You're very young so there's no reason you should know this, but 15-20 years ago "eating the same sandwich every day" wasn't anywhere on anyone's red flag list for neurodivergency. We knew autistic people liked eating the same thing, but wanting to eat one specific thing didn't necessarily link back to autism (let alone ADHD, which we knew even less about beyond "rambunctious boys can't sit still").
I'm not gonna tell you to cut your mom slack because you obviously have your reasons to be very angry with her, but I believe her that she had no reason to suspect your neurodivergent tendencies pointed to a neurodivergency. We literally didn't know.
I mean, twenty years ago I was twenty-six. My younger brother was diagnosed with autism when he was three and I was eight. My brother had to be made an entirely separate dinner every night because he only ate one thing for dinner, so like, The Signs Were There. Even if that wasn't yet a strong signal, my parents were highly educated about his disability -- they were diligent, put him in special education classes, had a yearly IEP, kept up with the literature, so they were a little more aware of what might signal an issue than your average 80s parent.
Honestly, I wouldn't be so irritated by it if she didn't keep bringing it up and also mention that she found it a red enough flag to talk to a teacher about it. I have a feeling I know what teacher she talked to, which is part of the problem.
Like...I do try to cut my parents all the slack I can, which is why I gripe here and not to them. My mother doesn't know about the diagnosis because all it would do is hurt her. And there was a family dynamic at play there -- as you may know, a lot of time parents were blamed for their child's autism in the 80s and 90s (the "fridge mommy" nonsense), and my parents could point to me and go "But he's in gifted classes. He's totally fine," and whether or not they believed that, it helped them deal with the fact that they already had one child doctors were saying was their "fault". Since I was capable of more than my brother in many ways, their emotional energy went to him, and while that's not fair I think it's pretty natural. So I try not to be bitter. But my parents were not blank slates when they started noticing things about me that should have set off more alarms than it did, so it's hard.
if I tried that shit with screaming "I want a special dish every day", all that'd gotten me on about the third, maybe fourth day, would have been a report from the kindergarten.
that simply wasn't an option in the late USSR. you had a kindergarten, the kindergarten had a dish rotation, and if a child refused to eat? others would gladly take care of your share. if you were lucky, the caretakers would take note that you didn't eat. if not? that'd be up to the resident physician to notice, and maybe report.
actually taking a screaming fit into account and having the option to follow suit? first world problem.
You're assuming a lot about my family dynamic and behavior. He didn't scream (about that at least). He simply didn't eat. The options were to fix him the food he would eat or forcible tube feeding, which my mother rightly was aware would be abusive and traumatic for a child with a host of other medical issues. Sorry your childhood meal structure sucked but maybe consider that the way you were treated as a toddler was also wrong and you deserved better than to have such a bitter memory in your past or attack other people with it.
Throwing "in communist Russia we had to walk uphill to school both ways" into anything, much less a conversation about 80s autism experiences, is such an abrupt turn. I'm hella impressed as always by copperbadge's poise
Gotta admit my first instinct was to exclaim, "In Soviet Russia, dinner chooses YOU!"
