I'm Only Human

In which Alice and Jasper send Peter and Charlotte to go witness for Renesmee.

Jasper: Hey we need a favor

Jasper: Can you guys run eight hundred miles to our house in Forks?

Jasper: Edward just got married to a human but accidentally got her pregnant and now I have this weird hybrid niece-in-law who was born with a full set of teeth and Irina is mad at us because some werewolves killed her true love so she ran to the Volturi and told them we have an immortal child so now they’re coming to kill us all so we need you to come witness for us that she’s not a monster who needs to be killed. I mean I won’t be there myself since we’ll be vacationing in South America but we need all the help we can get because you gotta admit it looks bad. I mean it’s not like you have to stay and die with the family, just witness, although I would remind you that I’ve saved your butt ten times whereas you’ve only saved mine eight times so please.

Charlotte: … No?

Peter: Good grief the animal blood is driving him crazy faster than I thought.

Jasper: Look I’ll probably be dead in a couple weeks so I’ll bequeath my new Ducati to you if you do this.

Gif from Tenor

This thread on Reddit just made me think about the Cullen's in terms of "Who's the best fighter?" (the answer is obviously Jasper, but what about the runner ups?)

I gave it some thought and came up with the ranking below, which—shocker—only has Edward at rank 5. Like yes, his gift is very powerful, but I doubt it would work against vampires who go off their instincts and don't plan every move ahead. Or newborns, who don't think and just charge. And even if he does hear someone's plan of attack, I think that he's missing the routine and tactical prowess to fend off more complicated attacks in the spur of the moment. He just strikes me as someone who relies on their gift a tad too much and doesn't spend much time actually training, since—like Carlisle—he has an attitude of "let's stop whatever confrontation is coming before it can even turn into a fight".

I know this might be controversial, so I am very excited to hear other people's thoughts! What do you think? How good of a fighter is Edward actually? And how well does his gift still serve him, once he's in the middle of a fight, where he has to make split-second decisions?

The ranking I came up with for those interested:

1. Jasper. Vastly more experienced than the others (mostly against baby vampires, but still way more experience fighting mature vampires than anyone else). Zero hesitation. Excellent speed, wingspan, agility. His gift isn't much help in a crowded fight but a killer asset for one-one-one fights. Keeps a cool head, stays aware of his surroundings, and is great at rapid-fire analysis of his opponent's style and weaknesses. Expert at disabling several opponents in record time.

Achilles heel: Alice. If she's on the field he's still an excellent fighter but definitely distracted and doesn't guard his own back as well.

2. Rosalie. She's been Jasper's best student over the years and is tall/strong enough to be a great offensive fighter. Unlike many vampires, she becomes an even better fighter when she gets worked up into a rage. Great agility, ferocious with her teeth and nails. Queen of the vampire tornado kick.

Achilles heel: too laser-focused on one opponent at a time. She forgets to guard her back or consider the broader fight in a group setting.

3. Edward. His gift is his greatest asset, especially against mature vampires who think about their next move. Great wingspan and agility. Raw strength is less impressive but fair. Fantastic at defense but still good at offense. Uses details from his opponent's thoughts to taunt them into a reckless rage.

Achilles heel: not so good against thoughtless newborns since his gift and speed are largely neutralized.

4. Carlisle. He's a bit squeamish at the killing part and hesitates at the beginning of a fight, but once he gets going he's surprisingly effective. Great upper body strength and strategic planning. His medical knowledge allows him to inflict the most strategic damage possible with minimal danger to himself. He's rarely the one to dismember/finish an opponent unless he's fighting in tandem with someone.

Achilles heel: every time he looks an opponent in the eyes, he hesitates again.

5. Emmett. Excellent wingspan, height, massive strength. A pro at dismemberment. But man is he reckless. Like Rosalie, he's not great at keeping an eye on the big picture and he doesn't think ahead. Most likely to charge ahead and get himself into trouble.

Achilles heel: that last line pretty much says it all.

6. Alice. A natural at defense; she can (usually) escape her opponent's clutches all day. No physical assets to speak of. The only offensive skill she really has is darting in at a vulnerable moment to inflict damage, followed by a rapid retreat. Once an opponent gets his/her hands on Alice, it's over. Her best offense is to lure an opponent closer to a stronger ally and then help behead the enemy from behind.

Achilles heel: passive visions. If a vision breaks into her mind unannounced at the wrong moment, she's almost completely vulnerable for those 1–2 seconds. This is the main reason Jasper gets all Overprotective Fool™ during a fight.

7. Bella. She gets points for her shield protecting everyone from psychic gifts during a fight, and but that's about it. Once her newborn edge wears away, she's too shy to bring out the aggression necessary to fight well. She simply isn't vampire enough for it.

Achilles heel: rage. When she does gets worked up, she gets sloppy. One might even say... klutzy?

8. Esme. Get this liability off the battlefield. Her Mama Bear Rage can theoretically serve her well, but she simply hasn't put in the practice to fight wisely. At her best when fighting in tandem with Carlisle.

Achilles heel: distraction. If she sees anyone she loves fighting for their life, she'll lose focus on her own opponent.

It’s almost that time of year – the days will get shorter, a chill will set in, you’ll break out your flannel and pretend to be Bella Swan.

Set the scene with these Twilight ASMR videos.

bella.

Bella Swan’s Room | Bella’s Room Alt 1 | Bella Swan’s Bedroom Alt 2 | Bella’s Room Alt 3

Bella Swan’s Kitchen

Christmas at Charlie’s

Bella Leaves for Prom

edward.

The Cullens’ House in Forks

Edward Cullen’s Room | Edward’s Room Alt 1 | Edward’s Room Alt 2 | Edward’s Room Alt 3

jacob.

Jacob Black’s Cabin

Jacob’s Backyard

Camping with Jacob

Bonfire with Jacob

Campfire with Jacob

Jacob Repairing Motorcycles

much more under the cut.

Well, the reason you want to sing in the shower is that bathrooms tend to have good acoustics, so your voice sounds better. Vampires having freaky bell-like voices, I don't know that the acoustics would make much of a difference.

tbh I can see that happening not just with emmett but with most newborn vampires. remember how edward has some line where he says “I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and accidentally crush your skull” ? 

I’m guessing the recently-vamped have a big adjustment period. in other words:

when edward was first changed, he and carlisle had to move because their neighbors kept reporting sounds like “crunching wood, snapping metal, and, on one occasion, mangled piano noises and sobbing” and thought carlisle’s house was haunted

esme’s first year involved a lot of snapped railings and other household objects—one time she was angry-cleaning and scrubbed right through the floor. and the first time she visited carlisle at work, you better believe he ended up with a carlisle-shaped indentation in his office wall

rosalie was so determined to Be Perfect that she had a much shorter adjustment period than the others. she was also full of rage. when she broke things, she broke them very much on purpose

emmett, on the other hand, wasn’t so much a bull in a china shop as 30-50 feral bulls in a china shop. after the third floor repair in under a week, esme pitched him a tent in the backyard

alice did okay as a newborn, because her visions warned her whenever she was about to break something. she also got really into human Arts and Crafts right away, which helped her cultivate a delicate touch. cut to her absolute shock thirty years later when she accidentally ripped a lamppost clean out of the ground because jasper smiled at her