Albee Speaks

...I never thought that being the one to end a relationship would be just as hard on me as being on the other end. I don’t remember the last time I felt pain like this. My heart hurts, my stomach feels hollow, I feel like I’m being crushed to death by the weight of my loneliness and misery. I know I did that right thing for me and the other person in the long run. I know that. But I feel like absolute shit and honestly I wish I didn’t feel anything.

I wish I couldn’t feel anything, ever. And the fact that I feel so horrible makes me feel even shittier because I’m not the one who had the rug pulled out from under them. I’m the one who pulled, so I shouldn’t have a right to feel this horrible and lonely. It’s my fault I’m lonely and miserable. I didn’t have to be but I chose this. I know I did it to be true to my own feelings and to save the other person and myself future heart ache but I feel awful and am full of regret. If I could go back in time and just erase everything from the last 3 months I would.

Anything is better than this. I just hate myself. I hate myself so much. Everytime my eye catches something in my room that I received from that person or associated with them, it’s like being stabbed with a hot knife right in the gut. I don’t know how I will get past this feeling but I know I have to and that offers approximately zero comfort. I just hate the world and I hate myself and the fact that I’ll probably never find anyone as good as they were or never find anyone who cares for me that strongly. If only I could have felt the same thing, then i wouldn’t be in this mess. And now I’ve ruined my life. Yet again.

I don’t know what I want or what I need. I just want someone to tell me or to help me understand why I’m like this and why my life has to be this way. I feel so lost and so hurt and I just don’t know what to do.