Ultraviolet notes

Recently attended a vac work program for 3 days. Learnt alot about the company, people and myself. The third day we had to do a group presentation, and i just shut down. I have never experienced something like that before. Its like leading up to the presentation i felt intense fear, anxiety, sorrow and then like it got extremely overwhelming and then nothing. I felt nothing. I wasnt scared, happy , sad, i felt empty, hollow. My team members even said i looked very calm. not sure what that was but it scared me. In that moment i felt nothing that would hold me back from doing something i might regret. was this what people describe as "no shits to give"?

I find myself remembering the qoute: "It is true that those we meet can change us, sometimes so profoundly that we are not the same afterwards" from Life of Pi, after watching a show that leaves such a profound impact on me that I carry parts of it with me into my daily life. I believe this quote also applies to any form of expression, such as film, photography, etc. Recently I watched "We are all trying here". I began watching it on a whim, not realising it would become the most perspective changing series I have ever watched. From begining to end, it felt like a moment you dont want to end but know it will. I felt seen and understood on so many levels, from seeing parts of myself in the characters to healing parts of myself I didnt even know where hurt. "Life should be a comedy" is a line that stuck with me. So far I have been living like life is a big tragedy, to be born just to become another cog in the wheel, to be stuck in a life that constantly pressures and demands you to perform. But if I view it as a comedy, mahn, that changes everything. Why cry when I can laugh? Laugh in the face of sadness. Stand back up and laugh at the fall.

This month really flew by... Spent the entire month on survival mode. Spent my days waiting for nightfall so I could go to sleep. And repeated the routine when the sun rose again the next day. And before I knew it May flew by. I usually post a photo dump for each month on instagram but when I opened my gallery today I saw nothing for may... The entire month I didnt take even one photo nor achieve a single goal. Didnt post here either. Thats when it hit me "oh im back at rock bottom again" I feel no energy, I feel so numb to everything, life is just happening to me and im just here floating from day to day. Everyday feels like torture trying to stay afloat. There are so many days the thought passes through my mind "why do I even try?" Honestly what is the point of all this suffering just to one day become food for worms....

How many more daggers to my heart must I take before I'm good enough.

Anyway, been splurging on things to make myself feel some form of happiness, so I bought a honey nut latte from a cafe that newly opened on campus.

Everything just kinda feels pointless...

Nothing makes me happier than stolen moments of peace with my mum. With her, time stops & everything just feels okay. One of my favourite moments is snacking on something with her in the car. Throw back to this amazing moment when we got coffee and had a little picnic in the car as it rained, hearing the pitte patte of the rain against the window whilst we chatted about life ...

Found these really cute and tiny teacups my aunt gifted me as a child, finally using them now that im old enough to appreciate their beauty. No better way to spend my recess than drinking tea from a cute teacup and highlighting my standards that I have been avoiding.

Good luck future me.

It all seems so simple until it isnt. I turned 20 a few weeks ago... Honestly not sure what I was expecting but nothing feels different, it really just feels like a number, a number of years i have existed. I am not magically smarter or stronger.... I just feel old & tired.

Been trying to be more positive these days, starting by challenging my negative thoughts... Still have a long way to go but I can already see a change. Some days are tough though I can't lie

Sigh, deciding how to allocate time as an adult is so scary, you never know if it's the right thing to invest your time in nor if it's the right amount of time...