This is such a good question and it’s really important for any woman questioning their orientation/attraction. I’m going to explain the difference using three specific examples of times when attraction gets confusing, but there are a ton of different ways compulsory heterosexuality manifests, so if none of these hit on what you’re feeling, feel free to shoot me another anon. 

Attraction vs. Compulsory Heterosexuality

Nervousness and BlushingA ton of romance media and common cultural tropes have this idea that you know you’re attracted to someone if you’re nervous or blushing around them. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to a man if you feel nervous around him, just because you’re experiencing the physical bodily response you’ve been told to expect, not because you actually want to date him. Actual Attraction: You’re nervous because you’re excited to get to know someone. You find them attractive first and because you’re thinking about your attraction to them, you get self conscious because you hope they might like you too. Compulsory Heterosexuality: You’re nervous because you are aware that he is attracted to you, and because he’s paying such close attention to you– especially if he’s pushing boundaries or getting too close into your personal space– you become self conscious because you know he’s watching you. You blush because you’re uncomfortable. 

Hypothetical AttractionMany questioning women have a hard time sorting through their attraction because of hypotheticals. Our culture, in general, disregards or challenges wlw’s attraction and it gives this anxiety that we need to know 100% that we are not and will never be attracted to men no matter what in order to claim labels. It’s hard to do that as a young person who is just learning about themselves, flooded with “what if”s about the future. Because of this, you might feel like you can’t rule out being attracted to men because you might hypothetically be attracted to one someday. Who knows?Actual Attraction: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it feels exciting and makes you feel good and hopeful and happy and right. It’s a nice feeling and is comfortable to think about. Reassuring. Compulsory Heterosexuality: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, sad, disappointed, wrong. It’s an upsetting thing to think about and you hope it doesn’t happen. You don’t want to end up with a man even if you feel like you could. 

Sexual FantasiesOur culture places a big emphasis on sex when it comes to orientation. Some people’s orientation includes sexual attraction and some people’s orientation doesn’t, but most of us feel like our sexual fantasies are the most important indicator of non-straight sexuality because LGBPQ+ people have been so thoroughly reduced to sexual acts and sexual objects in the homophobic culture we’ve grown up in. Along with that, we’ve also grown up in a heteronormative and cisnormative society that repetitively teaches and reemphasizes the same singular sexual “script” for how sex is supposed to go, over and over and over. They do not teach any others, and it requires non-straight and non-cis people to invent their own sexual scripts individually and with partners. But as a young person, when you’re aroused, your mind has a very limited template of potential narratives associated with that feeling, so many people default to the same heteronormative script in their fantasies because it’s unconscious and easy. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to men because you imagine abstract situations of sex with men, even though you have absolutely no desire to sleep with men in real life. Actual Attraction: When you fantasize about men, it is because you’re attracted to their bodies or specific men or the idea of having sex with men. You imagine qualities of their body and you like the idea of what you’re imagining. If you think about the fantasy later that day, you might feel like it’s embarrassing, but you also feel like it’s sexy. Compulsory Heterosexuality: When you fantasize about men, it is mostly just enacting a kind of narrative. More focused on movement than features– the men in your fantasies might be faceless or blank-featured or their bodies might symbolize some emotion. You don’t really like the idea of what you’re imagining. You might not even be in the fantasy, but instead another faceless woman might be. You might even imagine yourself as the man. The narrative follows the sexual script, but the details are more vague and abstract and might even shift and change throughout the fantasy. If you think about it later that day, you might feel vaguely nauseated or uncomfortable or feel invalidated and wrong. 

-Kim Namjoon 2019

for the last 2+ weeks, the Amazon has been catching fire. Yes, it’s the season where that’s normal but because of the sayings (aka incentive) of our new president, some farmers are taking advantage of that and intentionally setting the trees on fire. Yesterday, because of this, the sky of São Paulo looked like this. AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON.

Hospitals of the northern states are filling up with people (especially children and seniors) claiming they can’t breathe properly. ALREADY ENDANGERED ANIMALS ARE DYING. THIS IS SERIOUS.

Germany and Norway, huge donators to the Amazon cause will stop sending money because they don’t see results (that can also be credited to our president, who has been tweeting angrily ever since - not because he cares about the environment, btw). That money gives this guy and his team equipment to save little guys like these:

THIS AFFECTS EVERYONE, NOT JUST BRAZILIANS. The Amazon is the largest rainforest in the world, and it’s being destroyed. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

If your country is holding elections, vote for someone who cares about this. Don’t let another Bolsonaro or another Trump have the power to do something and then do nothing. This is going to shape our future — if we have one.

PLEASE REBLOG, EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS!!

i’m going to take a moment to deviate from my usual posts, so bear with me: the actress starring in the 2020 Mulan remake, Liu Yifei, has just voiced her support for the Hong Kong police. these are the police who have been brutalizing protestors for several months now with batons, tear gas, and rubber bullets, and recently blinded a young medic in one eye. Liu has a social media platform of 65 million followers, and has been in the national spotlight since her casting - her words have influence and impact. her conscious decision to stand by the HK police sends a clear message: that violence against civilians is acceptable as a means of control, intimidation, and suppression.

this breaks my heart. as a person of Chinese descent, Mulan’s character was a source of inspiration and empowerment throughout my childhood, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in my excitement to see the remake, but I’m even more saddened and disgusted by Liu Yifei’s support of the police. note that Liu is a naturalized American citizen, and reaps the benefits of freedom and democracy in the US while supporting those who are fighting to silence it in China.