daysleeper

Hung out with an old friend. I've missed hanging with people platonically and openly. Excited for the next hang and what it entails.

Having dreams of an old ex. I think this time spent sober has allowed me to confront emotions I've been suppressing. Which is good and I guess the dreams are good in detail and content. But vivid in the sense of symbolism or surreal plots. It's strange the predicament that my ex and I were in but in the dream we were friends again. And I don't think we could ever be friends again irl. It's strange but there was this emotion of warmth and longing. Not that I feel that way, maybe I do. I wish I ended things differently. I forgive myself but I was strung out on these addictions. I feel bad that she was a casualty of that. I also just feel bad for the way I allowed my friends to get in the middle of my relationships. I put them there when really it was my responsibility to handle my circumstances. Even for their input I allow to much authority of their thoughts to weigh in unto my own. It's sad that I've allowed this to happen and to think this is okay for so long. What concerns a relationship is me and the person I'm with. Maybe I'm confusing confiding and jurying. I don't need to make a case in order for me to feel good or look better. And if I am, it's saying something about the nature of me. Do I not perceive myself as a good partner? Am I trying to justify these flaws? Or sic an outside audience unto the "misery" of my relationship? What have I been doing all this time I thought I was fixing myself? Drinking. Drinking. Drinking it to oblivion so I didn't have time to self reflect. I thought I was doing better but i was doing it wrong. Trying to solve my problems without eliminating the common denominator and then working through it. I wish I got sober sooner. But I'm glad I'm recognizing the harm now. It's funny it's been 5/6 years since we broke up and I'm now getting that acceptance/forgiveness feeling. I'm just far behind i guess but better now than later. I do feel better about myself and I've made leaps and bounds as far as healing goes. I'm just somber and reflective. Relief. I need to write more I feel better now

I just have no appetite for anything at the moment. I've become a tunnel as thoughts race through. Just echoes of sounds. Everything i thought I put in has amounted to near nothing. I knew this would be the outcome and I was happier then knowing this would be a way to live. Living through it is just malaise. My body is cheering in abundance but my brain couldn't be more uneasy. If this is the cost than I am content to wade through these waters. I am just worried nothing will come after a year passes, finding myself in the same state when I started this journey. I'll be even more disappointed if I fail this task and sink deeper. I thank the soul for helping me find my sobriety. I realize today that when asked I did it for both of us but after they decided that in my struggles they would falter, I would make this my own promise. It's a promise im desperately trying to keep. Proving to myself I am worthy of health and wealth. I just hope I can find what im looking for. I'm healing I just need to find a purpose now.