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Taken from season two of the 2021 AMC series, Kevin Can F Himself! Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit! There may be some light spoilers for the series!

“We’ll fix it together, okay?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve never had a hostage before. I’m not great at it yet.”

“I have no idea. I can’t tell if it’s been twenty minutes or eight hours.”

“Okay. So you’re done trying to kill my best friend. Congrats. You still tried once!”

“How the hell am I dating a cop?”

“Maybe they don’t care when I whine, but he laughs when you bleed.”

“They say ‘we’ all the time like you’re in this together, but, (Name), where are they?”

“They tried to kill them. Can you believe? Bitches tried to kill me, too.”

“Jesus. The nightmare continues.”

“I mean ‘cause you have the general vibe of a sad dog in a cone.”

“I don’t want to be me anymore.”

“I swear to you, I am working on it. Because I really do want you around.”

“I only wish you hit me harder so I could forget all this shit.”

“I’m not in (Name), but the general sense of failure just, sorta, trickles down.”

“Who knew there was a version of death sadder than regular death?”

“It just feels like punishment for dying alone.”

“I’m not like you, I can’t just pretend to like things.”

“You ever think that it’s not that you have a bad sense of direction, you just gotta pay attention to where you’re going?”

“I’ve been squatting in the basement for the past two weeks.”

“The more times you bring up the one nice thing you ever did for me, the less nice it gets.”

“Did a demon just achieve its final, most powerful form in our kitchen?”

“See how I say that with no visible eye roll?”

“It just seems like you’re someone who never had to share.”

“If I play the field, I’ll end up under it.”

“And you don’t like me. It’s fine. People don’t have to like each other.”

“Not when I’ve just been insulted and rejected by a man who I always thought of as my creepy uncle.”

“Yeah, and maybe that stuff was worth it when I thought we might actually be together.”

“Yeah, and I swore I’d never talk to a cop without a lawyer present, but here we are.”

“When I think too much about something, that’s the second I start talking myself out of it, okay?”

“You’re a hazard.”

“Uh, fun is for people with disposable income.”

“I woke up. Another win.”

“Well, they did corner me last night and told me sobriety was the reason I’m not fun anymore.”

“That’s residual priest nervousness, if you ask me.”

“What does the beauty matter if there is no other soul to share it with?”

“Okay. Is that true or is that just what /they/ tell you?”

“I don’t want to have to worry about him, but I can’t stop worrying about him.”

“(Name) will be fine. (Name)’s always fine.”

“There’s a reason that ‘drinking’ rhymes with ‘thinking.’”

“Because you’re just so excited to die?”

“I feel like I dropped something and I feel it next to me. And I’m trying to figure out what it is, and I’m lying there wide awake convinced that if I don’t pick it up, then something terrible is going to happen.”

“Oh, sure, like you’re suddenly concerned about me.”

“Maybe I just don’t want to be alone. And maybe there’s not always a difference.”

“They laughed. They didn’t listen to me at all. No one listens to me.”

“(Name) would have died without you? Maybe you should go home sometimes.”

“I think it’s rearranging deck chairs at the Titanic at this point.”

“I’ll see you for three weeks in February while I work on my tan!”

“I don’t think they realized it. They gave everything up to protect me.”

“And now that I’m left here without them, I don’t feel better off. I just feel… left.”

“I’m not really concerned with protecting (Name). Or anyone like them, really.”

“Well, but you know that we’re not actually better off without you, right?”

“Without me, you will have nothing. Because I will fucking destroy you.”

“I had a terrible, terrible day. And you’re the only person I hang out with now. Is that okay?”