existential girl scout

My dad is dying and idk how much time we have left with him. I feel like every day is a lottery draw and I know his number is coming up. It sucks to want to be in the future- to be in a place where we’re both not acting out in pain, but that future is gonna be so much darker for me. Idk. She’s the only person who has seen how damn much I’m struggling and it sucks to not have anyone else to relate to with my complicated feelings. At the same time, I hate putting that on her- like I just want her to live the normal happy life that she deserves. She put up with too much already.

Part of me wonders if I’ll have enough saved up at that point to just up and leave.

Part of me wonders if I’ll associate leaving here with leaving him.

No worries, it’s not ignorant. PTSD generally refers to a response to a single (or a few) traumatic event(s). Complex PTSD generally refers to a response to a repeated or prolonged traumatic event over a period of time, especially when it occurs in childhood. CPTSD is often characterized by a traumatic event with little or no chance of escape, such as being kidnapped and held prisoner, being in a concentration camp, or abusing a child who does not know how to say no/is manipulated by the person because they are in a position of power. CPTSD can lead to a complete shift in personality and often mimics or overlaps with Borderline Personality Disorder. CPTSD is not an official diagnosis but many practitioners and researchers recognize the differences (notably in personality/sense of self) between CPTSD and PTSD.

Here are some differences between CPTSD and PTSD from this website (may not apply to each individual person but in general):

PTSD:

One or few traumas

Flashbacks

Nightmares about the trauma

Avoidance of things that remind of trauma

Anxiety and depression

Hyper-vigilance

Exaggerated startle reflex

Some dissociation

CPTSD:

Chronic inescapable traumas

Flashbacks

Night terrors and chronic insomnia

Social isolation, avoidance of relationship

Severe alterations in affect regulation

Hyper-vigilance, preoccupation with abuser

Fragmented sense of self

No filter, easily overwhelmed

maker of sweaters with textures that resemble fungi that grow on trees and/or barnacles

maker of ultra specific passive aggressive greeting cards with the ultimate burns to get revenge on anyone who has crossed any of my friends ever in their whole life

maker of reasonably priced halloween pet costumes that transition into normal daywear 

professional graffiti artist that makes puns out of boring ads

flower stand owner but makes bouquets only out of wild, unwanted, under-appreciated greenery 

professional compliment-giver

professional reviewer of sauvignon blancs

I knew Maleficent was featured in a Disney music video, but I was too young to remember anything more concrete. Anyway, this part always terrified my 4 year old self so much that I would hide behind the couch.