I've never written a pinned post about me, but I feel like I'm ready now. This is long, just fyi.
For many years, I was on Tumblr hiding because it was the only place online I knew my mom would never find. And I was right, she still has no idea that Tumblr even exists. But because I was hiding, I felt like I couldn't post much about me. It was a safe space, yet a guarded one.
I started on Tumblr back in 2016 when I was doing a lot of drugs, but I mostly logged on while I was high on meth. If you've never done meth, you need to know it causes one to feel hyper sexual while high. As someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1, it increased that feeling 10x the amount since meth also caused my brain to go into a super manic episode. And when I have a manic episode I like to have sex. So, I honestly used Tumblr for that first year or two just to find porn and nudity so I could get off on my own and not have sex with strangers. Even though, that didn't always work.
After I got clean, my Tumblr became a place I built to find encouraging, positive posts that help me when I struggle the most. I've always tried to keep it a space designed for me to hold onto hope and keep going.
I am privileged to have lived to the age of 49. After surviving colon cancer in 2023, I stopped thinking of getting older as a bad thing. I have lost many family members to cancer. It feels like a blessing that I am still here.
I am happily engaged to my partner who I met in December of 2017 on Tumblr. I moved from Seattle to Ohio in May of 2018 so that we could be together. 8 years later, he is my best friend, and the love of my life.
We have a cat named Mellow that we adopted November of 2018. I feel like she magically takes the place of the children I wanted my whole life, since I had to have a hysterectomy 2 months after we found her.
My mom and sister live in Seattle. I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with them, after 10 years of no-contact I established for my own safety.
My mother was quite abusive to me for many years (from when I was a child into adulthood). She is nowhere near perfect now, but she's still my mom. I am trying to find a healthy medium in the amount of contact I have with her. Living in Ohio makes this much easier.
My sister is 2 years younger than me. She lives with our mom. My sister is developmentally disabled due to the umbilical cord wrapping around her neck and restricting her oxygen when she was born. It took her a long time to find her place in this world. She is a brilliant seamstress now, with her own business and she amazes me every time I talk to her. I am so proud of her.
I went to visit them in Seattle for a week in April. It was overwhelming, and I think a week was too long for a visit. But I learned a lot about them in person that I wasn't able to on phone calls and in texts.
My mom can still be mean and abusive. But now my sister gets the brunt of it and that hurts my heart. I spent the majority of my childhood raising my sister, while also shielding her from our mom's abuse & neglect. My sister still doesn't understand why I went no-contact with mom, because she doesn't remember our childhood the same way. I didn't want to go no-contact with my sister, but my mom kept using her as a means to get to me, and my sister did not understand what my mom was doing. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, because I feel like I hurt my sister while I was trying to protect myself.
I have been in therapy since I was 8 years old. Many different therapists, but the current one, I've been seeing for 5 years this August. She is okay, however a bit conservative for my taste. But considering where I live, she is the best I have found in this area. And my mental health has improved a lot while working with her.
I have been on disability since I was 23. Well, technically I applied for it at 23, but it took years because they denied me twice. Then I hired a lawyer, she fought for me, and the judge finally approved it.
I have more diagnoses than I feel is fair. Going through my medications at the doctor's office takes too long and it is getting difficult to remember them all. I have tried going off one or another medication at times, but always end up being reminded why I take them. This is always frustrating.
My life has been full of survival. Two of my previous therapists have told me I'm lucky to be alive. For a long time I didn't believe that, but I'm starting to.
It took me the 10 years of no-contact with my mom to begin to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I could actually breathe and make a decision without being harmed for existing, I was able to be the me that had been hiding inside myself my whole life. Becoming the true me, and feeling safe enough to to come out of the dark cage I had been in was an unknown freedom. At times, it still feels like I'm fighting that darkness.
I am always learning. I have given up in defeat, attempted suicide multiple times, and started again after I angrily realized i had survived.
I don't know what my purpose is, but I am here. I used to write all the time, but after the meth use I needed time for my brain to heal. I will be 9 years clean in June. That feels unreal at times. I miss drugs sometimes, but I don't miss who I was when I was high. I've done many things while high or in a manic episode that I can't reverse.
This life is not the one I had planned, but it is what happened. I will continue to make the best of it when I can.
🌈☀️
