The haven of the soul

In Part 1, I mentioned that I stepped out from under his patronage. And I unexpectedly realized that I could receive information directly from the Universe/Source (insert any other name here). This was such a staggering revelation that at first I doubted my own sanity. But when the information kept coming without any intermediaries, I realized that receiving it this way isn't actually that difficult. Previously, I had always relied on various spirits, ancestral helpers, deities, and guides. But now I can send a query into the "void" and receive an answer almost immediately.

I stopped addressing the Universe as some kind of deity, with ritualized reverence. I can simply ask, "Hey, what about...", wink, smirk, and go back about my business. Because I know: the answer will come back in the same friendly manner.

Until recently, I had no idea that besides the Universe/Source/Creator (again, insert your own word) there was something else. But life brought me face to face with something I would rather have never dealt with. That is Primordial Chaos, the Void, Non-Being. The principle of entropy. It turns out that my friend and I had already encountered something similar... An entity (if that word even applies to this phenomenon). At the time, we didn't know its true nature; we perceived it more as a powerful god. It did horrifying things, and I'll talk about that in another text. Back then, I didn't know that this would not be my first encounter with Chaos (for convenience, that's mostly what I call it).

Chaos is not evil by nature. It is not classic evil as we understand it. It simply... Devours. Absorbs. Dissolves. It destroys both life and death. At any other time, I would have viewed it neutrally, as a fundamental component of reality. But when it began to intrude into my life and the lives of those close to me (and not only), it automatically became evil to me. And I had to learn things I never suspected I was capable of.

Chaos has no definite form. It is faceless. But in our world (and not only ours), it operates through its "agents"/messengers/forms that are suitable for activity here. I have only encountered a few of them, but in reality there are probably many more. I was "fortunate" enough to witness huge black ephemeral figures, constantly shifting their shape; long "tentacles" made of a very strange "material": as if steel, plastic, and rubber all at once. Solid, yet at the same time elastic. This could easily be dismissed as something extraterrestrial — if this thing had any homeland at all.

I was also "fortunate" enough to see something like the main "boss." A black vortex in the night sky with a bright burgundy pulsating core. It looked like the Pillar of Fire from the animated film The Prince of Egypt (incidentally, when watching that movie, the appearance of that snow-white vortex made me feel uneasy and frightened). To be clear, I saw these phenomena not in the physical world (otherwise I might have already died of a heart attack), but on the subtle plane. I don't know for sure whether it was the Astral plane or some borderline dimension. Either way, it existed somewhere.

Among the other "agents," one can single out the astral projection of a person with a weapon, who struck at me with such fury that I was more horrified by his frenzy than by the blows themselves. Chaos can manifest in completely different forms, easily changing guises, because it has no permanent appearance.

When my friend and I helped eliminate the first emanation of Chaos (a couple of years ago), something unexpected happened: Lucifer personally thanked us for it. And that was the first time I saw that even this deity fears Non-Being. In principle, that makes sense — no one wants to cease to exist, and even gods fear such a fate, because they are real (relatively) beings, and therefore automatically fall under the risk of being "devoured" by Chaos. It spares no one.

And as I began to encounter the manifestations of this adversary more and more often, my fear and awe of deities completely vanished. Against my will, I had to fight against something that makes me physically ill, that sometimes makes it impossible to breathe from sheer terror. A couple of times I was on the verge of a heart attack. And then I had to learn to take control of basic biological responses ("fight-flight-freeze"). I didn't think that was even possible, because it's biology, the most ancient and most powerful mechanism. But life demonstrated that in a fight with Non-Being itself, absolutely anything is possible, and if you want to continue existing — you'd better be prepared to reshape your own nature.

This was not easy. And of course, if I encounter something similar in the world of matter and physics, the survival mechanism will kick in first. However, now I have a choice: give in to it or ignore it. I have never feared death, but I feared pain and the terror of dying. Lately, even that doesn't scare me. Of course, ideally I would like to keep my body intact, but even if that doesn't work out — well, it's quite survivable. This is why I no longer stand in awe of deities. None of their "punishments" or mere anger over disrespect can compare for me to staring into the abyss. Into the abyss where everything disappears.

Recently, I had an unpleasant situation. Lucifer, with whom I haven't been in contact for over a year, suddenly showed up and once again tried to drag me into his game of riddles and so-called help that I never asked for. He provided me with information I already possessed. He wasn't very polite, and I answered sharply that if he continued in the same vein, I would strike him without hesitation. I'm not afraid to attack him, but I prefer not to do so without reason. Fortunately, that was the end of our contact, and Lucifer hasn't appeared since.

Of course, it's possible that it wasn't him at all, but some malicious entity wearing his guise. Either way, the result is the same: don't poke your nose in, and you won't get your head bashed in. If someone speaks to me with disdain, they will get no respect from me in return, no matter how powerful the deity before me. After a year of clashes with Chaos, I've learned to fiercely defend my territory, so anyone who comes uninvited, especially with aggression, risks being destroyed. And I couldn't care less who it is. Many entities now give me a wide berth and think twice before making contact. I no longer obey gods, though I am willing to cooperate of my own free will. If something doesn't suit me, I'll simply withdraw from that cooperation and that's it — I won't tolerate anything or search for hidden meanings in a deity's behavior. I respect sovereignty, and if someone doesn't respect mine, they are no ally of mine.

I no longer recognize any hierarchy of "higher—lower" in any form (except in earthly life situations, such as "boss—subordinate" — I do respect the rules). I only recognize an alliance of "equal—equal" and will not tolerate imbalance.