mentallymiscellaneous

I’m 32, german, they/them, queer.

This is sort of my diary if I ever feel like I need one. I try to keep the really dark stuff unwritten though. My main issue currently is dealing with (C)PTSD from having a dsyfunctional family and from csa.

I am an adult talking about adult things. Reblogging is fine for anyone that relates unless I specify otherwise. Please only comment/reply and send asks if you're also an adult.

I have a history of anxiety, panic attacks, chronic dissociation /dpdr, depression, suicidal ideation/attempting, self harm. I had a "second inner voice/person" or maybe persecutor alter in my mid to late teen years.

I just finished nearly four years of therapy, where's my tumblr badge for that?

I can't remember the last time I had a nightmareTM

I have normal dreams now! (strange)

I did a two day solo trip with a hotel stay and everything!

I reached out to my cousin again, after 10 years of no contact

I'm planning my first trip to see my parents in 5+ years (I decided all of the terms, conditions and boundaries, and they agreed)

I'm noticing I'm more flexible and creative with what clothes I like to wear, even more "feminine things" (feminine to me)

I started going to a sa/csa self help group and it's been good

The group has been helping me to focus less on the past and more on the present (since we don't talk about the details of the abuse)

Food has become a more relaxed thing, I'm hungry less, I am satiated more easily, I have lower tendencies to binge

I got into baking and cooking more, trying new recipes

Brushing my teeth in the evening is an everyday routine now

I get sick less often! I get normal colds now, that go away on their own with some time!

I don't have tumblr on my phone anymore, and deleted instagram altogether. I'm trying to spend more time with "real stuff" that doesn't eat my time and makes me feel like I'm actually living my life, and now I got more energy to do so

I found a new hobby! (a hardcore special interest in the beginning, let's be fair) I do jigsaw puzzles now! (not to spIn levels anymore, but regardless)

I got back into reading. And not just the occasional nonfiction, but proper fiction. I read several books this year already! It feels soo good, and makes me feel connected to younger me who read all the time

I repotted all my succulents and cacti this year, for the first time

I spiraled into a crisis and drew the right boundaries to keep myself from crashing, even though it was hard

I got back into the habit of regularly going to the movies with my best friend again

I am much better at setting boundaries, and already had to do exactly that with my sister, my mother, and a good friend (it was hard but it worked)

Very rarely but still, I get a day of not thinking of my traumas, and I just live?!

I got a little tidier! I used to be so tidy! I get the itch to tidy/clean more often now, and I enjoy nicer surroundings more again, so I feel a little more motivated to keep it that way (I won't ever reach old levels again I think but that's okay, that wasn't healthy and it was for the wrong reasons)

I got new bedsheets for the first time in 10 years. I had 3 pairs of the same one, and I finally felt like trying something new and deserving it and I am so happy about it

I figured out 99% of my chronic back pain is trauma related, and I'm working on reducing it. My posture got much better, it's more easy to be actually upright, or lay down actually stretched out. Doing some trauma sensitive yoga really has had an effect on me, realizing I can actually physically "carry myself", and that my back is strong enough to hold me and not break from my mental weight. It might seem silly, but that really did something.