A Madwoman’s Fevered Writings

Last updated: 24th of December

This is now a masterpost of masterposts, explanation under the readmore. Thank you for your patience.

For the sake of the funny I shall interpret your ask in a way you certainly did not intend: every time Carlisle drinks blood of an animal, he becomes half of the vampire that he was, that is to say, his size is 50% reduced. We shall consider a new animal to be a new feeding.

As Carlisle famously lost control with a herd of deer the first time he fed on animals, he has been greatly diminished in size already, assuming the herd consisted of 3 or more deer his size of originall 188 cm has been diminished by 50% three times - he stood 94 cm tall after the first deer, then 47 cm, then 23 cm (or, 9 inches). It is reasonable he stops at this point, as the size of his prey so greatly outpaces his own and he has no more room to drink further.

Being now 9 inches tall, Carlisle has an unforeseen problem as he stands there in the English woods. We may assume he continues shrinking, devouring ever smaller animals) until he has to feed on (what would be to him) giant mosquitoes.

Assuming these mosquitoes have drunk human blood and human blood can mitigate the shrinking issue, he may experience either becoming a full vampire again, instantly soaring to 188 cm tall (in which case the merry dance starts over) from a single mosquito's blood, or he shall have a 50% size increase each time he eats a mosquito.

His life becomes one of carefully balancing his animal blood-to-mosquito ratio so as to be able to live a somewhat normal life.

Not only that, but I started writing and making art myself and your metas helped me write/develop characters that people seem to love (or love to hate) and that I can be proud of (or not, I write, as I gnaw on my keyboard).

From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 🌹

P.s. Seriously what the f*** is wrong with the Twilight cast, what the f***, some real Looney Tunes characters they are, I don’t think there’s literally one sane person to speak of here.

Oh my goodness thank you for this sweet ask! And I am beyond, beyond thrilled we've helped inspire your writing.

Thank you for telling us and for the lovely words!

I've been saying for years that the Order is essentially a fucking cult. So are the death eaters; but at least Voldemort is self-aware(ish).

My friends always looked at me like I'm a crazy person.

I feel so validated when Tom was monologuing to Lily about the Order.

Granted, the guy had his own agendas. But still.

Thanks for writing what you do, amazing authors.

(Anon is referring to The Man Who Would Be King by @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin and myself.)

Oh that is so nice to hear. The Order is such a strange beast in canon, they fight... for what, exactly, and how? What are these people doing? Why is it a secret order that demands total devotion to one civilian man? Why is there now command structure, no defined roles, no general assemblies, why does no one keep minutes during meetings, why are they recruiting straight out of Hogwarts?

It's an order that makes perfect sense to teens who want to fight The Man, who look at what Voldemort is doing and want to Do Something™, but actually joining the Ministry and spending three years becoming an Auror, or otherwise forming an organised resistance would be a lot of work and it's easier to just join the Order and now you sure are doing something.

What precisely is that, what accomplishments can your group point to, why are they centered around Dumbledore and why must they be willing to die, or bust? Why can't they work with the Ministry? Who gives them the right to act as vigilantes when the Ministry was not run by Voldemort until the very last year of the Order's existence?

I would be a lot more forgiving if there were only Aurors in the Order, or if we saw proof of the Ministry intentionally undercutting efforts to stand against Voldemort, indications that it really is corrupt, or if they were not recruiting very young people and never questioning their leadership, even when Dumbledore fails to protect the McKinnons, the Prewetts, or the Bones family? Why, for that matter, do the Potters not leave the country when Voldemort is hunting their son? And chiefly: why, when Dumbledore learns how to kill Voldemort, does he not tell the secret society of wizards and witches who have (presumably) sworn to help him defeat the man once and for all? Why are they instead made sitting ducks with his final order a mere, "Trust Harry"?

There's a suicide ideation in the Order, a need ingrained in them to prove they do not fear death to the point of not doing much to prevent it. They do not have a culture of questioning Dumbledore, nor discussing why they fight or are in the Order, and you get the sense such sentiment is heavily discouraged.

(Anon is referring to mine and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin's cowritten fic The Man Who Would Be King)

Thank you so so much! I'm glad you are enjoying it (and don't get scared away from trying the My Immortal spinoff once you reach the end).

I’m not a huge fan of smeyers’ books, nor of the films, but I’m a huge fan of fan-made content for “Twilight”!!!!!! Your and Carnivorous Muffin’s fics are fabulous; they’re the reason why I’m now an Aro/Carlisle shipper!

Your stories are beautifully plotted, so I wonder how you and Carnivorous Muffin come up with ideas that are so unique and canon-divergent?!

Thanks for considering my Ask!

Thank you! Look, @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin, a thoughtful ask and praise!

And the fics all came about as a result of discussion with Muffin. The way it works when we get a little obsessed with something is that we start talking about it, and then we keep talking about it, and then ideas take form. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if..." or just one of us having a sudden epiphany and sending the premise to the other. On occasion, anons on tumblr gave us the idea.

Yes, the Twilight fics were how Muffin and I started writing together, starting with Carlisle and Bella's Bogus Journey and then getting serious and developing the flow we have now during For the Love of a Woman.

Afraid not, I've noticed my dashboard crowding with it, the Norwegian papers writing about it to describe the penomenon, and by god there has been no avoiding the sexy gifs, but I strongly suspect it's not for me.

I don't really feel anything about it. They cheated and got called out.

What's much funnier is Finland ending fourth at the men's cross country skiing sprint, behind Norway and the US, and accusing us both of cheating so we'll get disqualified so Finland can get the gold. That's the type of cheating drama I am here for.

(The cheating we are accused of, specifically, being that Norway had asked FIS about ski preparation guidelines, received an answer that a ski preparation thing was indeed allowed, and then FIS failed to inform the other countries about this. While the Americans were photographed with a bottle of an unidentified liquid in their ski preparatory zone. I'm guessing somebody brought their water bottle, but what do I know.

Oh thank you!

Oh, dear god no.

I'm afraid I can say right away, and definitely, that there will never be a What We Do in the Shadows fic coming from either @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin or myself. I've seen the movie and the show, and while both are dear to my heart it doesn't trigger that obsession in me that would cause endless headcanons and fics about the characters.

Because I feel like I'm going crazy here, obvs the US has a billion things on fire rn but it seems NATO gets barely mentioned / is not a concern.

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

No, can't say it's been a concern. Sure, we spent the past few decades since uh world war two ended being intentionally dependent on the US for security, because that's what the US wanted, and we have that big scary Russian border up North and the constant little acts of provocation, sabotage, and espionage against us and other nearby countries, and if the US moves on Greenland we'll have to choose between our biggest (but apparently very flaky) protector and one of our closest allies in this world, and also have to worry about what territory gets taken next and by who (Svalbard???), but noooo no one's concerned why would we beeeee

In other news when we support Ukraine we're just doing that for fun, no self interest there whaaaatsoever, and uh there is not one post on this blog of mine that has aged more poorly than this one. For all rereading it now is sobering, as it appears november 2024 me was more terrified than I'd remembered. So I guess it didn't age poorly, it just aged bitterly.