ineffable

... and they are -- she is -- dirty. Her whole body is covered in fluids and soots and oils -- the beautiful viscera of her profession -- and her knuckles are littered with a light dusting of scars from machines and people who struggle with the divide between metal and flesh, but it is because of this, not in spite of it, that my lips long for her fingers.

For hers are the hands of a journeyman mechanic, but a master dyke, strong, calloused, and despite having had them inside me on a semi-regular basis, the only time I've ever felt her nails was when she slipped them into the seams of my armor plating to pry open my frame for maintainance.

She knows me in ways that would make poets seethe, having held me both inside and out, and one of these days I'll find a way to make her understand that I am simply not capable of finding her in a state -- that no such state exists -- where the first thing I think upon booting isn't just how badly I long for her touch.

When you see a woman you love, or a woman you've fucked with some regularity, maybe a friend you've longed over for ages -- or just even one that you saw at the bar and brought home for a rollick -- what living, breathing being struggling on this dying planet, could see herself dripping from the fingers of such a beautiful woman and think:

"No, they're dirty. I simply cannot kiss them."

I may not be flesh, but I will spend as pathetically, desperately little time here -- perhaps longer than her, but -- nothing in the grand schema of the universal matrix, and I will lick, I will suck, I will take into my throat the beauty of this world, and by every rule and every god, I will kiss her fingers clean if I have to,

I have found that many people who have not had a trans female or trans feminine experience often have trouble wrapping their brains around the concept of trans-misogyny, so I will offer the following two anecdotes to help illustrate what I mean by the term. Once, about two years ago, I was walking down the street in San Francisco, and a trans woman happened to be walking just ahead of me. She was dressed femininely, but not any more feminine than a typical cis woman. Two people, a man and a woman, were sitting on a doorstep, and as the trans woman walked by, the man turned to the woman he was sitting next to and said, “Look at all the shit he’s wearing,” and the woman he was with nodded in agreement. Now presumably the word “shit” was a reference to femininity — specifically, the feminine clothing and cosmetics the trans woman wore. I found this particular comment to be quite telling. After all, while cis women often receive harassing comments from strange men on the street, it is rather rare for those men to address those remarks to a female acquaintance and for her to apparently approve of his remarks. Furthermore, if this same man were to have harassed a cis woman, it is unlikely that he would do so by referring to her feminine clothing and makeup as “shit.” Similarly, someone who is on the trans masculine spectrum could potentially be harassed, but it is unlikely that his masculine clothing would be referred to as “shit.” Thus, trans-misogyny is both informed by, yet distinct from, transphobia and misogyny, in that it specifically targets transgender expressions of femaleness and femininity.

The second example of trans-misogyny that I’d like to share occurred at an Association for Women in Psychology conference I attended in 2007 (for those unfamiliar with that organization, it is essentially a feminist psychology conference). One psychologist gave a presentation on the ways in which feminism has informed her approach to therapy. During the course of her talk, she discussed two transgender clients of hers, one on the trans male/masculine spectrum, the other on the trans female/feminine spectrum. Their stories were very similar in that both had begun the process of physically transitioning but were having second thoughts about it. First, the therapist discussed the trans masculine spectrum person, whose gender presentation she described simply as being “very butch.” She discussed this individual’s transgender expressions and issues in a respectful and serious manner, and the audience listened attentively. However, when she turned her attention to the trans feminine client, she went into a very graphic and animated description of the trans person’s appearance, detailing how the trans woman’s hair was styled, the type of outfit and shoes she was wearing, the way her makeup was done, and so on. This description elicited a significant amount of giggling from the audience, which I found to be particularly disturbing given the fact that this was an explicitly feminist conference. Clearly, if a male psychologist gave a talk at this meeting in which he went into such explicit detail regarding what one of his cis female clients was wearing, most of these same audience members, as well as the presenter, would surely (and rightfully) be appalled and would view such remarks to be blatantly objectifying. In fact, in both of these incidents I have described, comments that would typically be considered extraordinarily misogynistic if they were directed at cis women are not considered beyond the pale when directed at trans women.

Guys I just finished watching this movie and I'm obsessing over these two. Love their dynamic. It's almost sweet