/Shrug

Chief among my concerns and worries is the sad fact that I do not really know who I am as a creative anymore. I am torn between so many avenues and paths and none of them seem to have clicked with me. Some people may know me for my music, others for my voice acting, maybe in my writing or sound designing, my stuff for all or ages or more mature stuff, maybe that dumb radio play series that I never got round to finishing but am both too proud to cancel and too cowardly to cancel (Seven years since I started that, I am such a great showrunner…)

All of these things I could likely hone in on and make a somewhat decent career out of but my fear of exposure and presenting myself to appeal to audiences makes me want to disappear into a sinkhole, I hate self promotion but oops, can’t make money or fame if no one knows who you are. 

And even if I did get that fame I’d be frightened every step of the way, worrying that something I say will be taken out of context, my actions will go against who I am (whoever that is) or that I’ve somehow ended up down the line making the “wrong friend” and I’ll be berated, never trusted again. 

I know I’m not alone in this. I know others are hurting so much more than I am, and relatively I’m cushy. But its the actions that I feel unable to take in the fear of the unknown, or the fear of getting my friends or family infected that leave me feeling helpless and… stuck. 

It feels like 2015 again after I graduated, with no idea what I’m going to do and feeling as though I have no power to course correct it. Plenty of ideas in the pipeline and yet no real urgency or drive for any of them. I still chip away, but I feel I need that certainty. That certainty that “this is the correct path” which I haven’t found yet. 

Also I know I’ve done a lot of these soul searching posts in the past, either here or some other site, but hey, one of them will stick, and I’ll be able to look back proudly. 

On the surface when you look at what I've accomplished this year you'd think it was a thumping good one. I released an album, made the longest drive of my life (twice!) to meet some very fine people, I turned twenty five, I treated myself with a switch and I finally got out of my system something I been working on for two years. But scratch that surface and there was... a lot not so great this year. So much of it felt like a blur because I feel as though I regressed a bit into comforts so that I didn't have to think about what I was putting off or what I deemed wrong with my life. Work is also a culprit, vows to move on unfulfilled and problems arising to further make that ambition all the more urgent. And while it was a momentous achivement to finish those said projects the reception was... a bit underwhelming. My life didn't get magically better and it kinda flew under the radar in comparison to my last major project. I think the kicker to the whole year is just how... uncertain of myself it made me. Things changed rapidly and yet not at all, with new devices, people coming and going from work and this notion I should be so much further in my life than I currently now. And that its set up next year with the unavoidable truth. I have vague plans, but... I have no bloody idea what I'm doing in 2019. But the fact is things must change. I have no excuse anymore. Its a very unknown year going ahead but I will make it good by gum.

Context doesn’t help much but

@jitterbugjive @phillipfga , me and @pocketyhat were doing drawing challenges based on the theme of Superheroes and this is what happened

1: An unsexy stripper hero (2 minutes)

2: A superhero based on Alice in Wonderland (2 minutes)

3: a hero based on a random shape (2 minutes)

4: A villain based on what was to our right.... It was a Trixie plush. (2 minutes)

5: Redraw a character we already did. (10 seconds)

6: Redesign someone else’s previous 10 second villain based on shape (2 minutes) 

7: Number 3 is now a villain. (2 minutes) 

8: We took the first hero of someone else and had them fight someone else’s number 6... I ended up with Jitters don’t judge me. (5 Minutes)

This year has been… challenging. Very very challenging. Last year I said it was the worst year of my life, and while I can’t quite say the same about this year, I can say it was full of the lowest lows of all time. Many of which I don’t feel comfortable disclosing, but for context I admitted back in June to a colleague at work that, and I quote, “I genuinely don’t want to be alive anymore.”

Yeah…

But from the ashes of all that I’ve managed to climb out the other end stronger and more positive about my future. Work has been great in that regard, very supportive and very… natural to me. I can’t say I’m fully content to spend the rest of my life in a garden centre, but for now I’m certainly not hating getting up to go to it. I’ve vowed that next year will be an appropriate time to review if I still am happy there once I’ve officially got two years under my belt.

Productive wise I’ve done pretty good for myself, ticking a number boxes of my ever expanding to do list. Musically though I admit I’ve been quite stagnant, unmotivated generally and no where near the amount accomplished which I set out to do at the start of the year. But hey, what else are new years resolutions for? That and fitness. Definitely need to work on losing the wobbles on my belly.

So. Once again I find myself looking to the future optimistically and hoping I have the strength to accomplish what I intend to in this moment in time. And I fully plan to make a glorious return in a way anyone who knows anything about me, hopefully I can make very happy.

So long 2017. You sucked, but I didn’t.