Even Clouds Cry

For years it was that way, now 10 years later it’s evolved into what everyone of my relationships has. He says he loves me, he also says I’m unlovable.

He’s not a drinker, a cheater, or physically abusive like my first husband. For the most part he is a nice guy. I’m starting to recognize the abuse though. I wonder if it’s always been there or if it’s a new behavior trait he has developed over the years.

I hate myself so much that is hurts when people like me. I don’t understand how they possibly can. If they knew the things I had done or the thoughts that live I. My head they would hate me too.

I push people away. When they leave it hurts but it’s also a relief. I always knew they would leave I’m not loveable I tell myself.

Having an invisible illness is horrible. People assume that because you look fine that you are. They can’t see the painful joints, the inflammation, the fatigue, the absolute desire to go to bed for days. They see a person who gets up and goes to work and does everything they possibly can. They don’t see the ice packs I use to calm my hands or the tears I shed on my drive home.

I’m often told “I forgot you had that!” or “are you sure you have that?” While I’m sure these aren’t meant to hurt. They do. They make the moments I push hard even harder because then I also think that I shouldn’t push so hard. Now I have my pain and my thoughts to fight.

Recently my oldest friend, who was diagnosed years before me with the same thing I have, told me that she doesn’t think I have it. I’ve been to multiple doctors. Even one she saw herself! In that moment I felt so alone. This person who should have been my biggest ally. Someone who should understood exactly what I’m going through mentally and physically suddenly became a stranger.

If she is going to question my diagnosis how could anyone ever believe me? I no longer tell people I’m sick or have anything wrong with me. I suffer in silence, rarely even telling my husband how bad it is.

All I want is to be enough.

All I want is to be safe.

All I want is to be the one.

When you have an illness that has no cure you hear the phrase “self care” a lot. It really just means put yourself first and make sure you are good before you do for others.

This in it’s self is awesome. Absolutely take care of yourself so you have something later. The issue is kids (and even some adults) don’t understand this. My kids just know that I’m either at work or sleeping (or trying to as the case usually is).

I have been putting in extra hours at work because we are short staffed. Today was my first day off in 17 days. As much as I wanted to sleep and rest today, I took my wonderful kids to the mall. It was so much fun and we made great memories.