why play if you can't win?

She’d already removed herself from his lap, and now she began taking steps backwards. Moments earlier she’d craved his closeness with a vengeance, but it didn’t feel right when it was one sided. As he spoke, she was glad to be distant from him. “We’re not arguing about them,” she whispered, her voice shaky. “I was trying to absolve you of guilt by blaming myself, and I did a great job obviously.” She suddenly understood why he didn’t want her sympathy before, despite her good intentions. She definitely didn’t care about his attempt to lighten the mood now. No matter what you meant, it always landed as pity.

The anxiety-inspired nausea she’d been feeling all day skyrocketed when the final bomb dropped. ‘I’m seeing someone.’ Her love for him, and the friendship they shared, had her smile in response first. The world became darkness and white noise, but she continued that horrible pageant smile that her mother and father were so fond of. Of everyone she knew, Asher should be with somebody. He deserved everything the world could offer and more, and definitely deserved a stress-free love. It didn’t matter that she felt like she was suffocating hearing about it. It didn’t matter that he wanted something separate of his family, and that know she couldn’t be that killed her. The smile didn’t falter.

“It’s a good thing for you,” she repeated back to him, much like she’d repeated her name at the start of their conversation. There was nothing her true heart or mind could offer that was fair, so autopilot became her mode of being. She felt bitter, and angry, and so abandoned that she honestly wasn’t even sure she wanted to stay at Monarch. Nothing and nobody that she’d wanted to return to was here anymore, only the bodies of those who played the parts once. So Mila became an actor too, playing the part of a good person - a person who wasn’t selfish. 

“You deserve a happy ending.” Why don’t I get one?  “I’m sure he’s amazing if you like him.” I felt amazing when you loved me. “I can’t wait to meet him.” I’ll compare myself the whole time and probably cry in the bathroom. “It’s a good thing for you.” This is the worst thing for me.

With that beaming smile still firmly plastered on her otherwise vacant expression, she patted his shoulder. “I’ll see you around. I need to do stuff. You know, shower, sleep, usual post-flight stuff.” Swallowing back the emotion threatening to burst through, she added: “I’m happy for you.” Not waiting for a response, the smiling blonde finally escaped the stuff her nightmares were made of, hightailing towards the sorority house.

Mila prided herself on being a good actress but right now, her skills were minimal. Her words had a bitter edge, like she knew she was supposed to mean what she was saying but couldn’t quite fake the genuine infliction that her words needed. At least she’s trying. That’s more than you can say, the voice in his head reminded him. The voice was right, as always, and Asher couldn’t bring himself to call her out on the lack of truth behind her words.

Of course, run away like you always do. It’s what you’ve done best. A year ago, Asher would have run after her. They would have ended up yelling at each other until one of them caved and initiated a fiery, passionate kiss. That version of them felt like it was a million miles away so he simply said nothing and watched as she turned on her heel and left.

“Because I was the only one here for her! You didn’t see her when shecame back from Hawaii, alright? Before she rebuilt her life yet again, she wasfucking broken hearted over that asshole. She was so worried that something hadhappened to him but I knew he was okay. I didn’t want her to see that he’d justdecided to traipse all over the world with you rather than love her like hesaid he would that I didn’t even let her know that she was worrying overnothing!” he exclaimed. He didn’t know how this had turned into the two of themarguing about Lola and Peter but honestly, it was easier to get angry over thatthan to really focus on him and Mila. “You were with him. You could have madehim answer one of her phone calls”, he said, his voice softer and quieter.

“God, I don’t know why we’re arguing aboutthem. I thought that so much had changed over the last year that at least oneof us would have matured enough to stop deflecting. I guess some things don’tchange, hey?”, he joked, a hint of a smile teasing his lips as he tried tolighten the mood. “I should be telling you that I’m sorry, that I regret nottelling you what was going on. I had my reasons but you were good to me, farbetter than I ever deserved, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that”.

He hadn’t meant to keep Cae a secret; hejust hadn’t had a chance to say anything, too busy telling Mila abouteverything that had happened in his life since the last time they had seen eachother. “I’m seeing someone”, he said simply, knowing there was no point dancingaround the subject. “And before you say anything, I wasn’t planning on gettinginto another relationship. I genuinely thought that I deserved to be alone,that I didn’t deserve to have anyone care about me. I fell into this thing withCae accidentally and by the time I realised I had feelings, it was too late tobacktrack. He… he didn’t know me before all of this and it was a relationshipcompletely separate of my family. It’s… it’s a good thing for me”, heexplained, bracing himself for Mila’s reaction.

She’d already removed herself from his lap, and now she began taking steps backwards. Moments earlier she’d craved his closeness with a vengeance, but it didn’t feel right when it was one sided. As he spoke, she was glad to be distant from him. “We’re not arguing about them,” she whispered, her voice shaky. “I was trying to absolve you of guilt by blaming myself, and I did a great job obviously.” She suddenly understood why he didn’t want her sympathy before, despite her good intentions. She definitely didn’t care about his attempt to lighten the mood now. No matter what you meant, it always landed as pity.

The anxiety-inspired nausea she’d been feeling all day skyrocketed when the final bomb dropped. ‘I’m seeing someone.’ Her love for him, and the friendship they shared, had her smile in response first. The world became darkness and white noise, but she continued that horrible pageant smile that her mother and father were so fond of. Of everyone she knew, Asher should be with somebody. He deserved everything the world could offer and more, and definitely deserved a stress-free love. It didn’t matter that she felt like she was suffocating hearing about it. It didn’t matter that he wanted something separate of his family, and that know she couldn’t be that killed her. The smile didn’t falter.

“It’s a good thing for you,” she repeated back to him, much like she’d repeated her name at the start of their conversation. There was nothing her true heart or mind could offer that was fair, so autopilot became her mode of being. She felt bitter, and angry, and so abandoned that she honestly wasn’t even sure she wanted to stay at Monarch. Nothing and nobody that she’d wanted to return to was here anymore, only the bodies of those who played the parts once. So Mila became an actor too, playing the part of a good person - a person who wasn’t selfish. 

“You deserve a happy ending.” Why don’t I get one?  “I’m sure he’s amazing if you like him.” I felt amazing when you loved me. “I can’t wait to meet him.” I’ll compare myself the whole time and probably cry in the bathroom. “It’s a good thing for you.” This is the worst thing for me.

Asher tensed up as she did exactly what heknew she would do: shower him with sympathy. He hadn’t wanted it then and hecertainly didn’t want it now; his father may have died months ago but that didn’tmean he was suddenly absolved and deserving of love. “You don’t need toapologise. You had nothing to do with anything that happened”, he reminded her.“Besides, no matter what happened in my life, it doesn’t change the fact that Iwas an asshole to you. Actually, I was an asshole to a lot of people. I haven’tspoken to Lyssa since I was forced to leave Monarch. I literally have no ideawhere she is and what she’s doing. I’ve barely spoken to Jayce and he’s like aliteral puppy. What kind of asshole can ignore a puppy? I… I followed yourtravel blog and saw the photos of you and Peter but I… I didn’t even tell Lolathat the blog existed. I’ve hurt everyone that was stupid enough to care aboutme in the first place”.

Asher didn’t really know what to say. Ifthis had been a year ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated to go back with Mila.Throughout their conversation, it had become more and more apparent that thiswasn’t a year ago and things had certainly changed. This time last year, heonly had to worry about how Lyssa would feel if she found out that he was goinghome with Mila and considering they were no longer together, it had never beena major hindrance. Now though, Asher had Cae. They may not have been officialbut Asher cared for Cae and wanted it to be something more. He didn’t want toruin that. “I… I don’t think I can come back”, he said quietly. He knew thatwould probably upset Mila even more but he couldn’t lie and pretend that he wasthe same single, unattached person that he had used to know.

“Everybody can be an asshole at times. It’s whether or not you know you were an asshole that matters. You do, and that makes you a good person. The fact that you feel guilt this often shows how much you care and how great your heart is,” she stated firmly, leaving no room for debate. He’d never convince her he was a bad person, just as she doubted she’d convince him much of anything anymore. It wouldn’t stop her trying. 

“You haven’t hurt everybody, dummy. You place too much responsibility on your shoulders all the time. I mean, come on. I can maybe - maybe - understand the others to an extent. But Lola and Peter? How is it your job to tell Lola that? It was mine, if anything. You think I don’t recall saying to you how scared I was that Lola would find out about it, and hate me for not talking about Peter with her?” She scoffed, disgusted in herself and the situations she was in. “You’re good, and capable of doing bad things. Clearly I am too, and everyone else is if you think about it enough. You ignore their faults, that’s the difference.”

Asher knew that he was a selfish person. Hehad always been a selfish person and it was more than likely that he wouldalways remain a selfish person. He knew that this was a situation where hecouldn’t only focus on himself and what he wanted. Mila deserved the truth,even though he had been so adamant that he wanted to keep it to himself. “Mydad died”, he said simply, like those three little words held the answer toeverything that had happened between them over the last few months. In Asher’shead, it did, and if Mila knew him as well as she always said she did, he knewit would make sense to her too. “He pulled me out of Monarch because Lyssa washere but the punishment didn’t really feel like a punishment because I wasstill in contact with you. It was like my own little secret, something that myfather couldn’t destroy. For once, I won”, he told Mila, staring at the buildingbehind her rather than looking at her.

“Bu then he died and everything feltdifferent. I had spent so long defying my father and trying to manipulatesituations to get what I wanted despite his disapproval that the whole worldfelt like it had shifted just slightly off balance. My family disowned me formy complete lack of emotional response to my father’s death, which meant I lostmy mum too. No matter how much I hated my dad, I always loved my mum. That wasthe thing that really stung. Still stings really. So I broke off all contactwith you because I didn’t want you to be understanding and compassionate. I didn’twant you to tell me that it wasn’t my fault, that my reaction wasunderstandable, that everything would be okay in the long run”, he stoppedtalking, not really sure what else to say. “Lola’s moved out of the sororityhouse so her room will be empty. Mel moved out too, actually, so the entire topfloor will be empty. Consider your housing dilemma solved”.

If Mila felt like the world was unstable and confusing before, it was nothing compared to now. Every emotion she had been so entitled to moments earlier no longer felt valid, and was compounded by sadness for Asher, anger at his deceased father for doing this to him, and guilt that she hadn’t been there for him. Even if he wouldn’t have let her, she should have sensed he needed her. She should have tried.

She moved until she was crouching in front of him, her hands hesitating mid-air. Soon they settled atop his head, her fingers softly stroking his dark hair, wishing she could run her hands over his mind and soothe it as easily. “I’m so sorry,” she said because no other words felt right or fair, nor easy to form. Mila was much better at expressing herself physically in intense times, and this was no different. She stood again, this time to settle onto his lap, cradling his head against her chest, kissing his forehead softly. There was nothing sexual about it. It was purely about being as close to him as she could, wanting him to know that she understood now. He didn’t have to explain any more, nor did he deserve to be alone. And he didn’t have to be alone anymore. She was here, and she wasn’t going to run - even after hearing him say he couldn’t love her anymore. She was always going to be here for him when he’d let her.

Asher didn’t really know how to deal withthis situation. His relationship with Mila had been one of a kind, somethingcompletely unique and separate from anything else in his life. They had rarelydisagreed but when they did, there had been loud, angry screaming matches. Thetwo of them were passionate people and the fighting was just another element oftheir relationship; whilst it had never been nice to fight, it was just anotherreminder that the two of them cared enough about their relationship to want tosalvage it. When Asher had started ignoring Mila’s texts and phone calls, hehad destroyed part of their relationship. He had stopped fighting for them;stopped showing that he cared; and it was evident as they stood in front ofeach other now. Mila felt more like a stranger than the first woman he hadloved since Lyssa.

“I… I don’t know what we really are anymore,Mila”, he admitted. “I left and everything was fine because it didn’t reallyfeel like I was gone, you know? You were always on the other end of the phoneand even though we couldn’t kiss or touch, I didn’t miss you because there wasn’tanyone to miss”, he said, hoping that his words would make sense. He had neverreally been good at explaining himself; he was so used to other people writinghis lines that he struggled to think of his own words. “Fuck, I didn’t evencare that I’d been pulled out of Monarch by my overbearing, controlling, prickof a father because I still had my best friend’, he told her, “but theneverything just changed for me. I knew I could have told you what was going onand that you would have understood but I just didn’t feel like talking. I didn’twant someone to understand. I don’t want to give you bullshit excuses orjustify my behaviour, because I know it was terrible and you deserve better.Things are different because I made themdifferent. I needed them to bedifferent. I was in a bad place and for my own reasons, I couldn’t be in lovewith you anymore”. He knew his words were harsh and he knew he wasn’texplaining anything properly but it was intentional. He didn’t want Mila toforgive him; to cut him some slack because of everything that happened.

Mila found herself so exhausted. It felt like she traveled a whole year to end up exactly where she started - uselessly in love with complicated people. At least before, Monarch had benefits. She had her routines, her classes, her groups. Now she was returning to a blank - but hardly clean - slate, with too many feelings and thoughts and none of the comforts she once had to handle them. Worst of all, things didn’t seem so complicated between her and Asher anymore. He was making it clear how simple it was. He once wanted her around, wanted her friendship and love, and now he didn’t. He made sure things became the horrible way they are - because that’s what he wanted and needed. She knew that meant she wasn’t what he wanted or needed.