Monsters Dudes and Pizza Parties

TO:  The Jarl of Hirot and His Council of Thegns

BUILDING INSPECTOR REPORT:  False Tomb, Serpentine Mound of the Ulfheonar, outlands of Hirot.

NATURE OF INCIDENT:  Collapsed ceiling. EXTENT OF DAMAGE:  Giant stone slab sealed entryway, room filled with approximately 60 tons of rubble.  The masterwork shield and spear housed in the chamber are believed to be lost or destroyed.  Total cost of damage is 300 gp for the missing shield and spear plus approximately four thousand man-hours to clear the chamber of debris and cart it outside of the serpentine mound, potentially more hours if anyone dies within the tomb and becomes a hideously animated tomb ghoul.

CASUALTIES:  Human casualties include a woodcutter of Hirot named Stumpy Nubbins.  Demihuman casualties include a dwarf, of neighboring village Woyjek, named Pill Clinton; a halfling sailor of Hirot named JP, a dwarven ratcatcher named Fat Anthony, believed to be of Woyjek.

CAUSE OF INCIDENT:  Without eyewitness accounts, report must rely on probabilities, listed in increasing order of likelihood:

Seismic activity: 1% likelihood.

Angry deity: 3% likelihood.

Shoddy masonry 5% likelihood.

Grave robber triggered column trap in middle of chamber that collapsed the ceiling:  91% likelihood.

This brings the year to date number of ceiling collapse incidences in Hirot and its surrounding environs to 16.  The causes are listed below, in decreasing order.

8 collapses:  Grave robbers triggering collapsing ceiling traps.

5 collapses:  Huge demon hound crashing through roof like a meteor of terror and bloodshed.

2 collapses:  Shoddy workmanship/maintenance.

1 collapse:   Mass public intoxication.

RECOMMENDATIONS:  Either raise the penalty for grave robbing or forbid the construction of collapsing-ceiling traps.  Secondarily, appease or destroy the giant demon terrorhound that thirsts for our bone marrow.  Tertiary recommendation:  Triennial inspections of hovels at least 8' in height, annual inspections of all huts, cottages, buildings or longhalls greater than 10' in height or of more than one story.

Signed:

Graf Blodeswick,

If Adventurers Wanted to Help They Should Sacrifice Selves

I'm sick of these so-called "adventurers" just traipsing into town and thinking they can go about disrupting the arrangements we have.  Every third day we sacrifice someone to that demon hound.  It's practically a ritual at this point, like the Ice Cream Social and the harvest dance.  There are easily twenty of these adventurers, they could prolong the life of our village by TWO MONTHS if they would simply offer themselves up one at a time every three days.  This town has a stalwart, handsome Jarl who is very fair minded and not at all a coward, the villagers should trust him and not these scroungy outlanders.

--Anonymous

Animal control?

Look.  I know there's that demon hound that can easily climb the palisade wall and tear into anyone's home under the dark of night.  And I know winter is coming and there are few people left to tend the crops.  But can someone PLEASE do something about the swamp jackals in the fens?  I heard they killed some elf potmaker on Tuesday.  HELLO! our last potmaker was taken by the hound in the spring and WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON CERAMIC GOODS.  If the Jarl can't control the mundane beasts in the haunted, evil fens that surround our village, I think we should start questioning his ability to handle the fell chaotic nightbeast that has taken over 100 of Hirot's souls.

--Gwynyth Ivanova, 65

Village's plight can be traced back to impostor king

When will you sheeple wake up!  The writing is ON THE WALL in letters so big that even illiterate people can read it, but even so people are too comfortable with their daub-and-wattle homes and their sky burials and their cattle to really LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE.  Three and thirty moons ago the half-elf IMPOSTOR was crowned Emperor of the Snows by the celestial boyars (against the will of the peasantry I might add!) and now look at where we're at:  the devaluation of the copper coin, a ravenous beast slaying villagers, and true patriots locked up in the village gaol for "being drunk and hollering in the daylight hours."  I hope you are all ready for the crackdown, when regular peasants are trod under the jackboots of adventurers, demihumans and illegal extraplanars.  

I'm a long time COPS fan, and I think that the Metro City series has been fantastic.  Love seeing the grouchy chief, think the antics of the perps are hilarious.

THAT SAID:  The most recent episode, the one where the cops break up the hot dog vendors who were selling designer drugs to area rockabilly gangs, was a TOTAL STINKER.

I mean, really.  Not only were the busts terrible (a cop getting knocked out in one punch by an auto mechanic?) but the police work was WAY out of line.  I've been watching this show for years to prepare for a career in law enforcement and I don't think you get to do things like sneak into a city councilman's house or just blow people away with a shotgun.  

Plus that one cop dressed up as a waterside prostitute eating a bunch of hot doges after arresting that dude?  These guys make police officers look like idiots!

Also I find it hard to believe that COPS would willingly allow its crew members to participate in firefights, and show their crew members getting gunned down alongside cops by disgruntled foodservice union members. in an armed anarchist squat.  IF I WANTED FANTASY I WOULD WATCH COPS: CITY OF BRAAVOS EDITION.

Seriously the only cool parts were when this one cop leapt to his feet and knocked down his guards then started shooting at this special forces guy.  That guy took like a million bullets and still kept shooting.

POLAR SPAR KOLACHNIY BOY APPRECIATION SOCIETY NEWS

This week in fighting--Hirot

Two monumental one-on-one fights took place in and around the village of Hirot this week.  Located at the base of Trolltooth Mountain, Hirot falls within the "Eastern Valleys" region of the Southern Spar Kolachniy Boy Combat  Federation. The first battle, between the Jarl of Hirot and a traveling pugilist named Hoodrow Trillson ended almost as quickly as it began.  Trillson challenged and the Jarl answered, mandating personal weapons for the fight.  Longsword clashed against Axe and Hoodrow was struck down in a single blow.  Originally thought to be dead, Trillson was discovered to have been grievously wounded.  

The Jarl commented on the fight, saying "The Jarl accepts all challenges! THE JARL ACCEPTS ALL CHALLENGES!"

Trillson, in recovery, had no comment.  One of his companions, a cleric named Ira Gation, waxed philosophical: "sometimes it's all just a roll of the dice--you challenged a dude and he fucking smote you and then you're gone." THE SECOND FIGHT, occurring in the heart of the sunken fens, was a much more serious affair.  A one on one pankration match was fought between Grom the Level 1 wizard and Whoopi Ghostberg the level 0 Elven potter, both of Woyjek.   Grom began the challenge, held on the edge of the 20 ft wide sinkhole that drains the swamp into an unfathomable subterranean river network, with a grapple to the elf.  The elf, being lithe and of quick reflexes, neatly stepped past the attack and countered, reversing the blow.  Grom, losing his footing, plummeted into the chasm, where it is believed he perished.

*Hill Kingdoms and Suzereinities of ezmetekh*

Nikki Minaj the level 0 guild beggar, of Baikul, perished on Tuesday. Her skeleton was pulled out of her body by a weird faceless insect-man that made piping noises from coral-like back tumors.  She left behind a begging bowl and two parents, both penniless rice farmers.  Flowers may be sent to the ruined wat in the jungle, but her friends ask that you please do NOT disturb the circle of bone ash surrounding the complex. Lord Beavis the level 0 grave digger, also of Baikul, left the living on Tuesday, victim to an ambush from a boneless leech-rat hiding in a wizard's ruined bed.  Then he came back to the living.  He died again shortly thereafter, from a spearthrust by a magically animated tin soldier. Lord Beavis, a popular figure in Baikul, was known for his antics, like "digging graves" and "eating food".  In entirely related news, a gravedigger position is now available in Baikul.  Must provide own shovel.

Melvin, Baikul's level 0 tax collector, matched swords with a swinging blade trap in the ruined wat.  He was a tax collector so he won't really be missed, but we felt it important to list his death notice here.  He leaves behind him a slightly nicer hovel, a long sword, and a blood-soaked suit of fancy clothes.

(WYJEK)

We met as part of a torch and pitchfork mob on our way to kill the ghost of that witch Yulina because she caused our crops to fail and also killed the town's only priestess.  

I was the Dwarven woodcutter who had the hand-axe that helped run down and kill that ensorcelled woodsman who shot at us with arrows.  You were the finely dressed merchant who managed to finagle a knife off of one of those uptight acolytes.

I didn't realize that love was growing between us until we were in that witch's cabin.  I don't know if it was the fact that the cabin had chicken legs, or if it was because we had to fight a sentient ivy plant to get in the house, but there was definitely magic in the air.  Like, regular magic and also soulmate magic. Anyway mere seconds after I fell completely in love with you someone discovered a trapdoor that led down some rough-hewn stairs and you sprinted off to right some wrongs, like a true hero--and you looked hunky as h*ll doing so!   By the time I got down the passageway and navigated around the peasants being grappled by the magically animated floor, you were magically blinded and partially crushed by a sleeping pony.  Also there was a 7 foot tall woman-faced goat demon, but I only had eyes for you. So I guess it was lucky that some turnip farmer killed it with a pitchfork.

I can't sleep because I am so incredibly in love with you, which means I am incurring penalties to my health regeneration and ability scores.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY.

For local high-school Junior Todd Smathers, an uneventful Tuesday turned into an unexpected field trip before becoming the scene of a horrible tragedy involving the slaying of a police officer.

"I was in second period" said Smathers.  "That's drivers ed.  [The teacher] thinks I'm the worst driver in the class, so I was sitting in back and trying not to get called on."  That's when three undercover officers kicked in the door.

"It was crazy! These three old dudes were dressed like what they thought high-schoolers looked like.  One was wearing a fedora and a football jersey.  One guy reeked of weed and looked like a juggalo, and the other one" Todd pauses "Ace was dressed up like a goth from the early nineties."

Apparently the officers weren't there for a demonstration about the dangers of drunk or reckless driving, they were there to investigate a crime.  "The juggalo asked who the 'shittiest kid in class' was, and the teacher said I was the worst driver. Then Ace told the teacher that it was a mighty coincidence that I was the worst driver because he was my dad."  Smathers continued. "Even though he wasn't really my dad."

Under the appearance of giving Todd driving lessons, they had him drive to a crime scene, where someone allegedly cut through a traffic signal, causing it to crash onto a car.  When they arrived, the standoff turned into a shootout.

"When the red-headed football cop got out of the car this old lady in a trucking company sweatshirt started yelling about how nobody would take her alive and pulled out a revolver!  The cop also drew a gun and there were bullets everywhere!  The officer, whose name has not been released, died during the firefight, and the assailant, one Gladys Hutchinson, 73, of South Heights is currently in critical condition.

The ride-along didn't stop there, however.  "We got a call on the dispatch that the other officers on this case had identified a warehouse related to the crime.  The officers let me use the lights to speed across town to the police station to pick up equipment.  Ace even got a shotgun and a horse for the raid!"

The police officers didn't stop at teaching Todd how to drive their squad car.  "The officers explained that they had to hide in the back of a semi truck to sneak into the depot, and that the only other person who was available to drive was far too messed up on pills to operate a bicycle, let alone an 18 wheeler.  So they gave me some instructions and the drugged-out cop sat up front and brandished his service pistol to keep cars from getting to close to us.  I really learned a lot!"

Educational opportunities aside, the raid claimed another of Metro City's finest.  "When I backed up the semi to the loading dock they opened the door and [Officer] Ace [Ventura] led the charge on his horse while the other cops laid down suppressing fire.  It was totally rad like something out of a video game!  But most of the bad guys were on these catwalks, so Ace had to ride up the stairs on his police stallion."

When on a recent walkabout searching for a homeopathic remedy for a local girl, Baikul peasants showed off their regional style after settling into a tranquil jungle landscape to make artisan dishes such as "rice and dried root vegetables cooked in a helmet" and "one quarter of this goat."

Enchanted.  Lightly used.  Will sell for 1000gp or trade for helmet (visored helmet only) and a quantity of grease.  Have armor, sack, other items for sale as well.  All lightly used, some bloodstains.

[woodcut: Druid harassing innocent townfolk]

"Druids definitely did all of that stuff" claimed Scooter Treelovin early on Saturday morn, in reference to the mysterious black smoke that filled the Augustinkirke in Tournai.  Treelovin, a third level cleric and traveler from the Interdicted Lands, claimed in an interview as he exited the church that "he heard shouts from Father Bacon for help and he went inside the church and there were like, these druids that threw the priest and some altar boys in that weird hole you keep in the back.  Then they set a bunch of shit on fire."

Treelovin, a complete stranger to these parts, did not indicate how he knew Father Bacon, nor did he provide explanations for his slime-caked clothing, the jingling sounds emanating from his pack, nor the three matchlock muskets tucked under one arm.  

When informed of the fact that druids had been wiped out of the area nearly a thousand years ago by Thothe the Sacred, Papal Malleum to Pope Trismestes VI, Treelovin replied "yeah, the druids definitely looked old.  Like really old.  [Presumed companions] Stank Williams Jr, Carlo Rossi and Rowdy Roddy Pooper can totally back me up on the whole druid thing.  You, uh, haven't seen them around, have you?  They probably came out of the church about two hours ago covered in blood.  I could use some help carrying all of this shit.  That definitely didn't come from in there."

Though witnesses to any violent or unexplained phenomena are usually held for questioning, Acting Watchman Hern stated that he believed Treelovin's account of the events. "T'weren't like he did it or nothin'" Hern said.  "'E had this way about 'im made you wont to trust him, like you figger you could leave yer gruit, yer wife and yer harvestgeld around him for a fortnight and they'd all be right where ye left 'em.  I been searching around the old circle in the commons for clues.  I'm sure we'll figger this out.  We're a quiet town with nothin' t'hide."

A geographically (within the US) distrbuted G+ hangout game via roll20 using James Raggi's Lamentations of the Flame Princess rules.

Setting is basically weird/grim early 16th century Europe (because I am lazy).