Mon⋆｡˚⋆ฺ ∘˙

3 day sunflower trio( daisies )

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.”

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He has finally reached the point where he is allowed to stop. He wants to go home and sleep.

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

Barry Allen aka Flash- The man "rescues" him from a villain attack and Bruce just lays one on him. He plays it off as being so overwhelmed and grateful.

Dinah Lance aka Black Canary- Oliver pissed her off at a gala so she made out with his best friend in front of him. Everyone was into it but the paparazzi wouldn't shut up about it for weeks.

Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern- At a JL fundraising thing Bruce asked for a thank-you kiss for helping fund the place, and Hal took it personally. Gothamites still haven't forgiven him for the Hickey Incident.

J'onn J'onzz aka Martian Manhunter- Same JL fundraising thing two hours later, J'onn asked forgiveness for his teammate's rudeness and Bruce said he could make up for it. Very gentle, very sweet.

(Hal saw this and dragged the stupid, preening, arrogant, sexy billionaire into the nearest closet. Hence the Hickey Incident.)

Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman- The two were at a gala and Bruce said that if he could kiss her hand just once he would be die a happy man. Diana was so charmed by this weirdo that she then proceeded to kiss him for a solid five minutes, in front of everyone, including reporters. She is no longer Jason's favorite (lies).

Clark Kent aka Superman- At yet another gala, Lois made a comment as to how she'd kissed the both of them before, and Bruce decided to close the loop.

There’s realistically no way this won’t end with an eventual identity reveal. And he knew that when he started. But he’s going to have a bit more fun before he does.

(Also, I don’t buy that Bruce would let himself get drunk enough to lose control and make a bet like that by accident. Ever. Which means the whole thing was planned as an identity reveal from the start. Because he was ready to trust them, but he also wanted to make the point. And also because he wanted to snog them.)

Six months after making the bet, about three weeks after he’s kissed the last of them and collected the whole set, at the end of the JL weekly meeting, he closes out by saying, “I won the bet.” And walks out.

What bet, they think for a moment, before remembering. Ohhhhhh.

The Flash dashes after him and catches him before he gets more than a few paces down the corridor. “What do you mean you won the bet? You can’t have kissed us all. Hey,” he addresses the rest of the JL catching up to them. “Any of you kiss the Bat?”

There’s a general scoffing and shaking of heads.

Batman huffs. “That proves I win. None of you knew it was me.”

“No, no, that’s not how it works!” cries Green Arrow. “That’s like saying you have shark repellent and you know it works because there aren’t any sharks here right now!”

“My shark repellent does work,” Batman objects. “I’ve tested it thoroughly.”

“He actually has shark repellent?” whispers Green Lantern.

“Not the point!” Green Arrow wails. “I definitely haven’t kissed you. I’d know.”

“I promise you, you did,” says Batman, a slight smirk on his face.

“Prove it,” says Superman, folding his arms. “Take off your mask.”

Batman nods. “I’ll prove it,” he agrees. ”Wonder Woman, your lasso.”

Over the sound of general objection and disappointment and dismay, Batman takes hold of the lasso and says, “In the last six months, I have kissed…”

The hallway quietens, and everyone watches the lasso avidly. “Green Arrow, The Flash, Black Canary, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, and Superman. With tongue,” Batman adds.

He’s telling the truth.

“Well shit,” says Green Lantern.

------------------

“It’s simple,” says Green Lantern, later. “Our love lives can’t overlap that much. We just need to figure out who we’ve all kissed. There’s not likely to be more than one man we’ve all shared.”

“Unless he used multiple identities,” suggested Black Canary.

The Flash groans.

“That wasn’t the terms of the bet,” Green Arrow insists. “It was supposed to be his real identity. If that’s what he did then he cheated.”

“Let us each make a list,” says Martian Manhunter quellingly. “Mine is quite short.”

Green Lantern is counting on his fingers, muttering under his breath. “…Julie… that girl at the thing… Bruce Wayne of course…”

“Of course,” agrees Martian Manhunter, nodding.

“Yeah, who hasn’t kissed Bruce Wayne?” adds Green Arrow, smirking.

There’s a moment of silence. “Wait,” says Black Canary. “Who hasn’t kissed Bruce Wayne?”

They look round at each other.

“Oh no no no no no way,” whispers The Flash.

Green Arrow throws his head back and laughs. “Yeah, right. You had me going there for a moment. Imagine, Bruce Wayne as Batman!” He dissolves in laughter again, and Black Canary and The Flash break out in giggles too.

Superman and Wonder Woman stay quiet. Superman loves his wife and has kissed only one person other than her since they started dating, and that recently and at her urging. Wonder Woman isn’t usually into men and has definitely only kissed one man in the last six months. They meet each other’s eyes for a moment, and then glance at Martian Manhunter, the only other person not laughing. He smiles at them and puts a finger to his lips.

—————

Look who finally decided to stop dilly dallying and start animating with a proper software. xx