Denny's menu

Dear MCBC: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you pick? Sincerely, rittz

Asking someone a question like that is probably illegal. There are just way too many delicious problematic favs out there for me. I’m guessing you all know how much i like pizza judging by the amount of messages i get with the word in it.

 It’s all pizza and homies with you guys. I’m like a lame sweaty Homestruck turbonerd to you.  Not my scene.

But I’ve never even been Homestricken. Once I slept on the couch for like, 27 hours though. What was the question again? ….oh yeah. If I had to pick one food to eat for the rest of my life, I would most definitely go with ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET, which definitely counts as one food. Trust me, I checked the rule book.

The only lesson here, Rittz Crackers, is "don't get between a man and his food", and probably some other thing I'm forgetting.

Now, go top yourself with some cream cheese and tomato so I can have some mad h'orderves for my Post-Thanksgiving Pre-Christmas BatFeast™

To the amazingly awesome Commander, I want to be a superhero! And, considering you ARE a superhero, I was wondering if you had any hero-tips for me while I'm on my way to hero-ville to collect my hero-dom!

Heroicly, RandomSandwich.

From somewhere out in the frozen wastes.

Well, wastey,

First up, you mentioned a sandwich. Give it to me, preferably triangle cut, those squares are just too intimidating. Secondly, this sandwich better have the good mustard. Thirdly, all you need to be a super hero is a kickin name and a cool costume.

It's so easy just to slap on a tight shirt and call it a "hero costume", I've been doin that for YEARS. I don't even wanna tell you how many years. I just drew myself in an incredibly tight piece of glorious lycra one day and was like, dude yes. I'm gonna look SO fine. Ladies love lycra.

......

And superhero names? Did my parents name me The MC Bat Commander? Well, if they didn't, I wouldn't know. All names are made up, so it doesn't really matter what you call yourself as long as it's rad enough to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies, and maybe make you sound like you can rap. Maybe add a catch-phrase or two, you know.  Simple stuff. 

I’m gonna be honest with you, Wastey, being a superhero is so easy. You think we’d be around if it was hard? Heck no! You just stroll on down to hero-ville-- wait, hero-ville? I've never been there. Must be out in the Midwest.

Well, Wastey, I hope there's no grizzled wizards waiting to give you a quest or answering them their questions three when you get to hero-ville, because you can life-hack your way right past that mess straight onto easy street if you follow my advice. It's all in the lycra. Know what I mean?

a>Peanut butter lawn ornament???  I…What?

Oh no. this is like, one a those spam emails isn’t it?

a> DELETED!

a>next!

  When did you learn how to use a computer?

-Vanillucks

a>Ahh yes. The subject of my long lost documentary.

  Back in dinosaur times when Kool Herc was inventing DJing and the internet wasn’t invented by the US government, and I was just a moderately-sized baby commander, a space wizard appeared and TAUGHT ME THE WAYS OF THE WEB. Karate Kid-style, I had to balance on one foot to cross the information superhighway. It was amazing. We were looking at cat memes in the future.

The Web Wizard is responsible for all my many layers of mystique and my cool guy facade. Look at him.

So cool, so mysterious. No wonder I’m so awesome.

  Basically, Vanilla Ice, I am evidently pretty awesome and you aren’t. How could you possibly steal from the wonder of Merc and Bowey? For shame. For shame.

Bramble bee-- AHH GROSS! I HATE BEES! I’m just gonna call you Brambles. We cool, Brambles? 

  You wanna seem cool and professional? You came to the right dude, because I’m like, the coolest most professionalist guy EVER. First things first- you need sunglasses if you’re gonna be cool. Every cool person EVER wears a sick pair of shades. Wear your most ragged metal band t-shirt and cut the sleeves off if they haven’t already been destroyed. Maybe a bandana or somethin to bring it all together.

  As for seeming PROFESSIONAL- briefcase. you GOTTA have a briefcase.

i would just keep like, a pizza and a few donuts in there myself. Maybe an emergency burger to seal those extra tough deals. It’s all about knowing how to work the system.

  For your cool questions, you just gotta keep in mind stuff you think is cool, and maybe see if you can get a lil’ somethin-somethin’ out of your interviewee. For example, “Do you own a motorcyle, and if so, can i borrow it?” If that doesn’t work or you can't borrow their hog for poppin’ some sweet wheelies, ask them how many skateboard tricks they can do and maybe you’ll at least get to see something cool from behind those slick shades. 

  If anything, you can always keep a bag of marshmallows in that briefcase and have a good ol fashioned challenge--

"HOW MANY MARSHMALLOWS CAN YOU FIT IN YOUR MOUTH?" Not only will your intervieweewee appreciate the free marshmallows from some cool Fancy Business Lady, your cheering them on as they stuff mallows in their mouth will bond you together. There's a possibility the Heimlich Maneuver will be involved in the bonding.

  Okay Brambles. That’s all I got for ya. If I said anything else, you’d learn all my secrets, and you’d probably turn into me and the world knows it doesn’t need two of me ru- actually, two of me would be pretty cool. We could like, hang out all day. Tell each other secrets  and stuff, it’d be way awesome! I mean uh (COUGH) Good luck Brambles. You nerd.