Mentor-wise

Tuesday morning, as I watched the neighborhood kids getting on the bus for the first day of school, I felt a sense of excitement myself.  This time of year always feels full of promise to me, even though autumn is quickly approaching.  Perhaps it is the anticipation of learning new things, making a fresh start with a new teacher, or the new school supplies.  At any rate, it has propelled me to start fresh with this blog, after taking the summer away from it. 

With renewed energy and enthusiasm, I have my game plan for the topics that I will share over the next few months.  I have also signed on to be a mentor in a very worthwhile program, which I will share with you in future writings.  I would also love to hear from you!  Please let me know if there are any topics that you would like to see addressed in Mentor~Wise (email me at [email protected]). 

 What in your mentoring could use a "fresh start"?

Do something different to re-vitalize a mentoring relationship

Contact someone who you mentored in the past, just to say hello and check in

Volunteer to mentor someone new

Informally mentor someone, who needs some extra support, by just taking them under your wings

Reconnect to what you want to give and gain as a mentor

Commit to taking your mentoring to a new level by listening more deeply and asking thought provoking questions

Breathe deeply and smile on a regular basis, being present to the moment

As soon as I heard "most of the participants don't speak English," my mind began to race. How would I engage everyone when they couldn't understand me?  Would I need to dramatically change the workshop structure?  What would it be like to have interpreters there?  And so on.

I was a bit bewildered as to how I was going to deliver an effective, engaging leadership workshop for a US Department of State sponsored International Visitor Leadership Program with this constraint. 

Then, I had an aha moment -- I may be considered an "expert" when it comes to leadership development, but training a non-English speaking group was totally new to me; thus I was a beginner.  As soon as I took on that beginner's mindset, I relaxed and lots of ideas came to me.  

Whether you are new at mentoring or a seasoned mentor, sometimes shifting from the pressure of being the expert to being a beginner creates all sorts of new openings. 

The following beginner's mindset is just as relevant to mentors as it was to me in preparing for the leadership workshop:

These are talented leaders in their own right, who are here to learn and contribute -- build on their knowledge and passion.

Be okay with being a bit vulnerable and letting people know if something is new to you. Ask for feedback and support.

Better to say that you don't know or haven't had that experience than to be disingenuous. 

Last thought.  Remember how much fun it was to learn to ride a bike, do a magic trick or build a fort, as a kid?  You don't always have to be the expert to be a good mentor.  Have some fun being a beginner again.  You might learn something from your mentee! 

It’s great that there is a month designated to celebrate the act of mentoring and its value to individuals and organizations.  Mentoring, when purposeful and offered in the spirit of reciprocity, is a generous act of sharing and learning.  It’s a beneficial, special kind of conversation.

Why not, during this month of celebrating mentoring, start a new daily practice of mentoring?   REALLY?  Who has time to mentor every day? Well, we all do, if we reframe how we look at mentoring. What if we looked at mentoring as a simple, purposeful (but not always easy) conversation?

Let’s boil the mentoring conversation down to some of its key components:

Intent –sharing one’s experience and knowledge in supporting another person’s goals and aspirations

Skills – listening, asking purposeful questions (open ended), sharing information, connecting with others

Spirit – reciprocity, generosity, caring, trust, wanting to make a difference

Outcome – enabling a new perspective or new possibilities for the future and the courage to take action

Given that perspective of the mentoring conversation, can you now imagine having that type of conversation on a daily basis? 

It might be a conversation with a peer about overcoming an obstacle on a project.  It might be sharing some insights with your boss on a possible solution for a customer’s issue.  It might be helping your child with her difficult homework. 

The mentoring conversation can be 10 minutes or an hour.  It can be scheduled or impromptu.  It can be part of a formal mentoring program or relationship or a one-time conversation.  You might be recognized with the mentor title or never hear the title used.  

If you carry that spirit of mentoring into many of your conversations throughout the day, I will venture to guess that it will change the outcomes of many of those conversations.  That’s something to celebrate!

Yes, we all know that in less than two weeks, the New Year will arrive - ready or not.  Which means that many of us will be making those New Year resolutions.   But before you go down that path, I encourage you to stop and reflect a bit on this past year.  

Too often, we have the tendency to want to leave the old year behind and start fresh with the new.  By stopping and looking back, we can reflect on what worked well during the past year and what has not worked for us.  Taking the time to reflect, before establishing our new goals and plans, enables us to learn from the past and thus, increase the likelihood of being more successful in the New Year.  

As a mentor, this is a good time of year to encourage your mentee to invest some time in reflection.  And of course, it couldn’t hurt for you to do the same. 

Whether you are doing some reflection on your own accomplishments, challenges and set backs in 2013, or mentoring someone through a conversation on this topic, following are some questions that are useful to ask: 

What have I experienced this year?

What did I achieve in 2013 that is worth celebrating?

What regrets do I have?  Tell yourself the truth as to why.

What is true for me now? 

What do I want to take with me into the New Year?

What changes do I want to make?

How will 2014 be different?

Recently I was on a panel at a university addressing mentoring, sharing best practices and ways for the students to utilize a mentor to support their career vision and development.  What these business students and many others want to know is “How do I find a mentor?” And then, “How do I ask someone to mentor me?” 

There are many people out there who would love to be mentored by you.  To have a mentor who asks them powerful questions and helps them see things from a new perspective.  A mentor, who is interested in supporting the mentee’s development versus just doling out advice.  It might be a colleague, a student, a neighbor, or even your boss. 

With today being GivingTuesday, a day when we are encouraged to make donations to our favorite charities, I want to encourage mentors to be proactive and offer your mentoring support without always first being asked.  Why is this an important request?  Because many individuals are afraid to ask for your help and for your time.  

When you sense that someone would appreciate a listening ear or an objective perspective, offer to have a conversation.  Just a conversation! Not a lifetime commitment as their mentor.  Mentoring is just a type of conversation – it doesn’t need a fancy label in order for it to happen. The important distinction about an effective mentoring conversation is that it is purposeful and is about helping the other person learn new approaches, perspectives and insights to reaching their goals. 

Women are over-mentored and under-sponsored in the workplace.  And that is holding women back from advancing to senior management and C-level roles, according to Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her book, Forget a Mentor, Find a Sponsor.

But should women really “forget” about developing and utilizing mentors?  And what about your role as a mentor – is it still valuable? 

While I adamantly agree that sponsors are the secret weapons to career advancement and women are under-sponsored, there are important distinctions between having a sponsor and having a mentor.

The role of the sponsor is to champion for “their person” to get key assignments and advancement opportunities. It is an alliance based on trust and results, where the sponsor is basically staking their reputation on the protégé’s ultimate performance.  Whereas, the mentor usually doesn't have the same stake in a mentee’s career and is more apt to share advice and be a supportive resource in the mentee’s development.

As a mentor, it is useful to ensure that your mentee knows the distinction and doesn’t expect you to actively advocate for her or him, unless it is appropriate for you to also wear that sponsor hat – which sometimes happens.

I recently moderated a panel of accomplished women with Women in Bio and Women In Technology in DC.  After the panel, a number of women came up to me, eager to get advice on their careers.  The issues ranged from improving their self-confidence to what to do when asked to perform “women’s duties,” like taking meeting notes and planning the office parties.  Those types of issues are appropriate for a mentoring conversation (vs. going to a sponsor), where the mentor’s experience can be quite valuable in helping the mentee to develop new skills, tactics and strategies for handling career issues.

Mentors can also support a mentee’s efforts to identify and develop a sponsor through introductions to their own connections and co-creating some strategies with the mentee.

The idea came to Kathy Korman Frey back in 2009 when, as a business professor and mother, many young women asked her the same question about “how did she do it all.” Instead of telling her story over and over again, she created the Hot Mammas Project, where she told her story in a case study format and made it available to all.  Then she began collecting stories from other remarkable women throughout the world -- women, who are striving to build successful careers and have rich, full lives outside of work. 

The idea being that if young women could read stories about successful women, they would start believing that they could also have such a life and it would enhance their confidence to follow their own dreams. And according to Frey’s research, it seems to be working!

Mentors can learn a thing or two about the power of storytelling from these Hot Mammas.  Stories help people relate to one and other.  The lessons shared are often quite memorable, because the emotion behind the story makes it more compelling. Emotion wins over logic most of the time.  And as the Hot Mammas demonstrate, a relatable story can change someone’s mindset and help them see new possibilities for themselves. 

As a mentor, consider how you tell your stories when you are asked for advice or when you want to share a different perspective with your mentee.  Some of us are natural storytellers.  But if you don’t feel confident in your storytelling capability, here are some tips about making your stories more compelling, and thus effective: 

Start with the end in mind.  What is the takeaway message?

Keep it short.  A lot can be shared in a story that is one to three minutes long.  Going longer can lose the listener or take you off point.

Use real emotion to touch people hearts and minds. 

What is the compelling part of this story?  Often its how you or others dealt with conflict, obstacles or fear.  Paint a vivid picture of what was overcome and how.

And the moral of this story is.....oh, never mind.  If it’s a good story, the listener or reader will get the takeaway message. 

    Resource notes:  Read more about the Hot Mammas Project at their website http://www.hotmommasproject.org/competition.aspx and in Brigid Schulte’s article, “Mission: Seeing, believing” in the Washington Post on 11/3/13. 

We often face many challenges in our everyday work and life – from a colleague missing a critical deadline for the proposal due tomorrow to losing a job or the big promotion. Bouncing back from the weight of disappointment, sadness, fear or loss is demonstrating resilience.  Resilience is a critical trait for leadership and our own wellbeing. 

If you have seen the new movie Gravity with Sandra Bullock as astronaut, Dr. Ryan Stone, you have seen how one’s ability to bounce back can grow with practice.  Now no one should have to face the number of obstacles that Ryan faced in 24 hours! Losing her colleagues, space shuttle, space station, and communication back to earth, were just a few of the disasters that challenged her physical, intellectual and emotional capacity.  

Without giving away the plot twists or ending, Ryan gets some mentoring from fellow astronaut, played by George Clooney, when she is about to give up all hope.

What can we learn from Gravity about how mentoring can help others develop resilience? 

Make sure to acknowledge the pain, frustration or loss by showing empathy.  It’s okay to have those emotions and empathy helps us connect to and understand others.

Help your mentee shift the focus from the current state to the future.  What does the mentee want or need to have happen? What is most important to her? 

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to solve the problem for the mentee.  Help him create his own plan of action and the first step that he is willing to take.  Showing faith in the mentee’s capabilities can help him bounce back with more courage.

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no? Doesn't that make life a story?” ― Yann Martel goodreads

Think about that quote.  How do stories impact the mentoring conversation?  The stories that we bring into the conversation – about oneself, about our mentee, about the organization.  The stories that our mentee holds and tells – about her experiences, about her situation, about her strengths and weaknesses.

As human beings, we make sense out of our experiences by turning them into stories.  Stories help us communicate our experience to others.  But those stories are just our interpretation of the situation or experience, and that interpretation or story changes over time, as we layer on more stories of our life experiences.

Does that mean we can’t believe the stories that our mentees share?  To me, it means that being aware that these are “just our stories” can help inform and add value to the mentoring conversation, in these ways:

Listen for your mentee’s story.  What beliefs, values and assumptions are reflected in that story?  This provides deeper understanding and empathy.

If you notice that your mentee’s story may not be serving them, ask the mentee directly, “How is that working for you?”

Notice your own listening.  What stories of your own are you bringing into the conversation?  A clue that your own story might interfere with your listening is when you begin to think, “I would do X, if that were me!” 

Millennials, those people between the ages of 13 and 33, seem to get lumped together with some misleading and often negative labels, especially when it comes to the workplace.  They are often seen as a generation of entitlement and narcissism.

As a parent, co-worker, and mentor to Millennials, I think it is time to clear up some misconceptions.  After all, by 2020 over 50% of the workforce will be made up of Millennials! Millennials happen to be the most educated, tolerant, technology-oriented and global-minded generation; yet, they also are the most under-employed and in debt generation. 

So what are some of the ramifications of mentoring a Millennial?  Here are five things to consider:

Be a co-conspirator. Millennials don’t respond well to authority figures, but want someone who will co-create and partner with them.

Help them explore what gives them meaning and purpose in their life; purpose is a strong value for most Millennials, but many haven’t figured out what that purpose is, yet.

Encourage Millennials to consider how they can contribute in their current role or situation; and how it will support their growth and take them closer to their true calling.

Understand that a vast majority of Millennials are willing to work hard, especially if it is something they consider important.  Helping them see the value of their contributions can improve job satisfaction and engagement.

Be real.  Millennials value authenticity. Don’t be surprised to learn that most do not see a difference between who they are at work and at play.

When it comes to mentoring also consider this -- 75% of Millennials want a mentor! But also be aware that 65% indicated that they should be mentoring older co-workers on technology issues and getting things done more efficiently.  If you do have a mentoring relationship with a Millennial, what a great opportunity to take advantage of some reverse mentoring!

Resource note:  If you want to learn more, listen to this interview with Anne Hubert, Sr VP at Viacom’s Scratch, where she shares insights on what makes Millennials tick. “Visionary Leader, Extraordinary Life” radio program with Nebo’s Kate Ebner.

Being out in nature or even in a new locale often opens one’s senses to the surroundings, allowing one to be more mindful and notice new things.  Have you ever tried mentoring on a walk?  

In my coaching practice, I have used nature walks as a means to carry on a conversation in a relaxed, yet purposeful manner.  I have found that people are often more open and reflective on a walk.  And being outdoors in a new setting often shakes things up, changes perspective, and sparks new ideas and possibilities. 

Steve Jobs was well known for taking long walks around Palo Alto and exploring ideas with his walking companions.  Mark Zuckerberg, another walker, often takes prospective key hires on walks to interview them and sell them on coming to Facebook. 

Walking in a park or along a body of water is ideal, but even a walk around a few city blocks can be an effective change from your normal mentoring environment.  Just moving your mentoring conversation outdoors, maybe to a coffee shop patio or sidewalk cafe, is a good start and a break in routine. 

What if you mentor by Skype or phone?  Sit outside, if possible, and encourage your mentee to do likewise.  Can’t get outside? Keep an inspiring nature photo framed or as your screensaver. 

Last year I wrote about J.J., a bulldog puppy and the newest mascot for the Georgetown Hoyas.  J.J. was being mentored by Jack, the aging mascot.  Well, J.J. didn’t work out.  It seems that J.J. wanted to do things his own way and wasn’t too fond of the Hoyas youngest fans.  Now Jack is back and no longer mentoring J.J. 

  How do you know when it is time to wrap up your mentoring relationship?  In some cases, mentoring relationships last a lifetime.  In others, a specific timeframe is set right upfront (i.e., in many formal mentoring programs). But for mentors who don’t have that structure, there usually comes a time when you begin to wonder if you are still adding value and should continue the relationship. 

Here are a few indicators that it might be wise for you and your mentee to move on – be it to a different type of relationship or parting ways.

All talk, no action – you see the mentee unwilling to change behaviors that are not working for him, despite numerous conversations and efforts to help him establish new practices or behaviors.   

Beyond your scope – sometimes a mentee just needs a different type of support; someone with expertise in a specialized area or even someone with a different set of lenses.

Reciprocity is missing – you don’t feel like you are getting anything in return anymore – learning new things, enhancing your own leadership skills, giving back, etc. Both parties should benefit from the mentoring relationship.

It’s no longer fun – let’s face it, mentoring should be enjoyable and meaningful for you, the mentor.  For whatever reason, if your heart is not in it, then move on.

Goals have been met – the purpose for the mentoring has been achieved and there is no longer a real need for continued mentoring.  Woohoo!

Every day is an opportunity to create a new story.  Just think, a few weeks ago Phil Mickelson was the loser, the second-place guy, who could not win a big major.  This week, he is the 43 year old golfer who is getting better with age, having just won the British Open with a come from behind win.  In interviews after his win, Mickelson said that he did not want the loss at the US Open to define him and that it motivated him to focus on playing his best golf. 

Mickelson’s win is testament to the value of learning from one’s disappointments, failures and losses and being able to come back stronger, the subject of my last M~W post.  But it also shows how quickly the story can change -- not only in the media, but also in the people’s minds who watched Mickelson play and heard him speak. 

Most of what people know about us is from the stories that we tell.  Are the stories that your mentee tells serving them well and supporting their stated purpose or goals?  As a mentor, listening for these stories and sharing when you perceive that might be a disconnect with the mentee’s intent can be extremely valuable to your mentee.  Often your mentee won’t even realize how others are hearing their story – they are just too close to it.     

Here are some mentoring tips for helping someone change or reframe their story to serve their purpose more effectively:

Repeat back what you heard from the story, so the mentee can hear it in someone else’s words

Ask about the mentee’s intent: for example, “What are you hoping to accomplish?” or “How do you want to be perceived?” 

Discuss possible outcomes and test to see if the mentee thinks he will get the desired outcome based on his current story

Explore what changes the mentee may want to create and how she can support that with her story

We all love winners.  Our culture celebrates success and winning in our schools, in all levels of sports programs, and in our organizations.  And we don’t really like to spend much time talking about failure or losing.  But as a mentor, at times you probably find yourself dealing with mentees who have experienced a loss or failure of some sort.  It may be causing your mentee to feel sorry for herself, to blame others, or even worse, to not even try for fear of failing again.

Research on champion athletes shows an interesting twist to our traditional attitude towards losing.  As Sally Jenkins reported in The Washington Post, “Here’s the scientific fact: Athletes who don’t shy away from failure – and who examine it honestly – tend to eventually come out winners.”* 

The ability to examine failure in technical terms and let go of the disappointment quickly are key to changing the outcome.  In brain scans of Olympic-level swimmers, those who were shown videos of their failures showed the same neural activity of someone who was depressed.  Those who were asked to examine the loss in more technical terms of what went wrong and what they would change, showed less emotional and depression activity in the brain, and they went on to improve in their next performances.  

Here are some ways to help your mentee examine his failure, learn from it, and hopefully change the outcome the next time:

Acknowledge the disappointment, but don’t shy away from addressing the failure.  Ask directly about what went wrong from the mentee’s perspective.

Encourage her to let go of the failure and shift to the present.  What implication does this have for the mentee now?

Explore the changes that the mentee thinks will improve his performance and the outcome.  Let the ideas come from the mentee – not you. 

Help your mentee take the learning and make steps towards improving. How will she put into practice this new behavior, process or skill?

After all, encouraging your mentee to be a better loser can help him or her become a more likely winner – and you, an effective mentor!

While out on my walk this morning, a little girl ran up to my dog and asked me, “What’s your dog’s name?  Can I pet her?” This was followed by a number of other questions. “What is your name?  Is she a puppy? Which street do you live on? How many children do you have?”  Her dad finally told her not to ask so many questions.  I smiled and said that I was glad that she introduced herself and that we got to know each other through our dogs – and her questions!

  Hmmm, what has this story got to do with mentoring?  Most young children naturally operate out of curiosity and learn about their world and build relationships by asking questions.  Imagine what you could discover and learn about your mentee if you bring that sense of curiosity to your mentoring.  More importantly, your curiosity or asking the questions, can lead your mentee to discover new insights about him or herself, the situation, and possible options. 

In Co-Active Coaching (Whitworth, Kimsey-House, and Sandahl), the role of curiosity in a coaching relationship is described as, “Curiosity is open, inviting, spacious, almost playful. And yet it is also enormously powerful.”  Being authentically curious helps build connection.  We can tell the difference when someone is asking us questions about ourselves and they are truly interested – versus a battery of questions that feels like an interrogation or job interview.  Once a sincere connection is made, curiosity permits safer exploration of a mentoring topic.  

Now I’m curious.  What kind of connection do you have with your mentee? Do you know --

What makes your mentee tick?

What fear holds him back?

What accomplishment is she most proud of? 

What experience taught him the most?

What makes her happy?

What are his goals – both in his career and life?

What one change would she make in her life? 

Shouldn’t you offer a sympathetic ear when you find out that your mentee just got laid off?  Had a major setback on a key project? Got passed over for the big promotion? Had some other failure, disappointment, setback or loss?

You will be more effective in the mentoring role if you avoid acting out of sympathy and feeling sorry for the mentee. When we feel sorry for someone, we impart a certain distance emotionally between ourselves and the other person.  We can appear not to really understand the significance of the situation or to be more concerned about offering solutions and solving the problem, than caring about the person. 

Instead of sympathy, use empathy.  We all want to be seen, heard and understood by those around us.  In any relationship, connection is made when we feel like the other person really “gets us”.  Empathy means recognizing the thoughts and feelings of another and then connecting to those same feelings in ourselves, in way that helps us relate to the other person in a meaningful way. 

Here’s an illustration of the difference. Your mentee shares the news that his request for funding just got turned down. 

Sympathy: “Gee, I am sorry about that.  What happened?”

Empathy: “I understand how disappointed and frustrated you must be after all the time and energy you put into that request. What happened?”

Showing empathy can be hard.  We have to acknowledge not only the feelings of others, but our own feelings.  But being empathetic is key to making connection with others -- a vital leadership capacity that mentors can role model for others.