I’m Tired of Pretending...
I found out my sister is pregnant and I cant handle this. I can’t handle my feelings. I feel so fucked up. I’m pretending everything is fine because no one close to me is having babies, but now that someone is... I’m pretending I’m fine. I know I’m clearly not. I just... I want to be a mom so desperately. I want to have my own little mix of my husband and I... But I know it will never happen. My body is a hostile environment to a fetus. It hurts so bad. I’ve been trying to have a baby for almost 4 years now... I’ve kinda given up. It just sucks and I don’t know how to deal. I want to be happy for her, but I can’t. I was told and I didnt even say congrats... I sat there emotionless... I had a panic attack in the car on the way home. I hate this feeling. I just want to end it all but I can’t... I mean... I love my husband so much but these feelings are starting to over take me. I’m trying to make myself numb so that way everyone is happy... except me. Like always. Its my life story. Literally my husband and my dogs are the best things in my life... But sometimes its just unbearable. Especially when everyone asks me “are you ok?” And i have to lie and say I am okay. I know they all know. I bet they even talked about it behind my back. How I would react. I was one of the LAST people to know. :( I dont know how much longer I can take this. She already took our friend. SHe barely been with the guy for about .... 8 months? and now they are having a family, while I’m stuck in a place I hate, barren and infertile. Even my dumbass sister has 3 kids that she doesnt take care of, and I can’t even have one. I can’t even adopt because of our situation. On top of being disabled... I just hate this. I hate this...
