Ultraviolet notes

(tried a cute website)

Does it ever get better? Will I ever feel better?

I have been thinking these days, what is it that's stealing my happiness. It's not my degree, it's the feeling of being inadequate. It's the thought that if I'm struggling so much that maybe I don't belong in this degree.

It feels like I have been parading and pretending I belong, that I can do this.

Truth is I really want this, I really want the prestige of my degree, I want to walk that graduation stage. I want to be able to tell myself, "It was hard but you managed to do it". I also want to be competent at what I do. But I don't know what I need to do to get that.

Been feeling really low these passed days... Could be due to failing literally ALL my first quarter test, sigh, when will I ever get better at this. The only thing I dedicate my time and energy towards is my studies and yet there's nothing to show for it.

Last day of my recess before I return to campus for lectures again... I worked so hard to be in this university but now I have grown to somewhat resent this place. The sea of people that remind me of how small, slow and insignificant I actually am. Buildings that have existed before my time and will continue to exist in my absence. Again acting as a testament of how little impact I have in the grand scheme of things. Studying a degree I have come to visualise as an onion, every day a new layer is revealed, leaving me in tears in the end.

2/04/2026

Scrolling through my camera roll and found these pics from when my friends & I went out to celebrate the end of the quarter. Mahn im gonna miss them next year. It actually scares me how different next year is going to be. Because i failed a module i wont be able to go to post grad with them... This year they will probably all graduate...without me. Thinking about it makes me feel lonely, my day 1s wont be graduating with me. Oh well, everything happens for a reason. Just as i started uni & was anxious about being a loner ,im again anxious but if past me could find my tribe, ill find them again.

31/03/2026

Been a while... so much has happened in the past 2 months, in my life, in the world. Its like one second I feel like I have everything under control, making progress towards my goals and getting better at handling life then the next second everything is falling apart. I tried to be prepared for every lecture by doing the pre-class activities but it didnt take me long to fall behind on that too.

2/03/2026

Time is flying, it's March already...

Everyday I told myself "carpe diem" (sieze the day) and before I knew it I was pushing past my old limits.

I'm also worried I'm taking this too far and too fast, the brightest flame burns the fastest after all, I fear when tests come around I'm going to be too burnt out to study.

19/02/2026

Today felt extra long and extra slow. At one point time couldn't go any slower and then it flew...

18/02/2026

Today I attended the first class of a module I failed, felt a rollercoaster of emotions. Guilt, shame and also a little hopeful... After I sat down and looked around, I noticed a couple familiar faces... I wasn't the only one who had failed the module. I felt much better knowing I wasn't alone in my struggle with the module.

Spent the day with my mum ☺️

Felt good to surprise her with her favorite flowers and treat her to a tasty drink...