Dilf Enthusiast

proud victim of the tumblr accent. it's fading out of public consciousness as the tik tok accent takes precedence; a linguistic evolution that makes the tumblr accent 85% funnier to unsuspecting civilians. it's like releasing a disease on a non-inoculated population. coughing baby versus hydrogen bomb.

I once called a colleague's Borzoi a beautiful Gentle Alien, assuming the term had long since become commonplace outside of Tumblr, and discovered when he burst into delighted laughter at the term that it Had Not. I had to explain to him that I'm not a comedy genius, just repeating a niche meme.

im developing cataracts in my right eye and ill be getting surgery for it on sunday so art might be paused for a bit next week ...

that's okay. you dont need to do that actually

ilya hanging out with The GuysTM and they get a little drunk and start talking about girls and sex and they make a game out of who has done the craziest thing in the bedroom and the guys say stuff like in high school i fucked my gf while her dad was home and yeah jessie wanted to tie me up the other day and ilya will say things like one time shane couldn’t sleep so i edged him the whole night and then made him cum so hard he passed out and slept for seven hours and shane bought this book with 100 different sex positions and we tried them all over three days and he made a spreadsheet and the guys just pat him on the back like sure roz, keep telling yourself that, there’s no way hollander wants anything but regular missionary for 8 minutes and no matter what ilya says they never believe him

“No Shane’s a freak, held a convo with about my wife and shit while Rozy was going to town on his meat. I should clarify this was on the phone and I didn’t realise until after what the moans were about.”

Took Ollie to the vet today. And I'm not gonna say who. But ONE of us had a panic attack immediately after the checkup and wouldn't get out of the sink

save me, rice mixed with some bullshit

Normal groceries like milk or bread or whatever running out is whatever. Just anotha day. But when stuff like salt or cooking oil or rice runs out it feels like You’re supposed to be here for me and you’re leaving. You’re just like everyone else

mozzarella and parmesan is kind of like the age gap yuri of cheese

I think Shane and Ilya are the type of couple that gives you whiplash. They’re touchy feely lovey dovey staring into each other’s eyes with their ring finger hooked because they’re married and so enamoured with each other’s one second and the next Shane is wrestling Ilya to ground while Ilya is trying to bite him and kicking him in the ribs for freedom. And you can’t separate them because they’ll be very upset.

having a body made of meat sucks ass

kill dorothy fuck the lion marry the tin man and i dont care about the other one

damn this bus stop is perfect. now if we could just find somebody to stand upwind of everybody and smoke a decrepit cigarette they found in a tomb

Big fan of the idea that centaurs Shane and Ilya are a devastating duo when it comes to chirping players they don’t like. Some homophobe from Toronto says their marriage isn’t real, so Shane gives a scathing review of faults the player didn’t even know he had, while Ilya is like this is why your wife left you and you can only see your kids every other weekend and some holidays. Bet last Christmas was lonely, huh? The rest of the centaurs are like ???? how tf do you even know that??? Troy Barrett sheds a single tear of joy knowing that he never has to play against them again. Next time they play Toronto that player won’t look them in the eye.

Why are platonic breakups not seen as equally bad as romantic ones? I cried myself to sleep for months when my best friend decided I wasn’t good company anymore and I still feel upset about it. No romantic relationships have ever screwed me up like that

i love the “hollanov has a crush on carter vaughn” take not necessarily in a “i think they would invite him to watch” way but more in a “ilya would accidentally let it slip while chirping at shane to fluster him that vaughn is at the top of their ‘would’ list and vaughn is a little thrown off and straight so he’s like “are you guys asking?” and ilya laughs and pats his shoulder and assures him “absolutely not, i do not share my shane, we just think you are good looking man, i like that you are pretty and fun and my shane likes that you are serious about hockey and have good grooming habits. is not serious, do not worry vaughny we will not be asking you to witness me and my beautiful husband ever” and vaughn low key is overjoyed about it, his teammates who are around and hear the exchange are sometimes like “that doesnt bother you? you dont find that a bit weird?” but vaugh genuinely is just like “rozanov just called me pretty and fun enough to hang out with and hollander thinks im good at hockey and clean enough for him, you could hand me a nobel peace prize and it wouldnt come close to this achievement” and eventually it gets out to the general public so vaughn is captioning his instagram posts shit like “#1 contender for being the hockey husbands third goes fishing” despite shanes mortification about this getting out and vaughns clear delight with it” way