Moontyger

It isn't as if Julien wanted this to happen. This--this obsession that he has, it's dangerous. Caring gets you killed. Teor's body, still warm, can speak to that. And yet: the Tachonis boy.

What had he been thinking? Jumping out a window without a second thought, trusting Occtis' word more than gravity. And then, of course, the rest of it; the terrible fear in Occtis voice, the anger, those poison green eyes. His gaze had seemed to pin Julien to the spot. Why do you care? And Julien couldn't answer. Because Occtis was dangerous, surely. Because he was the key to defeating the Tachonis. Because he was the only link to a life Julien knows is dead forever.

But he didn't use any of those (perfectly reasonable, rehearsed) excuses. Instead he choked on his words for about an eternity before blathering something about what Occtis' family might still want with him. It wasn't a lie--I don't want them to get their hands on you--but it wasn't the truth, either. Because the truth, Julien knows, is not that he's afraid of, by losing Occtis, gaining another enemy, but losing another friend. The truth is that Julien has seen the violent bruising around Occtis' neck, the jagged line down his sternum, and aches at the thought of what else such a family could do.

Thankfully, Occtis didn't catch on. Quite the opposite, actually, if the flash of hurt in his eyes was to be believed. But as Occtis spat dismissals in barely-cloaked terror, Julien wondered if this was really any better. He could barely admit his...affection, obsession, whatever--to himself; voicing it to Occtis was out of the question. But Julien could tell that when Occtis said the only two people who care about me, he believed it. And once again, against all logic, Julien ached.

So he followed. Of course he followed. And thank the dead gods he did--if not for Julien, Occtis might still be frozen in place, staring at the man that--Julien is beginning to realize--has hurt him far more than his current scars belie. It's such a far cry from the sharp-witted, terrifying necromancer Julien's been traveling with that a new kind of hatred for Primus Tachonis enters his heart. When he kills that man, he will do it for his father, his home, his honor--yes. But he will also do it for the life of Occtis Tachonis, who trembled under Julien's arm the whole way back to the Fang house.

And now--here they are. Occtis still convinced that Julien sees him as a tool at best, Julien still despairing every time catching those poison eyes sends a thrill down his spine. Orbiting each other like twin stars. Julien tries to kill this caring, he really does. There is every possibility that Occtis will be dead tomorrow, one of his many enemies catching up to him, and Julien cannot afford to fall apart again if that happens. It seems, though, that Julien's affection takes after the boy himself: it simply will not die. Occtis Tachonis is dangerous, heartless, terrified and terrifying. He hates Julien's guts and believes Julien feels the same. And, shapers damn him, Julien Davinos doesn't care. He wants to follow this beautiful, wretched creature into realms beyond, if it means keeping him safe. He wants to never see that petrified look on Occtis' face again. He wants--damn it all--to hold him, just that, without the threat of imminent death.

So, if any trans men are being told about this, it’s not true!! Smoking will not change your voice, at least not until you’re about forty years down the line and you’ve already irreparably destroyed your lungs and throat and mouth and pretty much every other organ in your body. When you hear heavy smokers with deeper, scratchier voices it is literally because their vocal cords have been ruined. This is not a passive effect of smoking, it is a very very damaging one!

It’s simply not worth it! There will be no meaningful changes except terrible ones. Voice training will do a lot more for you than cigarettes will, I promise that the people urging you to start smoking as a voice training method do not have your best interests at heart!

(And you know what, this also goes for not eating due to the idea that starving yourself will decrease your chest size. Like with smoking, there will be no meaningful changes except terrible ones. Your body is worth so much more than that and there will always be healthier alternatives!)

(Btw, afaik smoking only has this effect on estrogen from HRT. Estrogen that AFAB bodies produce naturally is not affected, so smoking is still bad for trans men)

I think also in that conversation, I had a couple people tell me that the book The Easy Way to Quit Smoking is, despite the gimmicky title, genuinely helpful.

If quitting for yourself seems too abstract and it’s hard to care, think about everyone around you. Someone with asthma or migraines will breathe easier if they’re not risking an attack from standing near you.

Lastly, some queer history: a 90’s tobacco marketing campaign that targeted gay men was literally called Project SCUM. That’s what they think of us. Don’t give them your money.

All your art is beautiful and amazing btw!

It’s kinda silly, but I had a very religious upbringing and was taught I’d live for eternity and that I must devote my life to god in order to gain a spot in heaven - which sounded like absolute purgatory to my child self. I didn’t even ask to be born, and now you’re telling me I have to keep this bit up FOREVER? A lifetime is already overwhelming, let alone eternity.

This is very stupid but it’s genuinely what I think about every time I consider skipping dinner after work