I haven’t posted since Christmas. I’ve had to rely on a cognitive prosthetic 🩼 (AI) 🧠 just to be able to hear what I’m thinking clearly and structure my thoughts. It’s a bridge for the gaps my neurological issues are causing. I wish I could 'be well,' but this New Year's marked 20 years of the chronic illness that led me here.
I just recently found out that for the 4 years I've been going to UCSF, they never once used contrast for my brain scans. They’ve only looked for old scars, ignoring potential active inflammation. Essentially, I could have MS and they’ve never actually tested for it—they just put the FND label on me. Because of that, and the 2-hour interrogation I went through on the 21st, I no longer have trust in the medical world.
It’s okay, though. I don’t really feel real anymore anyway. Everything and everyone else feels real, but I feel like I'm just here to be used—logged on to and then forgotten when done. A giving tree in a world of takers and game players. I’m just really tired.
Losing a decade of history in a single moment recently was a shock I'm still processing. I'm so tired all the time, but I've been trying to keep on trying..
I miss and love you guys. I hope you're all happy. I'll try to be on more when I can ❤️🩹