#mentoringlessons

Tuesday morning, as I watched the neighborhood kids getting on the bus for the first day of school, I felt a sense of excitement myself.  This time of year always feels full of promise to me, even though autumn is quickly approaching.  Perhaps it is the anticipation of learning new things, making a fresh start with a new teacher, or the new school supplies.  At any rate, it has propelled me to start fresh with this blog, after taking the summer away from it. 

With renewed energy and enthusiasm, I have my game plan for the topics that I will share over the next few months.  I have also signed on to be a mentor in a very worthwhile program, which I will share with you in future writings.  I would also love to hear from you!  Please let me know if there are any topics that you would like to see addressed in Mentor~Wise (email me at [email protected]). 

 What in your mentoring could use a "fresh start"?

Do something different to re-vitalize a mentoring relationship

Contact someone who you mentored in the past, just to say hello and check in

Volunteer to mentor someone new

Informally mentor someone, who needs some extra support, by just taking them under your wings

Reconnect to what you want to give and gain as a mentor

Commit to taking your mentoring to a new level by listening more deeply and asking thought provoking questions

Breathe deeply and smile on a regular basis, being present to the moment

As soon as I heard "most of the participants don't speak English," my mind began to race. How would I engage everyone when they couldn't understand me?  Would I need to dramatically change the workshop structure?  What would it be like to have interpreters there?  And so on.

I was a bit bewildered as to how I was going to deliver an effective, engaging leadership workshop for a US Department of State sponsored International Visitor Leadership Program with this constraint. 

Then, I had an aha moment -- I may be considered an "expert" when it comes to leadership development, but training a non-English speaking group was totally new to me; thus I was a beginner.  As soon as I took on that beginner's mindset, I relaxed and lots of ideas came to me.  

Whether you are new at mentoring or a seasoned mentor, sometimes shifting from the pressure of being the expert to being a beginner creates all sorts of new openings. 

The following beginner's mindset is just as relevant to mentors as it was to me in preparing for the leadership workshop:

These are talented leaders in their own right, who are here to learn and contribute -- build on their knowledge and passion.

Be okay with being a bit vulnerable and letting people know if something is new to you. Ask for feedback and support.

Better to say that you don't know or haven't had that experience than to be disingenuous. 

Last thought.  Remember how much fun it was to learn to ride a bike, do a magic trick or build a fort, as a kid?  You don't always have to be the expert to be a good mentor.  Have some fun being a beginner again.  You might learn something from your mentee! 

Recently I was on a panel at a university addressing mentoring, sharing best practices and ways for the students to utilize a mentor to support their career vision and development.  What these business students and many others want to know is “How do I find a mentor?” And then, “How do I ask someone to mentor me?” 

There are many people out there who would love to be mentored by you.  To have a mentor who asks them powerful questions and helps them see things from a new perspective.  A mentor, who is interested in supporting the mentee’s development versus just doling out advice.  It might be a colleague, a student, a neighbor, or even your boss. 

With today being GivingTuesday, a day when we are encouraged to make donations to our favorite charities, I want to encourage mentors to be proactive and offer your mentoring support without always first being asked.  Why is this an important request?  Because many individuals are afraid to ask for your help and for your time.  

When you sense that someone would appreciate a listening ear or an objective perspective, offer to have a conversation.  Just a conversation! Not a lifetime commitment as their mentor.  Mentoring is just a type of conversation – it doesn’t need a fancy label in order for it to happen. The important distinction about an effective mentoring conversation is that it is purposeful and is about helping the other person learn new approaches, perspectives and insights to reaching their goals. 

The idea came to Kathy Korman Frey back in 2009 when, as a business professor and mother, many young women asked her the same question about “how did she do it all.” Instead of telling her story over and over again, she created the Hot Mammas Project, where she told her story in a case study format and made it available to all.  Then she began collecting stories from other remarkable women throughout the world -- women, who are striving to build successful careers and have rich, full lives outside of work. 

The idea being that if young women could read stories about successful women, they would start believing that they could also have such a life and it would enhance their confidence to follow their own dreams. And according to Frey’s research, it seems to be working!

Mentors can learn a thing or two about the power of storytelling from these Hot Mammas.  Stories help people relate to one and other.  The lessons shared are often quite memorable, because the emotion behind the story makes it more compelling. Emotion wins over logic most of the time.  And as the Hot Mammas demonstrate, a relatable story can change someone’s mindset and help them see new possibilities for themselves. 

As a mentor, consider how you tell your stories when you are asked for advice or when you want to share a different perspective with your mentee.  Some of us are natural storytellers.  But if you don’t feel confident in your storytelling capability, here are some tips about making your stories more compelling, and thus effective: 

Start with the end in mind.  What is the takeaway message?

Keep it short.  A lot can be shared in a story that is one to three minutes long.  Going longer can lose the listener or take you off point.

Use real emotion to touch people hearts and minds. 

What is the compelling part of this story?  Often its how you or others dealt with conflict, obstacles or fear.  Paint a vivid picture of what was overcome and how.

And the moral of this story is.....oh, never mind.  If it’s a good story, the listener or reader will get the takeaway message. 

    Resource notes:  Read more about the Hot Mammas Project at their website http://www.hotmommasproject.org/competition.aspx and in Brigid Schulte’s article, “Mission: Seeing, believing” in the Washington Post on 11/3/13. 

We often face many challenges in our everyday work and life – from a colleague missing a critical deadline for the proposal due tomorrow to losing a job or the big promotion. Bouncing back from the weight of disappointment, sadness, fear or loss is demonstrating resilience.  Resilience is a critical trait for leadership and our own wellbeing. 

If you have seen the new movie Gravity with Sandra Bullock as astronaut, Dr. Ryan Stone, you have seen how one’s ability to bounce back can grow with practice.  Now no one should have to face the number of obstacles that Ryan faced in 24 hours! Losing her colleagues, space shuttle, space station, and communication back to earth, were just a few of the disasters that challenged her physical, intellectual and emotional capacity.  

Without giving away the plot twists or ending, Ryan gets some mentoring from fellow astronaut, played by George Clooney, when she is about to give up all hope.

What can we learn from Gravity about how mentoring can help others develop resilience? 

Make sure to acknowledge the pain, frustration or loss by showing empathy.  It’s okay to have those emotions and empathy helps us connect to and understand others.

Help your mentee shift the focus from the current state to the future.  What does the mentee want or need to have happen? What is most important to her? 

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to solve the problem for the mentee.  Help him create his own plan of action and the first step that he is willing to take.  Showing faith in the mentee’s capabilities can help him bounce back with more courage.

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no? Doesn't that make life a story?” ― Yann Martel goodreads

Think about that quote.  How do stories impact the mentoring conversation?  The stories that we bring into the conversation – about oneself, about our mentee, about the organization.  The stories that our mentee holds and tells – about her experiences, about her situation, about her strengths and weaknesses.

As human beings, we make sense out of our experiences by turning them into stories.  Stories help us communicate our experience to others.  But those stories are just our interpretation of the situation or experience, and that interpretation or story changes over time, as we layer on more stories of our life experiences.

Does that mean we can’t believe the stories that our mentees share?  To me, it means that being aware that these are “just our stories” can help inform and add value to the mentoring conversation, in these ways:

Listen for your mentee’s story.  What beliefs, values and assumptions are reflected in that story?  This provides deeper understanding and empathy.

If you notice that your mentee’s story may not be serving them, ask the mentee directly, “How is that working for you?”

Notice your own listening.  What stories of your own are you bringing into the conversation?  A clue that your own story might interfere with your listening is when you begin to think, “I would do X, if that were me!” 

Last year I wrote about J.J., a bulldog puppy and the newest mascot for the Georgetown Hoyas.  J.J. was being mentored by Jack, the aging mascot.  Well, J.J. didn’t work out.  It seems that J.J. wanted to do things his own way and wasn’t too fond of the Hoyas youngest fans.  Now Jack is back and no longer mentoring J.J. 

  How do you know when it is time to wrap up your mentoring relationship?  In some cases, mentoring relationships last a lifetime.  In others, a specific timeframe is set right upfront (i.e., in many formal mentoring programs). But for mentors who don’t have that structure, there usually comes a time when you begin to wonder if you are still adding value and should continue the relationship. 

Here are a few indicators that it might be wise for you and your mentee to move on – be it to a different type of relationship or parting ways.

All talk, no action – you see the mentee unwilling to change behaviors that are not working for him, despite numerous conversations and efforts to help him establish new practices or behaviors.   

Beyond your scope – sometimes a mentee just needs a different type of support; someone with expertise in a specialized area or even someone with a different set of lenses.

Reciprocity is missing – you don’t feel like you are getting anything in return anymore – learning new things, enhancing your own leadership skills, giving back, etc. Both parties should benefit from the mentoring relationship.

It’s no longer fun – let’s face it, mentoring should be enjoyable and meaningful for you, the mentor.  For whatever reason, if your heart is not in it, then move on.

Goals have been met – the purpose for the mentoring has been achieved and there is no longer a real need for continued mentoring.  Woohoo!

Every day is an opportunity to create a new story.  Just think, a few weeks ago Phil Mickelson was the loser, the second-place guy, who could not win a big major.  This week, he is the 43 year old golfer who is getting better with age, having just won the British Open with a come from behind win.  In interviews after his win, Mickelson said that he did not want the loss at the US Open to define him and that it motivated him to focus on playing his best golf. 

Mickelson’s win is testament to the value of learning from one’s disappointments, failures and losses and being able to come back stronger, the subject of my last M~W post.  But it also shows how quickly the story can change -- not only in the media, but also in the people’s minds who watched Mickelson play and heard him speak. 

Most of what people know about us is from the stories that we tell.  Are the stories that your mentee tells serving them well and supporting their stated purpose or goals?  As a mentor, listening for these stories and sharing when you perceive that might be a disconnect with the mentee’s intent can be extremely valuable to your mentee.  Often your mentee won’t even realize how others are hearing their story – they are just too close to it.     

Here are some mentoring tips for helping someone change or reframe their story to serve their purpose more effectively:

Repeat back what you heard from the story, so the mentee can hear it in someone else’s words

Ask about the mentee’s intent: for example, “What are you hoping to accomplish?” or “How do you want to be perceived?” 

Discuss possible outcomes and test to see if the mentee thinks he will get the desired outcome based on his current story

Explore what changes the mentee may want to create and how she can support that with her story