Session Twelve: We Sent The Sorcerer First (part one)
Dutchman’s player wanted to be Dm for a few sessions.
Or at least that was what the DM claimed.
Apparently the party had gone on another adventure in the meantime.
Nobody was entirely sure what happened.
The details were... questionable.
Something about hunting a chosen one.
Something about accidentally killing five homeless people.
Something about a giant rat monarch.
It was hard to tell whether those events had actually occurred or whether everyone at the table had collectively suffered heatstroke.
Either way, the adventure was over. The past with the goats and elf fishmen will be explored later.
The party for now had moved on.
And now they found themselves deep in the wilderness once more.
Night settled over the forest.
Almost suspiciously peaceful.
The wagon stood proudly among the tents like some kind of rolling monument to laziness.
Kai Reed admired it every evening.
The ability to sleep without digging through bedrolls and tent stakes like a common peasant.
As far as Kai was concerned, everyone else choosing to sleep outside was a personal failure.
The camp slowly settled down.
Arcades continued sketching ideas for his increasingly complicated card game.
Dutchman glowed faintly in the darkness for reasons nobody understood.
Gnomesguard powered down beside Borris like someone had unplugged him.
Rashare curled up beneath his blanket.
Gwyane finished one final drink.
And eventually everyone drifted off to sleep.
The watch rotation began.
Because Gwyane was nursing one of the 2nd worst hangovers in recorded history.
The young sorcerer sat near the campfire rubbing his temples.
Every crackling log sounded like a dragon roaring.
Every insect sounded like a marching army.
Every movement made his head hurt.
"I have angered the gods."
Because everyone else was asleep.
Not even a wandering squirrel.
The forest remained completely quiet.
Which gave Gwyane an idea.
The kind of idea that only appears at three in the morning when someone is sleep-deprived and mildly intoxicated.
Then walked over to Rashare.
Gwyane pointed dramatically into the darkness.
"What kind of something?"
The ranger stared at him.
Because despite everything, he was still the group's ranger.
And if there really was something out there, he wanted to know.
The halfling's eyes shifted slightly.
His weretiger senses awakened.
Rashare slowly turned toward Gwyane.
The sorcerer immediately looked away.
The ranger narrowed his eyes.
"You absolutely made that up."
"You woke me up for no reason."
Rashare considered violence.
Instead he grabbed his ghillie suit.
If he was going to stay awake, he was at least going to do it properly.
Soon the ranger vanished into the undergrowth.
Because the little construct was endlessly entertaining.
Dutchman continued glowing.
The deep dwarf simply emitted strange magical light from time to time and everyone had collectively decided that understanding Dutchman was impossible.
Eventually Rashare's watch ended.
The paladin was still awake.
Not because he was keeping watch.
But because he was designing cards.
Arcades scribbled furiously.
As if summoned by fate itself, a dwarf suddenly sprinted through the darkness.
Straight between two trees.
Arcades rolled a natural one.
The paladin stared after the disappearing figure.
"The Running Dwarf is definitely going in the game."
Eventually Arcades took over watch.
He continued drawing cards.
Continued balancing mechanics.
Continued not actually watching anything.
Then something strange happened.
The glow around Dutchman vanished.
The sleeping bag was empty.
Arcades immediately panicked.
Because unlike Kai, Arcades actually liked people.
The fighter opened one eye.
"Hopefully he's in a better place."
Arcades rubbed his forehead.
"No. He's actually missing."
The fighter climbed out of the wagon.
Arcades followed his gaze.
"A weird void near the tree."
"You can see magical disturbances?"
"I just didn't roll a four."
A strange distortion shimmered near a nearby tree.
"I know how to solve this."
"I think I was supposed to discover something."
"Let's get someone who actually understands magic."
The autognome was peacefully powered down beside Borris.
Gnomesguard's eyes lit instantly.
The artificer sat upright.
Gnomesguard examined the distortion.
Because that tone meant a lecture was coming.
"It appears this may be a trans-dimensional gateway utilizing ancient planar convergence theory and archaic magical architecture that predates most modern portal systems."
Everyone immediately stopped listening.
For the next ten minutes Gnomesguard explained portals.
Then alternate magical theory.
Nobody knew how bread became involved.
Eventually the ritual completed.
"Dutchman was absolutely here."
"This portal is ancient."
"Possibly older than me."
Gnomesguard immediately looked away.
"You don't want to know."
Which somehow made the answer much worse.
"How does the portal work?"
Kai immediately answered.
Gnomesguard looked horrified.
"That is not how portals function."
Then another lecture began.
Kai simply smiled at Gwyane.
The smile of a man who had absolutely no intention of learning anything.
Eventually they discovered the problem.
The portal required a magical sigil.
Nobody wanted to go first.
Portals rarely improved people's lives.
The young sorcerer immediately became nervous.
Kai wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
"Magic truly is wonderful."
Gwyane narrowed his eyes.
"Then why are you smiling?"
Arcades suddenly noticed.
Kai slowly guided Gwyane closer.
The sorcerer dug his heels into the dirt.
"The magical possibilities."
Arcades scrambled to activate the sigil.
The portal remained inactive.
The sorcerer slammed face-first into it.
Gwyane slowly lifted his head.
Kai immediately pointed at Arcades.
"I thought you liked me."
"Then why would you throw me into a portal?"
The fighter thought for a moment.
Which somehow made perfect sense.
And that was exactly why nobody trusted Kai with magical phenomena.
The deeper the party ventured into the mysterious dungeon, the more convinced Kai became that Dutchman had somehow tricked them into participating in one of his bizarre side projects.
The portal had deposited them into what appeared to be an ancient underground complex, complete with stone walls, rusty chains, suspicious hallways, and enough obvious death traps to make Kai question whether intelligent creatures had ever existed at all.
And somehow it was only getting stranger.
The first person through had been Gnomesguard.
The autognome tied a rope around his chest like a man preparing for a naval expedition and stepped carefully into the portal.
Everyone held their breath.
Then Gnomesguard's voice echoed back out.
Then immediately became concerned again when he added:
Before anyone could stop him, the little artificer rushed back out of the portal, grabbed a bedroll, and sprinted back toward the opening.
Kai watched him disappear.
Then slowly looked at everyone else.
"Unless that's his dead form."
"We should probably think that possibility over."
Mostly because nobody actually knew what Gnomesguard's dead form would look like.
Inside the portal, Gnomesguard had already committed fully to his plan.
The staircase stretched downward at a steep angle, disappearing into darkness below.
Most adventurers would have proceeded cautiously.
Most adventurers were not Gnomesguard.
The autognome threw himself belly-first onto the bedroll.
And launched himself down the stairs.
The tiny construct shot downward like an out-of-control toboggan.
Kai immediately dove after him.
Not because he wanted to help.
But because if Gnomesguard crashed into a wall at high speed, Kai absolutely wanted front row seats.
His fish-like wings spread from his back.
He leapt from the staircase.
Glided gracefully through the darkness.
And kept pace with the rapidly descending artificer.
"If he's going to explode," Kai called out, "I want to witness it personally."
The rest of the party followed normally.
Miraculously, Gnomesguard survived.
The bedroll sled finally skidded to a stop at the bottom of the staircase.
Both immediately looked around.
The chamber beyond looked like a dungeon straight out of a cheap adventure novel.
Chains hung from the walls.
Iron bars lined the room.
Two prisoners sat shackled nearby.
"So this is the dungeon nonsense Dutchman keeps talking about."
"It still makes no sense."
One prisoner was a rabbit-like humanoid.
The other looked significantly less friendly.
Some horrifying combination of bat, fox, goblin, and nightmare.
The creature stared back.
Neither looked impressed.
Gnomesguard immediately pointed toward the rabbit.
"Because he's imprisoned."
Kai pointed dramatically.
"What if he's an evil bunny?"
Nobody had an immediate answer to that.
Arcades stepped forward anyway.
The paladin approached the prisoner and carefully removed the gag.
The haragon coughed weakly.
His voice sounded rough and exhausted.
Arcades immediately offered his endless coffee.
The rabbit took a cautious sip.
"This is the greatest thing I have ever consumed."
Meanwhile the bat-fox creature decided violence was the answer.
It lunged toward Arcades.
Its attack completely missed.
The creature slammed face-first into the floor.
"If Dutchman thinks we're completing this dungeon because we like him," Kai announced, "he is gravely mistaken."
"Thank you for saving me," the prisoner said.
Then looked at his chains.
"Are you going to free me?"
"First tell me who you are."
Arcades immediately looked confused.
"Did he just tell us to go to hell?"
Kai pinched the bridge of his nose.
"That's still a weird name."
The fighter scratched his chin.
The rabbit looked nervous.
"Were you ever a Dragon Blade Warrior?"
The rabbit stared blankly.
Kai immediately waved the question away.
Nobody understood what he was talking about.
Including Kai. But the player did.
The creature in chains lunged again.
This time Gnomesguard had enough.
The artificer raised his frost cannon.
The freezing blast struck with horrifying accuracy.
The creature immediately stopped screaming.
Mostly because several important body parts were no longer attached.
Then somehow delivered the best joke of the night.
"You really blue-balled him."
The entire table exploded.
Kai buried his face in his hands.
He pointed toward the rabbit.
"Now we're stuck with him."
Goto was finally released.
The haragon immediately retrieved his equipment.
And a surprisingly elegant top hat.
"You dressed for prison?"
Goto then shared something important.
"I saw a blue dwarf run through here earlier."
"He seemed familiar with the place."
"Friend is a very loose term."
"But yes. That's probably him."
The party continued deeper.
Rashare immediately began discussing rabbit stew recipes.
Goto was deeply offended.
"Orcs eat haragons, you know."
Goto looked even less amused.
The next chamber contained an obvious trap.
Goto spotted it instantly.
The haragon stepped forward.
A glowing Mage Hand appeared beside him.
He triggered a hidden mechanism.
A massive axe swung from the ceiling.
It narrowly missed his head.
Goto hopped backward effortlessly.
Kai watched the trap finish swinging.
"That seems incredibly inefficient."
Meanwhile Gnomesguard had run back into the previous room.
A minute later he returned carrying the severed hand of the dead creature.
Kai immediately looked concerned.
The artificer dropped the hand onto the pressure plate.
The trap activated harmlessly.
Gnomesguard crossed safely.
"You could have thrown literally anything else."
"But now our enemy has been disarmed."
Crossing the trap became easy.
Gwyane surprised everyone by performing a graceful acrobatic flip.
The sorcerer landed perfectly.
Even Gwyane seemed surprised.
"You accidentally became useful."
Kai simply jumped and glided across using his wings.
Rashare skipped across effortlessly.
Then Arcades attempted the jump.
The pressure plate clicked.
Straight into his shoulder.
The paladin stumbled forward.
Trying very hard to look heroic.
The next hallway contained another trap.
A hidden pit filled with spikes.
Rashare fired an arrow with a rope attached.
The group crossed safely.
Another victory stolen from the dungeon.
Eventually they reached two large doors.
One brightly illuminated.
Goto removed his top hat.
And somehow pulled out a tiny rabbit.
Arcades stared in disbelief.
"Did he just create a rabbit?"
"Must be a haragon thing."
The tiny bunny hopped down the dark hallway.
Goto solemnly removed another rabbit.
The second bunny was sent down the bright hallway.
"Those were real rabbits, weren't they?"
"We don't talk about it."
After disabling both traps properly, the haragon pressed one ear against the first door.
His expression became serious.
The party exchanged glances.
Rashare approached the second door.
Then immediately frowned.
Neither option seemed particularly appealing.
Kai thought for a moment.
"Because whatever's growling might eat whatever's moaning."
Nobody could actually argue with that logic.
The group readied weapons.
Goto adjusted his top hat.
Kai rested a hand on his greatsword.
And together they slowly reached for the handle of the growling door.
Because things had gone far too smoothly for the last ten minutes.
And everyone knew that couldn't possibly last.
The debate ended the moment the door latch clicked.
Everyone had weapons drawn. Everyone had a plan. Everyone was prepared.
Which naturally meant everything immediately went wrong.
Goto adjusted his top hat, rested one hand on the door handle, and looked back at the party.
"No," Kai answered honestly.
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