I feel like we should talk about how key Neilās asexuality/demisexuality was for Andrew. Like yes everyone talks about how painfully oblivious Neil was to Andrewās interest and how that ended up being a bit infuriating (rip Wymack watching that car crash from the sidelines), but think about it. At no point does Neil look at Andrew with any heat or physical desire. Its all wow look at his strong shoulders that make me feel safe and like I can rely on him and wow look at the way the sun hits his hair through the windows in the back of the bus I canāt look away. As someone who had grown up with various instances of sexual abuse from multiple people, Andrew would have become acutely aware of how people looked at him. With Neil, never nada nope. All he saw was Neil looking at him like he was always paying attention, like he was the only one who wasnāt afraid of him after he went off his medication, and to then just looking at him adoringly?? To the point Andrew repeatedly tells him to stop looking at him that way?? Neil went from I see you, asshole to I see you and I am not afraid to all I see is you. THAT is what made Andrew feel safe. At no point did Neil want anything from Andrew beyond their deals and truths, he did not want anything without being willing to give something in return; playing by Andrewās rules of engagement. He never would have unknowingly set off one of Andrewās first warning signs ingrained since childhood, he would have always felt safe when Neil looked at him
Even as Andrew realized that his feelings for Neil had nothing to do with his medication, even as he fought tooth and nail not to care about this chaotic junkie timebomb who doesnāt swing to respect his boundaries, even as Neil looked at him like he was the only person in every room, even as he himself doesnāt know how to be loved, even then he would look into Neilās eyes and feel safe
This is something Iāve been thinking about for a while so op if you donāt mind me jumping off your post,
Iāve always had the feeling that Neil wouldnāt care very much about the label - someone would tell him heās demisexual and heād just likeĀ ācool thanksā and move on.
But Andrew? How would someone who has been abandoned his entire life? He was the rejected twin. He was the one stuck in Juvie. Heās the one always lookign out for other people without someone watching his own back. But then thereās Neil who *chose* Andrew. Who would only *ever* choose Andrew. I imagine that it must have been such an incredible moment to realise that Neil didnāt swing - unless it was for him. Bitter, angry and broken Andrew but Neil was beyond willing to accept every single part of him.
Do I mind?? ALL ABOARD
I totally agree. I just picture one of the foxes following interrogations of Neil and Andrew about them getting together going like
Nicky: so turns out you do swing huh?
Neil: I mean not really I just-
Allison: THAT does not settle any of our bets we need-
Andrew: *dishing out literally the coldest stare to date before having enough* āNeil does not owe any of you an explanation.ā
To then promptly drag Neil out of the room. Neil has spent so much of his life constantly crafting new personas just to survive. In TFC Neil reflects on what he wants to say/do vs what who he has made Neil Josten out to be should say/do/be. While Neilās sexuality may have been systematically suppressed by his mother (though I am honestly quite uncomfortable attributing Neilās sexual identity as purely a environmental/nurture/trauma response as that could imply that his asexuality/demisexuality are a reaction to something despite the fact that Nora does frame it as a result of his upbringing and mother.) I feel like Andrew would be particularly protective of letting Neil identify, articulate, and decide for himself the aspects of the newly himself Neil Josten
I also agree that it really was so profoundly well done that Andrew ends up with someone who is along the lines of ace/demi not only for the physical aspect that I explored above (which pairs Neils ace attributes well with Andrewās prolific history of sexual abuse because many survivors inadvertently equate being desired with being in danger.) But as you beautifully pointed out that Neilās demi attributes pair well with Andrewās abandonment/trust issues
Like Neil is so in love with Andrew long before he even realizes it, which makes my heart break for Andrew when you think about how that must have felt to have the one person who actually sees you, who you are frustratingly in love with, who actually cares about you so much-not by saying it with words that would have been meaningless to Andrew but over and over again with his actions-to ānot swing.ā Like for the first time Andrew could have it all and its so close but heās reminded like everything else in his life that (he believes) it can never happen because the one thing he wonāt do is violate someone elseās physical boundaries. For what is probably the first time Andrew has real, deep romantic feelings for a person that he also wants sexually when his past sexual experiences have either been traumatic violations or emotionally void. Thatās a gut punch right-
AND THEN- to find out that this person who has never had the luxury of caring about anyone or himself, who saw you manic and high out of your mind, who saw you sick from withdrawal, who saw you (and cared enough to be the one to come find you) when your past came back with a bloody vengeance, who you trusted to help keep your word while you got the help you needed when you were at your worst AND DID, who sacrificed himself to try and protect you (and didnāt want a thank you for it,) who you have hit with a racket and insulted and drugged, who literally saw you at every possible worse point-THAT person looks at you and for the first time in his life thinks āyeah him.ā That is beautiful. Neil fell in love with Andrew through seeing every dark part of him that crawled out and wasnāt afraid. Neil grew up running from monsters but from the start knew Andrew wasnāt one, that he alone was the one he wanted
