It's all about bleeding your pain through poetry.

I remember how i felt the day i learned about ideas of women empowerment, truly inspired as a young naive girl. I have known and i believe all women somewhere in between learn how the world works and how women are treated but as a rebellious teenager i denied to believe all the utter nonsense about women being mere objects of desire, violence and love.

Today as a 21 year old neither do i have that faith or the confidence or the courage to say i am an empowered woman, i feel like those millions of other women who feel miserable for just being a woman.

How do i explain this feeling, that when a man hits me it hurts me not just physically but it hurts the essence of my femininity

When he screams at me there’s this whole lump in my heart that scares me that oh any moment he might hit me.

When he abuses , his words pierce through me and i wanna go back to where i come from because i feel as bad as a 5 year old.

Worst comes when i cannot hold back the pain, the rage and the tears but i know i lost that right a long back, if i show my emotions the hurt will be miserable.

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I always always blamed myself for every fight , every misunderstanding, every failure i have suffered in life but i pledge to stop not because all of a sudden i have become a better person but because i have been humbled enough by one year almost 365 days of emotional and physical abuse, i know it might seem exaggerated because when I used to come across such posts i used to feel same, i used to question women for tolerating and not standing up, but as someone whose seen all dimensions (one can possibly see at the age of 21) i understand the plight of women and misery of a woman’s heart.

There have been times i want to scream and runaway from everything but there were times when i had hope , that all humans who love each other are capable of changing but i feel that’s not possible at times and i don’t need to suffer all my life, maybe maybe maybe maybe i will find the courage to not just say “choose yourself” but actually choose myself and gather myself, hold onto my heart and walk away with hope and love in my heart for my body, my heart and my life.

I went through things I never thought i will and there was only one question in my heart for a long while “Why do i deserve this god, why did god make this world so much cruel towards women, why are men so bitter?”

And now after almost 12 months of being abused i have only one thought Everytime I’m hurt “maybe i deserve this, maybe it’s karma” and it has made me so numb, it’s like what more will a man put me through, you think begging and crying my eyes out to ask someone to stop and show respect works? No it doesn’t matter what you do or say, once you start letting it go it just doesn’t even hurt anymore it only numbs you. And i really feel my own self isn’t mine anymore, it doesn’t want to belong to me because i let my heart suffer and i betrayed myself.

The Forty rules of love

And you know when I am again and again told I’m pathetic, useless and abused by that one person my heart,mind and body fails to resist i give in , i give in with all the pain and agony, leaving behind every thing that hurts and letting go of the abuse and pain. But you know what i have completely forgotten and failed myself in middle of this.

But i couldn’t stop crying about leaving my beautiful small town behind, my small life full of bittersweet memories. And my dad came all the way to leave me and it was like he was holding my hand all the way the way our parents did for school , but he had to leave me there and i couldn’t stop crying because of the fear of will i be okay?

And my answer to will i be okay, isn’t there till today. All i know is it’s not okay, it’s hard and heartbreaking - the way the world treats me. I wish i had the comfort of knowing i will go back home the way we did in school, no matter how hard the day goes you always had home to go back to. Meanwhile, world breaks my heart all i can be reminded of how my dad said , he will keep coming to visit me , nothing will happen to me .

Felt real hard, no excitement, no looking forward to it but a normal day where i wanted to feel my heart big, like you remember how it felt as a child your heart gets bigger and bigger.

But i feel you don’t feel same anymore with every passing age your heart gets smaller and smaller. You really want to get back every moment,every inch of young you but it’s just how it works.

I didn’t feel special when i turned 21 I felt alone, like please don’t i don’t want to go into a world and be on my own, please hold me because my heart is just getting smaller and smaller.

Maybe being at home would have helped me, where my family would have celebrated me,maybe that would make me feel less alone. But once you hit a certain age, certain times, you are on your own and you have to learn being on your own.

As a 7 year old i was told how i look is problem and today as a 20 year old i am told how i feel as a woman is a problem.

But before everything, society has shown over and over again how it fails to treat women right , and women have shown their silences time and again, who do you blame ? where do you go when all your life you’ve been a proud ,outspoken, honest girl but the moment your womanhood hits you realise it’s never going to end, the struggle, the fight for just being a woman, strongest of strongest women are scummed by reality.