Recovering from Inner Chaos

The past few weeks has been a mess for me, and I'm a bit frustrated.

Two weeks ago, I was taken to a psychiatric emergency room because I was seen standing on the train tracks waiting for a train to come. I spent a few hours there, saw my therapist after, and my boyfriend simply asked "are you ok?" And that was the end of it.

Until I asked why he didn't seem to care. Eventually, it came out that he was simply avoiding dealing with it, because he didn't want to believe that could ever happen. I get it, I do, but it's hard to accept that your boyfriend is going to show little to no fear that it'll happen again, no care in the world that the person he supposedly loves was almost gone. He finished the project he was working on with his friends and picked me up from the hospital a few hours later.

I was frustrated.

Then, my Mom had a mental break down, ended up going to the hospital for a psych evaluation, decided that she's not "crazy enough" to be there and that, instead, it was just unhealthy that she was living with me. So she left.

She's been gone for a week now and probably won't be back for at least another week. I don't want her to come back, but I'm also a train wreck without her. I feel guilty and responsible. Since not living with me, she's really managed to pull it together. I feel like I'm the reason she was such a mess, like it was my fault that she was so miserable in the first place. I blame myself and I haven't wanted to be alone. I've been afraid of being in my house alone and I've been afraid of what I'll do home alone.

Then boyfriend decides that he's going to go caving for a day, upstate. He won't be able to talk to me while he's in there (obviously) and when I mentioned that it was bad timing and I wished I didn't have to be alone, he just said "sorry."

I wished he would at least have offered to stay home, or surprised me by showing up. Is it selfish of me to have wanted him here? The suicidal thoughts have been creeping in and he's not reachable for at least four more hours. I'm afraid of what I'll do in that time. I have work tonight, but I want to call in sick. I have a test on Monday but I haven't studied and I'm fairly sure I've given up trying. I've been crying all day, miserable and alone. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I'm depending on him too much... Yes, he's been here for me all week and I appreciate that...but what about when it's not convenient? What about when it comes to him sacrificing something he wants to do to be there for me? Generally, he falls through and I'm disappointed. I appreciate the times he is there for me, but I can't help but think that's just because he doesn't have anything else to do.

I'm kind of pissed that he's caving right now and I'm sitting on my couch crying alone. I'm kind of pissed that when HIS life fell apart, it was assumed I would be there, it was assumed I would drop work and my plans to come be with him and yet, when my life falls apart, I can't make that same assumption.

Having been married only a year and a half, I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn't for me. Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading. I met my wife in high school when...

I pull people in, I cling, I need, I want. I tell them not to go, I tell them that I can't deal with this. I say I need love and support and kindness and compassion.

Six years ago today, I purged for the first time that I can remember. Six years ago today, on Halloween, I decided to tell my then-boyfriend that I was fine, to go out without me and I would just stay home. It was a bad day, I told him, I would be fine. Six years ago today was the day that would start the very fast decline of my health and my sanity.

Today, I am finally recovering. Today, I am finally realizing that this disorder will not be what saves me from all that I've been avoiding. I finally see that was I was doing was destroying me when I thought it was the only thing that could help me. I am far from completely recovered and I am still fighting my demons day after day. But I finally realized that these demons that have destroyed me for so long aren't worth it. And even better, I'm slowly learning that maybe, just maybe, I am worth it.

Six years ago today, I started a terrifying but life changing journey. I started a journey that lead me to insight, to people that cared about me and to a life of balance. That journey has been hard, but those difficult parts have been worth it because of the things that I have gained. Although I wish I hadn't had to go through these things to find the positives, I wouldn't take it back for a moment. Because it lead me here.

Today, on Halloween, I had some Starbursts and some pumpkin pie without guilt. Today, I began to break the cycle.

I think I've tortured you enough, I've screwed you over enough. You've dealt with me for far too long and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I've made the past two years a struggle. I'm sorry I screwed up. I'm sorry that everything I've done has only made your life hell.

All I wanted was to feel loved, to not feel alone, and I'm realizing that I feel that way no matter what I do. When I lied, I felt distant because I was getting love for all the wrong reasons. When I self-destructed, I found that I only pushed people away so as not to hurt them. All of these things that I found to make myself feel better have only made me feel worse. And I'm sorry for dragging you along through this.

You have enough going on. You have enough pain in your life, you don't have to put up with my shit, too. I'm sorry that I've dragged it out as long as I have.

I have a thousand things I need to tell you and in this moment, I wish I could hug you. But you're working and I feel bad bothering you. I always do. I've been writing down the times that the train passes my house so that if I ever do get the courage, I'll have the opportunity.

I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.

Love always,

I push myself. I keep taking on new responsibilities without dropping any of the ones I already have. I get upset when I get an A-; I strive for an A. I accept positions in multiple research labs. I apply for an Honors program. I look at graduate schools. I tell myself I need a 3.7 to be happy with myself. I get dressed every morning. I care what I look like. I feel horrible when I make a mistake. Perfection, I tell myself, is the only thing that is acceptable.

I give up. I tell myself that I will never be good enough for all the things I want. I wonder whether their lives would be better without me. I wonder what happens on the other side. I tell myself that if I have the opportunity, I would do it in a heart beat.

But I can't. I have work tomorrow. I have an Honors application due in two weeks. I have people that depend on me.

But I can't handle the pressure. I cave in. I cry. I consider quitting it all so I have no excuse to stay.

This dichotomy is both what drives me to insanity and what has kept me alive thus far. It's a constant roller coaster, feeling as if I don't belong on this Earth, wishing I could disappear while simultaneously feeling like I have too much responsibility here to leave.

My anxiety has been overwhelming lately. I have a lot to do, I'm working a lot this weekend and I don't have time to see my boyfriend or do anything that would let me calm down. I need time for myself but have none. I'm tired and sad. I need relief from the anxiety.