic monologues and deep metaphors and references to great literature. half my high school didn’t know what a metaphor was.

It’s alright, you can just say John Green.

Tumblr (a hell pit): You try to serve yourself a baked potato. An angry child runs up and slaps the plate out of your hand. “NIGHTSHADE PLANTS ARE POISONOUS,” the child yells. You are hungry. The child gives you a turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a kick on the shin.

The fact that a potato is replaced with a different form of potato is what makes that last one so accurate.

Suddenly I have a craving for lemon hummus.

*finishes a game* haha what the fuck *reads the wiki for 12 hours*

tumblr sucked yet its the only thing people like us could ever have posted on. tumblr was a deep sea geothermal vent and we are all pallid, desperate crabs snapping at the dark toxcic nutrients spweing from its hole, and bringing us into the harsh light of the instagram influencersphere would kill us instantly. 

modern horror story: a single 200 chapter fic on ao3 summarized as a “collection of drabbles.” it is tagged for 200 different fandoms and every single character who so much as breathes in any of the chapters. it takes you an hour to scroll past. it is always at the top of your search results because it updates three times a week.

like I go on social media platforms sometimes, and I’ll put up with anything. i’ll log on to some garbage website, i don’t wanna name an actual website so let’s just make one up. let’s call it “tumblr”. so i’ll log onto tumblr and i’ll go, “can you ban all the porn bots?” and they go, “no, we’re not gonna do anything about it” and I go, “okaaay!” and then I go watch something on netflix. and then i come back to tumblr and I go, “any updates?” and they go “yeah, we flagged a bunch of posts incorrectly and deleted blogs that had nothing to do with the porn bots. because we hate you. now take this pointless april fool’s gag that doesn’t matter, go fetch!” and I go “okaaay!” and I @ staff and go, “can I have my blog back please?“ and they go “NO!” and I go “okaaay!” and they go, “you’re a little naive user, aren’t you?” and I go “nooo,” and they go “SAY IT!” and I go “i’m a little naive user.“ and then I go over to the tumblr support link (which is an oxymoron) and I go, “can this please be a functioning website?” and they go “no! in fact, we’re gonna ban all nudity on this site indiscriminately! and we’re going to keep incorrectly flagging sfw posts with our shitty algorithm! and we’re not gonna do anything about the white nationalists!” and I go “why are you doing this to me?!” and they go, “because we’re tumblr staff, and life is a fucking nightmare!”

This is the best one

look at this fucking baby

“I was in Wisconsin and 12 when Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed were killed in Paris. You can feel the T.V., it’s warm.”