Al's Disjointed Thoughts

some days i feel too much

some days i don't feel enough

but every day

i feel enough to see everyone as true equals

and to see myself as worthy of respect

and that is why i never seem put together

i say dumb shit

like literally everyone on the face of this planet

but i wish to purge all irrational hatred from myself

call me out gently or my brain will decide that it is time for an adrenal response

and gods i hate that

no one should have to go through what i went through

i should not be the person who gets you to take this seriously because i am so pale i put dracula to shame

but racism is not ok

transphobia against any trans person is not ok

hating someone for something beyond their control is not ok

it is not in words that the cost of hatred and apparent lack of love is measured

nor is it in blood

it is in the tears of those who are left behind

and part of me will always be that child

brokenhearted and crying

questioning why a kid who was days away from turning ten died for what looked like no reason

a mystery

knowledge that was kept from me

and i cannot describe what it is like to know

every time someone is killed in an act of hatred

every time someone believes so deeply that they are unloved that they take their own life

every time a death could have been prevented

that there are people like i was that day

who have to pick up the pieces of a shattered reality

knowing that there are large pieces missing now

and spend eternity trying to put back together that which cannot be whole

for simplicity's sake

i simply refer to this feeling and knowledge as The Thunder

or as my brain being on fire

and it drives me insane

and the people who make me feel this way know they are in the wrong

i wish they would stop

then i would have no quarrel with them

mortal beings were not meant to feel so deeply

so why do i feel so deeply

and yet

reject that the notion that being that way

reject that the act of hating those who have not earned my ire

reject that the act of spouting racist nonsense

reject that the act of seeing other people as the other

would be better?

and why must i fear speaking my mind

when it is nothing compared to the darkness i yet harbor?

why should i not say the words i have held back for years

and drown in the onrushing tsunami of pain and sadness instead?

why should i hold back