captain of team fuck up

in an attempt to appeal to the pathos of my potential employers, i wrote my resume using the same format a no-kill shelter would use to describe a geriatric dog

i am a gentle, mild-mannered young man looking for a forever job to spend the rest of my years in. though i may not be the most talented and versatile person on the job market, i’m the perfect employee for someone out there, and that someone just might be you(r company)!

You know I’m not sure cats actually understand cats either

hating children isn’t edgy or progressive lmfao you look ugly as fuck and pitiful hating on little people who barely understand what hate means and i don’t want y'all near any children ever

weird how tumblr is cracking down on copyright violations when their whole website is an updog violation

the fuck? what’s updog?

you know, after some consideration of whats happening in my life rn and how this all played out, i feel like i’ve been lied to. tricked and decieved.i just need a few moments to process this.

Hey guys this is really important. Missing and murdered Indigenous Women and Girls is an actual problem, and it’s a huge problem here in Canada

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

i consider this a sort of prose poem to be honest