i’m so glad earth only has one moon, if there were more i’d have to pick a favorite and that sounds too emotionally taxing to even fathom

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@memesngiggles
i’m so glad earth only has one moon, if there were more i’d have to pick a favorite and that sounds too emotionally taxing to even fathom

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sorry for suddenly stopping talking to you yeah lol i had a curse laid upon my mind and it convinced me that you hated me. no sorry i activated it due to my own folly. yeah i miss you a lot but you do hate me now
i think we have abandonment issues
I'm about to wii sports resort to violence
I'm about to have a wii fit
jack of no trades. master of fuck all
people who only use conventional social media are so funny bc they’ll casually be like “can I see your tumblr??” are you Insane. this is no instagram or twitter. this is my vault of secrets

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so i took out the trash today like the good house husband i am not, leaving behind the rank smell of long forgotten noodles and the regrets of two people with memory issues
i, like any good tumblr citizen, remember the tales of the person who put two cups of vanilla extract in their oven so i did the sensible thing to get out two Caps of extract
just then, inspiration struck. a bolt of lightning straight from the muses themselves, if i could use vanilla extract.... who's to say i couldn't use other extracts?
i scoured the cabinets, i knew my partner had secreted away some illicit non-vanilla type extracts for baking, and i found it.
hidden in the back of the cabinet was a lone bottle of mint extract
i emptied my two caps with abandon into an (oven safe) glass dish and gleefully set the oven for 300 for an hour
all that was left now was to wait for the sins of the mind to be purged by the mighty mint leaf
ten minutes in... starting to smell kinda like a thin mint
fifteen minutes in, i take a nice deep breath of lovely scented air and i am greeted by searing burning minty pain
i launch myself towards the kitchen, every step closer to mint hell, every orifice on my face burning with the freezing righteous flame of menthol
im fumbling for the oven mitt to rid my home of this foul demon, i pry the oven open and am hit with a blast unlike anything else
i feel what that vine kid taking shots of mouthwash feels, i was seared raw, my tits were blown clean off, and it was just me and that devilish beguiling minty fresh taste
quickly dumping the rest into the sink i ran towards the door, begging for the sweet sweet smell of un-minted air
learning nothing from this encounter, i dare to try once more, with the tumblr-approved extract this time
wish me luck
update: the vanilla has finished cooking, it now very much smells like the pillsberry doughboy fucked a thin mint
doesn't hurt tho so.... improvement?
#congrats on commiting chemical warfare against yourself
Needs the last part
@heatandapathy you forgot the best part
you are never living this down
godawful post i made when i was 14. let me escape it please god
youre telling me a ham fisted this metaphor??
horrible news: you have to practice to level up your skills because it's unrealistic to think you'll be good at everything first try
this applies to unlearning things like shame and creating better coping mechanisms and forming new habits

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I love going viral on tumblr.com. It’s like if you stood in a field and said some of the stupidest shit a human being is capable of and then like fifty thousand crows attacked you
Don’t do this to me
my brother in christ you made the post
every time I fumble w my phone’s charger cable I think about emailing steven moffat a pipe bomb
i already have a job and it's called keeping myself alive. why do i have to be employed on top of that
Me: [experiences minor inconvenience]
Suicidal Ideation Man who Lives in my Brain: hey I have an idea-
they should invent a brain that doesn’t whisper bad things to you

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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im jesus
judas no
this is the funniest fuckin post on this website
@hellsite-hall-of-fame
the idealized version of my tomorrow self will fix this
not again