It rly hurt as an eldest daughter realizing at an extremely young age that ur parents can’t rly be parents, and feeling like it’s ur duty to care for ur siblings so that they never feel as shitty as u felt and never get as damaged as u did. it’s rly hard when all u wanna do is just leave and start a whole new life just for urself, but u feel like u can’t just leave ur siblings in the hands of ppl who won’t know how to handle them properly. u feel like u can’t leave those same ppl to their own devices either, bc u realized how hurt and vulnerable they rly are, how they’re just like kids and need someone to talk to(especially ur mother), how they are failed. even if they treated u like shit, u as an eldest daughter took the time to see where all their anger came from, even if they never did the same to understand u as u did for them. as an eldest daughter u feel u owe them the happiness that u think they got depraved of bc of u, even if they never showed u an ounce of that compassion like u do them. so then u realize u will probably always be split between this crushing feeling of duty as an eldest sister/daughter, and wanting to be ur own free person, the way u never got to be. it’s realizing ur too scared to leave, bc u don’t know if u could handle the guilt, the pain of feeling like ur selfish, like u betrayed the ppl who need u most, like u failed at ur job of being there for them, like u broke the family bc u had the burden of holding it together. it sucks when no one ever acknowledges the amount of mental energy, how much of urself u lose, how much pain and damage u sustain of being the one thing holding the family together, the only person who even bothers to be there for everyone, even if ur the one who got the most mistreatment and got failed over and over again. how much pure strength it takes, when ur not even there for urself, when u loathe urself to no end, when ur constantly on the edge of just giving up, when ur barely functioning to keep urself together.
To all eldest daughters and sisters: I see you. I see you, and I know how fucking hard it is. You were always doing an amazing job, even if this job wasn’t yours to do. I’m sorry u got failed. I’m sorry u feel invisible and like u have to be perfect just to get crumbs of acknowledgment. I acknowledge you. I wish u find happiness, I wish u find urself. I wish u will find ppl that would love u unconditionally, that would acknowledge you, make you feel special. Because you are special. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world.
romaincrisis
jbbartram-illu
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
kianamaiart
