#mentoringtips

As soon as I heard "most of the participants don't speak English," my mind began to race. How would I engage everyone when they couldn't understand me?  Would I need to dramatically change the workshop structure?  What would it be like to have interpreters there?  And so on.

I was a bit bewildered as to how I was going to deliver an effective, engaging leadership workshop for a US Department of State sponsored International Visitor Leadership Program with this constraint. 

Then, I had an aha moment -- I may be considered an "expert" when it comes to leadership development, but training a non-English speaking group was totally new to me; thus I was a beginner.  As soon as I took on that beginner's mindset, I relaxed and lots of ideas came to me.  

Whether you are new at mentoring or a seasoned mentor, sometimes shifting from the pressure of being the expert to being a beginner creates all sorts of new openings. 

The following beginner's mindset is just as relevant to mentors as it was to me in preparing for the leadership workshop:

These are talented leaders in their own right, who are here to learn and contribute -- build on their knowledge and passion.

Be okay with being a bit vulnerable and letting people know if something is new to you. Ask for feedback and support.

Better to say that you don't know or haven't had that experience than to be disingenuous. 

Last thought.  Remember how much fun it was to learn to ride a bike, do a magic trick or build a fort, as a kid?  You don't always have to be the expert to be a good mentor.  Have some fun being a beginner again.  You might learn something from your mentee! 

It’s great that there is a month designated to celebrate the act of mentoring and its value to individuals and organizations.  Mentoring, when purposeful and offered in the spirit of reciprocity, is a generous act of sharing and learning.  It’s a beneficial, special kind of conversation.

Why not, during this month of celebrating mentoring, start a new daily practice of mentoring?   REALLY?  Who has time to mentor every day? Well, we all do, if we reframe how we look at mentoring. What if we looked at mentoring as a simple, purposeful (but not always easy) conversation?

Let’s boil the mentoring conversation down to some of its key components:

Intent –sharing one’s experience and knowledge in supporting another person’s goals and aspirations

Skills – listening, asking purposeful questions (open ended), sharing information, connecting with others

Spirit – reciprocity, generosity, caring, trust, wanting to make a difference

Outcome – enabling a new perspective or new possibilities for the future and the courage to take action

Given that perspective of the mentoring conversation, can you now imagine having that type of conversation on a daily basis? 

It might be a conversation with a peer about overcoming an obstacle on a project.  It might be sharing some insights with your boss on a possible solution for a customer’s issue.  It might be helping your child with her difficult homework. 

The mentoring conversation can be 10 minutes or an hour.  It can be scheduled or impromptu.  It can be part of a formal mentoring program or relationship or a one-time conversation.  You might be recognized with the mentor title or never hear the title used.  

If you carry that spirit of mentoring into many of your conversations throughout the day, I will venture to guess that it will change the outcomes of many of those conversations.  That’s something to celebrate!

The idea came to Kathy Korman Frey back in 2009 when, as a business professor and mother, many young women asked her the same question about “how did she do it all.” Instead of telling her story over and over again, she created the Hot Mammas Project, where she told her story in a case study format and made it available to all.  Then she began collecting stories from other remarkable women throughout the world -- women, who are striving to build successful careers and have rich, full lives outside of work. 

The idea being that if young women could read stories about successful women, they would start believing that they could also have such a life and it would enhance their confidence to follow their own dreams. And according to Frey’s research, it seems to be working!

Mentors can learn a thing or two about the power of storytelling from these Hot Mammas.  Stories help people relate to one and other.  The lessons shared are often quite memorable, because the emotion behind the story makes it more compelling. Emotion wins over logic most of the time.  And as the Hot Mammas demonstrate, a relatable story can change someone’s mindset and help them see new possibilities for themselves. 

As a mentor, consider how you tell your stories when you are asked for advice or when you want to share a different perspective with your mentee.  Some of us are natural storytellers.  But if you don’t feel confident in your storytelling capability, here are some tips about making your stories more compelling, and thus effective: 

Start with the end in mind.  What is the takeaway message?

Keep it short.  A lot can be shared in a story that is one to three minutes long.  Going longer can lose the listener or take you off point.

Use real emotion to touch people hearts and minds. 

What is the compelling part of this story?  Often its how you or others dealt with conflict, obstacles or fear.  Paint a vivid picture of what was overcome and how.

And the moral of this story is.....oh, never mind.  If it’s a good story, the listener or reader will get the takeaway message. 

    Resource notes:  Read more about the Hot Mammas Project at their website http://www.hotmommasproject.org/competition.aspx and in Brigid Schulte’s article, “Mission: Seeing, believing” in the Washington Post on 11/3/13. 

We often face many challenges in our everyday work and life – from a colleague missing a critical deadline for the proposal due tomorrow to losing a job or the big promotion. Bouncing back from the weight of disappointment, sadness, fear or loss is demonstrating resilience.  Resilience is a critical trait for leadership and our own wellbeing. 

If you have seen the new movie Gravity with Sandra Bullock as astronaut, Dr. Ryan Stone, you have seen how one’s ability to bounce back can grow with practice.  Now no one should have to face the number of obstacles that Ryan faced in 24 hours! Losing her colleagues, space shuttle, space station, and communication back to earth, were just a few of the disasters that challenged her physical, intellectual and emotional capacity.  

Without giving away the plot twists or ending, Ryan gets some mentoring from fellow astronaut, played by George Clooney, when she is about to give up all hope.

What can we learn from Gravity about how mentoring can help others develop resilience? 

Make sure to acknowledge the pain, frustration or loss by showing empathy.  It’s okay to have those emotions and empathy helps us connect to and understand others.

Help your mentee shift the focus from the current state to the future.  What does the mentee want or need to have happen? What is most important to her? 

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to solve the problem for the mentee.  Help him create his own plan of action and the first step that he is willing to take.  Showing faith in the mentee’s capabilities can help him bounce back with more courage.

Millennials, those people between the ages of 13 and 33, seem to get lumped together with some misleading and often negative labels, especially when it comes to the workplace.  They are often seen as a generation of entitlement and narcissism.

As a parent, co-worker, and mentor to Millennials, I think it is time to clear up some misconceptions.  After all, by 2020 over 50% of the workforce will be made up of Millennials! Millennials happen to be the most educated, tolerant, technology-oriented and global-minded generation; yet, they also are the most under-employed and in debt generation. 

So what are some of the ramifications of mentoring a Millennial?  Here are five things to consider:

Be a co-conspirator. Millennials don’t respond well to authority figures, but want someone who will co-create and partner with them.

Help them explore what gives them meaning and purpose in their life; purpose is a strong value for most Millennials, but many haven’t figured out what that purpose is, yet.

Encourage Millennials to consider how they can contribute in their current role or situation; and how it will support their growth and take them closer to their true calling.

Understand that a vast majority of Millennials are willing to work hard, especially if it is something they consider important.  Helping them see the value of their contributions can improve job satisfaction and engagement.

Be real.  Millennials value authenticity. Don’t be surprised to learn that most do not see a difference between who they are at work and at play.

When it comes to mentoring also consider this -- 75% of Millennials want a mentor! But also be aware that 65% indicated that they should be mentoring older co-workers on technology issues and getting things done more efficiently.  If you do have a mentoring relationship with a Millennial, what a great opportunity to take advantage of some reverse mentoring!

Resource note:  If you want to learn more, listen to this interview with Anne Hubert, Sr VP at Viacom’s Scratch, where she shares insights on what makes Millennials tick. “Visionary Leader, Extraordinary Life” radio program with Nebo’s Kate Ebner.

Being out in nature or even in a new locale often opens one’s senses to the surroundings, allowing one to be more mindful and notice new things.  Have you ever tried mentoring on a walk?  

In my coaching practice, I have used nature walks as a means to carry on a conversation in a relaxed, yet purposeful manner.  I have found that people are often more open and reflective on a walk.  And being outdoors in a new setting often shakes things up, changes perspective, and sparks new ideas and possibilities. 

Steve Jobs was well known for taking long walks around Palo Alto and exploring ideas with his walking companions.  Mark Zuckerberg, another walker, often takes prospective key hires on walks to interview them and sell them on coming to Facebook. 

Walking in a park or along a body of water is ideal, but even a walk around a few city blocks can be an effective change from your normal mentoring environment.  Just moving your mentoring conversation outdoors, maybe to a coffee shop patio or sidewalk cafe, is a good start and a break in routine. 

What if you mentor by Skype or phone?  Sit outside, if possible, and encourage your mentee to do likewise.  Can’t get outside? Keep an inspiring nature photo framed or as your screensaver. 

Last year I wrote about J.J., a bulldog puppy and the newest mascot for the Georgetown Hoyas.  J.J. was being mentored by Jack, the aging mascot.  Well, J.J. didn’t work out.  It seems that J.J. wanted to do things his own way and wasn’t too fond of the Hoyas youngest fans.  Now Jack is back and no longer mentoring J.J. 

  How do you know when it is time to wrap up your mentoring relationship?  In some cases, mentoring relationships last a lifetime.  In others, a specific timeframe is set right upfront (i.e., in many formal mentoring programs). But for mentors who don’t have that structure, there usually comes a time when you begin to wonder if you are still adding value and should continue the relationship. 

Here are a few indicators that it might be wise for you and your mentee to move on – be it to a different type of relationship or parting ways.

All talk, no action – you see the mentee unwilling to change behaviors that are not working for him, despite numerous conversations and efforts to help him establish new practices or behaviors.   

Beyond your scope – sometimes a mentee just needs a different type of support; someone with expertise in a specialized area or even someone with a different set of lenses.

Reciprocity is missing – you don’t feel like you are getting anything in return anymore – learning new things, enhancing your own leadership skills, giving back, etc. Both parties should benefit from the mentoring relationship.

It’s no longer fun – let’s face it, mentoring should be enjoyable and meaningful for you, the mentor.  For whatever reason, if your heart is not in it, then move on.

Goals have been met – the purpose for the mentoring has been achieved and there is no longer a real need for continued mentoring.  Woohoo!

Shouldn’t you offer a sympathetic ear when you find out that your mentee just got laid off?  Had a major setback on a key project? Got passed over for the big promotion? Had some other failure, disappointment, setback or loss?

You will be more effective in the mentoring role if you avoid acting out of sympathy and feeling sorry for the mentee. When we feel sorry for someone, we impart a certain distance emotionally between ourselves and the other person.  We can appear not to really understand the significance of the situation or to be more concerned about offering solutions and solving the problem, than caring about the person. 

Instead of sympathy, use empathy.  We all want to be seen, heard and understood by those around us.  In any relationship, connection is made when we feel like the other person really “gets us”.  Empathy means recognizing the thoughts and feelings of another and then connecting to those same feelings in ourselves, in way that helps us relate to the other person in a meaningful way. 

Here’s an illustration of the difference. Your mentee shares the news that his request for funding just got turned down. 

Sympathy: “Gee, I am sorry about that.  What happened?”

Empathy: “I understand how disappointed and frustrated you must be after all the time and energy you put into that request. What happened?”

Showing empathy can be hard.  We have to acknowledge not only the feelings of others, but our own feelings.  But being empathetic is key to making connection with others -- a vital leadership capacity that mentors can role model for others.