man-horse-machine

I wish more psych abuse survivors would talk about how youre just ruined for life by the terror you have to live with. 24/7. How some people sleep in their clothes, or how they isolate themselves and trust no one. People will speak casually about how horrible it is that you have to worry about being sent to a psychiatric facility if you talk about being suicidal, but does no one want to expound upon that feeling? Isn't it just alienation from everyone around you, since it would be hard to be friends with someone who You Know will call the police on you over the expression of suicidal thoughts. You can never fully trust them. You can never fully trust anyone. If you've already been forced to go then it is on record permanently and you'll never be seen as a regular citizen again, even if you were oppressed before that, now it is ten times worse. In every situation you're the Crazy one that no one will ever believe again. You have to sleep in your clothes if you say too much, you have to pack your bags every night, write your notes, you have to write your will before they take you because they could take you in your sleep and you'd be left vulnerable. Everything is vulnerability. It would be safer to cut everyone off, at a certain point. If someone even alludes towards being afraid of disabled people or seeing them as crazy untamed maniacs, then I have to cut them off immediately and make sure I'm never in the same room as them. I'll never be seen as more than just a hysterical lunatic for being afraid. The state enforced terror is what I'm reacting to, but my fear is instead misconstrued and presented as proof of my insanity or inherent criminality / evil. I can never trust a single person ever again.