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one great thing about being sa'ed as a kid? You've always got these weird reactions to doctors touching you, and now that you're older and you know what happened and you need to do certain exams, you just can't. If you do, you'll have a fucking panic attack and probably pass out because the thought of another human being touching you makes you so fucking sick you want to die.
isn't that just perfect y'all /s
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i've been to this sa self help group twice
it's a whirlwind between "i am healed compared to you all" and "i seem to be the most broken one here"
but it makes me feels less isolated
I hate him
the first sexual interaction i remember was on vampirefreaks when i was younger than technically allowed and this german dude (adult) messaged me and we started ‘talking’ and i ended up being like i lied im not 13 im 12 im sooo sorry and he was like oh no idk if im ok with that because thats soooo different and he was like i gotta punish you and i was like you should make me cut myself and he was like what the fuck no don’t do that and i just think the fact that i was too extreme even in that situation is extremely funny to me
anyway i ‘broke up’ with him because i realized he was talking to other children which i considered cheating and now im violently polyamorous and that’s even funnier imo
also the realization that you as a victim are (in general) not special to your abuser is one of the most crushing things i have experienced and it’s happened multiple times and it feels like that’s the only thing i can offer sometimes which on the one hand feels bad but on the other hand i would be so good at a tetrad core type job it would not traumatize me and i could contribute so much so basically to the mk ultra agent assigned to me i would love a job interview
you ever get CSAd by someone who has a bowtie tattoo instead of a personality and then years later you realize you are angel dust hazbin hotel and now everything you draw and watch has bowties and canonically you do too and you’re like. well.
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He doesn't even remember me.
He assaulted me.
He humiliated me.
He traumatized me.
He ruined my fucking life.
And he doesn't even remember me.
My inner child just wants love.
She just wants to be happy and make other people happy.
She doesn't understand not to trust people.
She does as she's told because she wants to be good.
You knew that...
You fucking knew that she would do anything you told her to...
And you fucking raped her.
TW- s/a
The worst part about when I got assaulted was that he was drunk. He won't remember it. He gets to forget that it ever happened while I have to remember it for the rest of my life. He will never know about the terrible thing that he did while I'm forming new alters every 2 seconds because I can't handle this shit.
- Avril
