Butterlifes

From 'What Survival Looks Like at Home' by Helen Townsend, from Beacon House & Inner World Work (PDF)

Quick cheat sheet:

Noticing Freeze

Bored, not interested

Confused, forgetful

Distracted, not listening

Clumsy

Talking about something else

Not moving to where you’ve asked

Scanning the room

Wide eyed, pupils might dilate

Daydreaming, staring into space

Grounding Freeze

Stay with me, don’t leave me

Tell me I’m ok & that I am safe

Watching TV

Deep breathing

Spinning on a swing

Climbing & hanging

Rolling or cycling down a hill

Digging in mud or sand

Jumping on a trampoline

Do my chores with me

Gently wonder where I have gone & invite me back to you

If I have forgotten what I was supposed to be doing, remind me again gently

Hot chocolate & toast

A warm bath & a warm towel

A soft teddy for bedtime

Noticing Flight

Hyperactive, manic, silly

Aggressive, threatening: stiffening up, clenching fists

Running away, escaping, disappearing, hiding under the table/bed/sofa

Clumsy

Disruptive, loud & noisy

Can’t cope with free play

Can’t follow house rules

Not doing what you’ve asked

Lonely

Keeping super busy

Baby talk/silly voices

Bumping into people

Needing to get into the car/house/park first

Grounding Flight

Keep me close by

Find me again happily or patiently

Deep breathing

Give me a familiar & easy chore

Crunchy foods – carrot sticks, a biscuit, a rice cake or crisps

Tell me that I am safe with you

Hanging from monkey bars

Talk through what you think I am finding tricky using a kind voice

Heavy blankets

Create a safe space where I can hide away I when I need to

Tug of war

Cup of warm milk or hot chocolate

Hot water bottle & a soft teddy

Recognize I sometimes find 'normal' family life threatening

Accept that if I feel threatened, I feel in real danger.

If you send me to do something & I forget, just patiently ask again

Noticing Fight

Hot and bothered

Argumentative, angry and aggressive

Controlling, demanding and inflexible

Lie or blaming

Unable to concentrate on one thing

Unable to follow the house rules

Confrontational

Disrespectful

Disregarding of others, pushing away friends/family members

Shouting, loud and noisy

Immature

Grounding Fight

Tell me you love me even when my I push you away

Don’t punish me for being cross; reward me with your kindness and love for getting calm again

Keep me safe from hurting myself

Match my energy

Deep breathing

Chewy foods

Support me socially

Hanging, swinging and climbing

Warm bath with lots of bubbles

Warm milk or a hot chocolate

Hot water bottle

A super soft teddy and/or blanket

Give me a task that makes me feel important

Connect with me and show me empathy before exploring the consequences of my behavior

Create somewhere safe to go to so I can calm down

Make things predictable. Tell me about changes before they happen, especially if strangers are coming to the house or I’m going somewhere new

Accept I might not know why I behaved in that way & I might not remember what happened

Listen and acknowledge how I feel, even if you see it differently, it will help me feel listened to

Noticing Submit

Unhappy, low mood

Alone or withdrawn

Fidgety but not disruptive, anxious

Never questioning or asking questions

Never drawing unnecessary attention

Yes or no answers - doing just enough to avoid being noticed, unable to think

Quiet & passive, compliant

Grounding Submit

See me, listen to me

Give me small repetitive things to do

Weighted blanket

Building with Lego or Play-doh

Tell me I am safe

Deep breathing

Swinging

Let me spend quiet time just with you

Understand that social media might symbolizes a comforting connection

Hot chocolate and a crunchy biscuit

Wrap me up in a soft blanket & watch TV

Understand that playing computer games, lets me be by myself somewhere safe

Recognize I am hurting inside & might need professional help

Know that I am easily bullied, look out for this, don’t expect me to tell you.

Notice I will say what I think you want me to say

Be aware that I am an easy target & can be coerced easily to keep the peace

Know I can't cope being the center of attention

Watch for me removing myself

Warm bath and a warm towel

I am not proud to wear the scars he gave me

They are a reminder of the horrors I've endured

And although my body has healed

My mind still bleeds like they are fresh

The years that go by feel the exact same

People around me have become so tired of the same story and I don't even tell it anymore

It's all over my face and inside my empty eyes

I wish they understood that I'm tired too

Tired of pretending it was a long time ago

And that "time heals all wounds"

When the trauma has actually changed my brain

Overstimulated amygdala

Underactive hippocampus

You'd think my brain would help me forget the pain

Instead I've forgotten any good reason to live and I remember each hurt

Over and

Over and

Over again

what makes the ~ending~ of things so hard for you?

Listen! The thing that poisoned your existence can't detoxify you, right? But identifying and knowing that you are being poisoned can and will sure as hell help you save your bacon. Let that sink in!

You supported him through everything he ever done - even telling him that he should leave if he thought that he would be happier.

He always said that he had a hard time trusting people, and so really knew the true meaning of the word - but then went and broke your trust anyway.

—

–my therapist

My session today really lightened my load a little bit so I wanted to share something my therapist said as I shared how I was feeling to learn that narcissists wreaked havoc in my life because of my personality traits of codependency. I don’t BLAME myself for someone else’s behaviors, NO! I hold myself accountable for what is true about ME that I ALLOWED things. When I knew I didn’t like it but I went along to “keep the peace” and stuff like that especially with the “best friend” that all these years was NEVER really my “best friend”. No one FORCED me to participate in all the unhealthy connections I had.  My own unhealed traumas played a major part in my choices and a lot of those choices got me here with a SHIT TON of work to do. That doesn’t feel good to say. I’ve cried a couple of times wondering WHY DIDN’T I VALUE MYSELF MORE instead of look for other people to do something I wasn’t doing for myself. I should never have expected anything I wasn’t giving myself to come from anyone else especially not from some damn narcissists!

But a new day to be alive is a new chance to decide differently. To say NO! To implement boundaries. To BELIEVE there ARE more OPTIONS besides, “Sure,” and “OK, no problem,” like, “Not today,” and “That’s not something I can help with, I hope you get it figured out.” Because those responses are fine too. Somewhere along the line, I allowed myself to be convinced that they weren’t so the only way to undo that is to practice responding based on my true feelings.

I think these will be my favorite ones: “No.” and “Nah, I don’t feel like it.” No more concern with someone else’s feelings. Other people’s feelings WERE NEVER OUR RESPONSIBILITY! No more guilt about checking things against my wants and needs. Those wants and needs have to be established and paired with boundaries. I’m going to get the hang of this! I know I am.

I truly thought this Tumblr was going to be total madness towards narcissists that have taken advantage of me. AND IT MIGHT BE SOMETIMES! *LOL* But when I write all that and read it to myself, I start to feel like I need to love myself. I feel sad reading how often I took breadcrumbs which do not feed, nourish or promote growth like bread does.