Falling

One thing that a lot of people with ed's have in common is something they abuse to make them feel good to avoid something. 

It sounds complicated but its like calling all of your friends because you have homework. 

My substances are definitely food, exercise, and relationships. 

Trying to deal with the actual issue hidden under your 70 walls of self defense mechanisms and bullshit is hard. but I'm working on it. And I thought I could help some of you that are having a hard time alone

A lot of introspection goes into trying to recover from an eating disorder like you're own counselor you keep asking "why". "why did this start" "why can't I stop" and I was thinking of when I was really young and it started. I'm 19 and my ED (its still weird to call it a name) started when I was 13/14? Middle school is already a weird time. I was depressed, I was the oldest child, my dad was gone, my "mother" was emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive. I wanted attention. And not in a "look at me haha" way, in a "would anyone notice if I was dying" way. I don't remember where I heard it but I heard about girls throwing up after they ate. That same day after lunch I slipped out after eating and threw up after everyone left and felt good. Lighter. The next day I did the same thing: went to school, ate lunch, threw up said lunch, and went back to class. Eventually one of my friends caught on and as I was purging I heard my friend come in and call for me asking if I was alright. I wasn't. but I lied. I continued to do it. maybe a week later a whole group of my friends knocked down a stall door trying to see if I was okay, but I had just flushed and they got me to promise that i'd stop. And I did for a little while.

Right now I'm living with a good friend of mine at her parents' house and its hard. Not that her parents are mean or anything but I've always been very independent and I HATE feeling like I owe people. But when I try to do chores around the house or pay them to help out a bit they refuse. I know that the are just being really nice but it puts this pressure on me. I'm trying my hardest to find work, I fill out 2-3 job application like every other day but its becoming obvious that I probably won't get a job for a While which is killing me. 

And While I left home to get away from my 'mother' because she is utterly horrendous-my dad is trying to help me out right now but I think he wants me to go home. And feeling so useless its easy to think-fine I'll just go home and try harder there. But I can't put myself through living with that woman again. I just can't. 

Right now I just want to live Somewhere! Supporting myself. Going back to school. I feel like a bum and I'm only 19. 

I have a lot of problems that are my life, but they're problems that a lot of people might go through and so I've decided to share them. I'm a recovering bulimic (No I don't condone any type of eating disorders. eating disorders come at a cost.), my mother is emotionally abusive (shes a compulsive liar) and when I was younger physically abusive, I've moved away from home finally (like 5-6 days ago) but have little to no money etc.

Sometimes there are things that I want to write out but my writings have no where to go. I love to write and I would love to share my feelings with people but its hard not to feel like you're just complaining. I also can't stand my friends feeling sorry for me anymore than they do. 

In all of this I still want to try to work on my disordered eating while trying to live and get a job.