Blossoming Eunoia

This year has definitely not panned out how I wanted it to. This was supposed to be my year of change; to finally break that metaphorical brick wall that has been blocking me for the past couple years. It’s disappointing but not a lost cause.

My mental health has been wavering in the past couple of months. My down days have been piling up more frequently. Despair is brewing just beneath the surface, but I’m okay. I know I will be okay. I remember seeing something online, though I can’t remember where. Anyway, it described a mind with depression and anxiety to be akin to a filing cabinet that had just been attacked by a tornado. Your papers and files are still there. The drawers are still there, but the room is a fucking mess. Obviously the tornado isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t really have to clean up the mess since the cause of it was out of your control, but you can’t just leave a bunch of papers everywhere, right? Good lord, the thought of cleaning up seems so daunting that you don’t even know where to begin. (For some odd reason I found this analogy very amusing.) Well, take it one paper, one file folder, one cabinet at a time. Start small. Organize in a way that doesn’t overwhelm you. Yes, the entire room is overwhelming, but one paper is a lot more manageable than a whole bunch of papers.

I think you get the idea.

Nevertheless, I can’t say I completely agree that this is how depression is for everyone since everyone is just so different, but I found appreciation in this little scenario. I took it to heart, meditated on it for a day and asked my partner for his opinion before putting it into practice.

My first paper was cleaning my room. It’s been dirty for months, but now that it’s finally clean, I just generally feel...better. Not necessarily good but absolutely better than before. I folded and hung up my laundry, wiped off the dust from my dresser and table, purchased a new whiteboard for my organization and tossed some old things that I didn’t need/want anymore.

It was nice.

I’m sure I’m going to get paper cuts along the way, but as long as I keep putting papers away, it’ll eventually improve. I’ll eventually improve.

I broke a few links, but the chain still remains.

There’s a few friends I’ve made within a D&D campaign, and it’s honestly been a very good healing balm in my quest for healthy friendships. However, like a lot of online friendships, I’m afraid to take the initiative to want to strengthen the relationships. I worry about coming across as too clingy, too annoying, and too “much.” Everyone is amazing and I don’t want to ruin what I have with them.

But sometimes I see the tiredness on their faces. I know about their down days and I want to comfort them, but I don’t want to disrespect their privacy. And I know the best way to solve this problem is to simply tell them how I feel...but fear is a strong chain.

So, COVID-19. Pretty scary stuff to put it lightly. I live in the U.S. and while it isn’t exactly severe where I live at the moment, I’m starting to understand how Damocles felt. Yes, there’s a global pandemic going on. Yes, I or my family could get the disease at any time. Yes, I am way too close at the possibility of being homeless, but I gotta pay bills. I still have responsibilities and I still gotta figure out what I’m going to do with my life.

2020 started off real well, guys.

But I’m washing my hands and practicing (I’ve had a lot of practice beforehand, don’t worry) social distancing, so I should be alright. Still annoyed that it’s harder to find toilet paper than it is beating the Valkyries in God of War. Never would I have thought I’d live to see a grocery store’s shelves empty. It’s a good reminder for us not to take these things for granted. Now I really don’t know what the future holds. It’s almost 6 AM, I have a job interview, my D&D session is this evening, and it’s my turn to do the dishes.

Is kindness really that hard to come by? Is it that difficult to treat someone with basic human decency? Even if your life is filled with sorrow and hardship, it doesn’t give you a free pass to be an absolute asshole. You don’t know what others are going through. You don’t know what they’ve already been through. How could you possibly be so cold and callous to another person when they’ve literally done nothing to wrong you?

I just don’t understand.

I was dropped from ROTC today due to not being able to meet the fitness requirements. I’m not overly upset about it because I was aware beforehand, but the notion of failing something is what triggered my down day. I was going back and forth between sticking it out and dropping from the program on my own as it is, so now I feel slightly more relieved that such a decision is now out of my hands. Now that I think about it, the specific source of my distress bar failing is also due to my pride. Fitness and health is absolutely important no matter what your lifestyle is, but to think that being off by a couple of points on something that I was noticeably improving on was the deciding factor took a hit to my pride.

Was it fair? Of course. Rules and regulations were blatant from day one. I knew what I needed to do, albeit during a rather short period of time between orientation and the midterm PFA (physical fitness assessment). And considering I was having doubts regardless of such, I think the drop out was for the best.

But now I’m back at square one.

Up to this day I have never known what I wanted to do in terms of a career. I’ve bounced back and forth between so many options, but nothing seemed to stick. I don’t have any passions, I don’t have any useful skills that could be utilized to make an income, and I wasn’t born wealthy. I’ve been working dead end jobs since I was 15. Yes, it taught me a great deal about responsibility, the workforce, and just general life experience, but it’s not enough. My peers tell me that it’s quite normal not to know what to do with my life at the moment. My partner reassures me that just because I may not know it now, doesn’t mean I will never find something. My mom believes that I’m just being lazy and picky.

Maybe it’s true? Whether it’s self-preservation or fact, I disagreed with her. But I do my best to keep an open mind and be aware of my behavior because she understands things more efficiently due to her age and subsequent greater life experience. I know there are things that I need to work on with myself and even though some days are rough, I’m still trying. Actively or passively, it doesn’t matter. Sadly, I don’t think she sees it that way. Whenever I try to explain my thoughts and feelings, it sounds like excuses to her. Or even worse, I’m simply being “too sensitive.”

I know Mom means well and she just wants me to be able to take care of myself, but a lot of her comments and actions are somewhat toxic. She has stresses of her own, I understand. I’m an adult now and it’s not her obligation to keep holding my hand, so to speak. But I always have an underlying feeling that she’s disappointed in me. Like I’m squandering away my natural talent and intelligence. She makes comments and compares me to other people close to my age and wonders why I’m not ahead in life. Instead of encouraging me when I metaphorically stumble, I get belittlement. When I do accomplish something noteworthy, praise is minimal since it’s “something that I should have already been doing.”

Like I said, there are things and habits I need to improve on, but change doesn’t happen overnight.

In regards to ROTC, she adamantly suggested I enlist as an alternative route. Mom reiterated all the benefits the military has to offer and says that it would be my best option since I’m lost when it comes to pursuing a career. I told her that I no longer had an interest in pursuing anything military-related and that I would simply work full-time and go back to attending my regular classes. She got peeved(?) and (once again) stated that college isn’t the “be all, end all” of making something of myself.

All of this I have knowledge on.

It’s frustrating to know that even though her intentions are pure, she lacks a certain regard to my feelings. And it’s worse when my depression and anxiety are involved due to her viewing such things as me being weak-minded. Mom’s not perfect and neither am I.

I guess at the end of the day, everything circles back around to me letting myself down. Every time I think I’m moving forward, something always blocks the way and discourages me. Days like these make giving up oh-so-appealing. Am I doomed to fail before I technically even begin? Is all of this for nothing if I don’t end up somewhat successful? So many negative thoughts crowd my mind. The only thing I can do is keep trying.

So recently, as in an hour ago, it dawned on me that I wanted to learn how to speak Norwegian. I have absolutely zero knowledge on the language, culture, and just Norway in general, but for some reason it just popped in my head without preamble.

It’s a bit strange because I’m not really a spontaneous/impulsive person. I downloaded Duolingo anyway though.

Running through the first lesson left me feeling...accomplished. I actually enjoyed myself, and it made me realize how I missed learning about new things. It’s scary to know that my fear of failure has gone so far that I actually forgot how good it was to learn.

Nevertheless, I do see myself following through with this somewhat long-term which is great. I don’t want to say it’s “easier” than learning Japanese because learning any kind of new language is difficult, but since Norwegian and English come from similar language roots, it was easier to read compared to hiragana & katakana.

I am a being of contradiction, complexity, and imperfection. I am always evolving. Even when I feel stagnant, I’m still not the same person I was yesterday and I won’t be the same person ten years from now. I’m confident to say that many experience similar notions and generalizations, but I speak for myself.

I am diligent, yet lazy. I am mature, yet naive. I am friendly, yet withdrawn. I am positive, yet depressed. I am assured, yet insecure. I am so many different things that summarizing who I am in just a few words would be impossible.

I find beauty in this forsaken world.

The smiles of children. The sunshine. The sweet taste of freshly-baked cookies. The adrenaline of trying something new. The nostalgia of visiting something familiar. Travel. People. Imagination. The vast unknown of space. Glittering jewels. Soft blankets. Colors. Love. Life itself.

There is a sort of liberation, a building energy just waiting to come forth. I can do anything. I can be anyone. I am powerful; a goddess within a mortal vessel. I will bellow out such strong emotion that my core will burst into a supernova of overwhelming effervescence.

The feeling passes. 

I remember I am simply a college student, in between jobs, sick with the flu, and wondering what I will do with my future.