note: this post will be written totally in english. the first time i don’t want to write anything in vietnamese. and the longest post in this blog.
four recent days is a greatly hurtful period for me to have undergone. he left the world, left his group, left his family and relatives, left his fans at the age of a still young fine man, twenty-seven. he left all of us too surprisingly. until now, if you asked me to express my feelings of recent days in words, i would let myself be speechless. really, i didn’t know, i don’t know and i will never know what to interpret fully this hurt, and empty feeling. i also don’t know to call his method of finishing his life selfish or trying to escape from hardships.
i still remember my first impression with him. that day was in the period of time when i had to revise for my semester exam in grade five or may 2011. i listened to ring ding dong for the first time, and after listening that, i did not do well in my test the day after. my head that time was full of his first line ‘babe’ in ring ding dong. and until now, when other shawols have sung ‘replay’ for the farewell to him, i have thought, if i came there, i would have sung ‘ring ding dong’ instead since it made a too deep impression on me.
he is the person leading me to shinee. he is the person i love much, though it can not be as great as kibum. he, together with his fellow members including kibum, makes me decide to join the ‘shawol’ fanclub. he, together with kibum, makes me ship them both platonically and romantically as real soulmates. then, finally he himself makes the most hurtful pain in my fangirl life.
many people understand shawols, but also there are others criticizing us for feeling sympathetic for a case of suicide. they even brought out the evidence of ‘dien bien phu-in-air victory’ in hanoi in 1973. i can never understand why they have to clarify their criticism so poorly like that for kpop fans because of paying sympathetic attention to their idols. that makes me realize, prejudice once appears, itself will hardly disappear as the time passes with more improvement in thinking.
i feel tired. i feel empty. but i can not cry. i still feel my love, my sadness to him, to his group, to my own ultimate one-true-pairing. from the time i heard that news until yesterday, i have paid fully three tributes to him, to my ultimate couple and to his group which was a part of my teenager age. but now, i still can not stop feeling the sorrow deep from my heart to this still shocking fact, especially after i finished reading the hand-written farewell letter with the cartier ring for the most recent birthday of kibum sending to him. he has really gone. everyone has had tears falling down. the moon surprisingly turned peaceful blue which is the official color of shinee this morning (in my country’s time zone.) to send the sadness and sympathy.
i have tried to tell my fellow co-workers or my dear sisters in hopemin’s world that i’m feeling okay, but whenever i see the update, i bitterly have to admit to them that, ‘this time is too hard for me. i still can not totally undergo.’ and i’m really thankful to them for understanding me and sharing this pain with me.
my younger sister is also the factor helping me overcome these recent sorrowful days. although her methods were not too positive or negative, just neutral, she has left for me a lot of questions. she said, ‘recently, since i knew that news, i have only listened to view and she is, my two favorite songs of shinee and him.’ she is the person making me realize i almost forgot to pay a tribute to shinee, and i did that immediately based on her music recommendation. she also said, ‘you still remember the time when i asked you for the lyrics of she is? it says ‘eyes of a vixen.’ you still think he try to indicate key? i still, my sister.’ she still remembers. she once again made me want to cry because of my ultimate one-true-pairing. she knew that couple helped me overcome the hard time when i broke up with my ex-lover for his being a homosexual, leaving a shock for me that day despite myself partly having already supported lgbt+ before and when i found out that my ex-crush is also gay. lastly, but most sorrowfully, she asked me a hard question, ‘sister, if the last album of jonghyun were released one day, would you buy it?’ i became silent. and she continued, ‘if i were you, i would buy it unconditionally.’ i just wanted to hug her tightly for that too hurtful fact.
my junior is the third one to express her sympathy to me. she always tried to encourage me. she said she felt touched when she saw my tribute to my ultimate couple and carefully read it until the last line. she said, i really had much love to him, to my couple, to his group. she said, you are often the strong person between us, but if this time is hard for me, she is ready to share the hardships with me. therefore, i have left too many thanks to my dear junior.
and the last one is my 11-year close friend. we are totally different in almost all aspects, but we have some things in common, which are that we both love him and ship our ultimate couple. we really had to overcome together, we really had to share the agony immediately whenever we saw each other. she said to me many memories about my fanfiction sharing, about her ever-lasting love to him. she told me to never forget this event, and to tell each other whenever one of us accidentally forget. and though i have experienced the same pain, at least i succeeded in becoming her support to overcome our loss.
i am still not totally fine until now. my fellow co-workers clearly see that and still feel sympathetic to me. i relentlessly come to my instagram chatbox with my junior, trying to express my pain of my ultimate couple to her, but i can’t. i did not see my close friend today. my younger sister told me not to say since she knew everything already. i still want to cry, especially when i saw the cartier ring on kibum’s index finger, but i can never do that unlike others.
these last farewell below are sorrowful. but i still have to say for myself to officially accept.
thank you, my beloved, for always working hard. thank you, my beloved, for becoming a nice memory of my good old days. i’m sorry but i can never speak too emotional words like other shawols. i don’t want to read those continuously on my facebook feed, because i am too scared of them. but dear my beloved, until now, no, until my far future days, my love for you, for my ultimate couple, for your greatest group of your life, will never easily be forgotten from the deepest corner of my heart.
now i’m sending this to my real bias in shinee, key or kim kibum. i understand that feeling, my dear kibum, you even proposed to live together forever after ten years of having no lovers six years ago. but now he has gone, your promise is forever unfinished, you had cried a lot for two days right after you came back to seoul. but you still tried to write your letter, to promise to him once again to become stronger. he will be happy for you, i promise. can we together to overcome, to become more stronger with the other in shinee, with shawol? will you promise that with us, kibummie? not only you, but sending this to jinki, minho and taemin too.
final words, i want to say that, never neglect or discount depression. it is a scary mental problem, i understand this fact thoroughly since i was almost the victim of being depressed two times. i have considered him as my motivation to overcome through his songs. but now since he passed away, even though i still wonder if his work betrayed my effort in the past, i have to admit that depression is not a thing for people to make fun. to ignore. they really need help. his death is a great lesson for all of us to be aware of this syndrome. i am lucky that i have realized that lesson. his death could only interrupt my way of learning positve thinking for a short time since you evidently know as the time goes, i still have to come back to my reality.
moreover, stop spreading untrue rumors related to him or other artists or depression. no one or nothing is the joke here for you. lastly, stop using fallacy to criticize kpop fans by any history event like 1973 ‘dien bien phu-in-air’ victory, dear ‘vietnamese history lovers.’ you are doing nothing working well. at least, i still remember that event from december 18th to 30th in 1972 in hanoi. and i believe there are many fans like me.
thank you, my beloved after all. though it needs time to recover, you make us realize too many things. you’ve always worked well and hard, dear my star, now enlightening the night sky with other ones. you will forever in our heart, specially your soulmate’s one, my beloved.
211217, listening continuously to ‘nếu’ (acoustic version) by my anh tran.
photo of the last moments in his funeral, kibum’s hand with the cartier ring he bought for kibum’s birthday on september 23rd.
