#numbness

I need something anything to make me feel again, I am slipping into numbness, no human experience moves me and I go round and round the deadlines like I am waiting to pass away but I am not feeling morbid, I am not feeling like dying, I am in a place-stuck and stopped, stagnant and worn out of the life that does not let go of monotony in any way shape or form, I have constant thoughts of work that keep me from clocking out, my heart is just stringed to validation from someone who can clip all my wings with one call. There is power and love on a wager and I am tipping towards the side that numbs my human emotions....I have always only cared about love but now, I cannot feel any emotion...make me feel—oh good lord, a piece of art, poetry, writing, song, story, recipe—just anything to make my heart beat again in a rhythmic way that churns up some emotions. At this point I would feel pain, remorse, regret, embarrassed or anything like that just to feel. But truly what I want to feel is excited, elated, amused and curious. I want confidence to surge up in my bones and my heart to squeeze out all its love into some subject that I look up to. I want to call friends and talk for hours, I want to make up and be well. I don't want to doubt anything and everything. I want to put my words out without being afraid of how they are sounding.

it makes sense that after abuse/trauma and psychosis that made me think everyone was trying to hurt me all the time (delusions of persecution), that my heart is closed off, a bit dead, and numb. In time, I have hope that it will be alive and open again

I feel so numb and empty sometimes