I’ve just realized. It’s time to tell you all. The story of the Great Dildo Heist.
I’ve mentioned before that I used to work at a sex shop. It was basically your average retail job except you’re selling sex toys. Aside from selling skills our most valuable asset was not giggling about the products.
When I was hired the manager at the time plopped a 20lb hyper realistic ass on the counter and said I must slap it with a straight face to work there.
Now, our story begins a few years later with a new manager. You need to understand the store layout somewhat, so from left to right here are the zones:
B: Run of the mill sex toys, $10-50
C: High end sex toys, $150-300
Before I go in to work I get a call from my manager. She tells me not to come in for two extra hours, because we’ve had a break in. This is especially surprising as we had really good security.
There’s cameras, motion sensors, alarms on the doors, and our store was really close to the local police station.
But our mystery thief was extremely savvy! They broke a window on the ground level near Zone B, sliding in amongst the safety glass. The alarms only activate on upper windows and doors, so our thief now had the run of the store.
We suspect that our daring robber intended to steal a whole lot of porn DVDs. But they, like you dear reader, were unaware of a crucial detail. We remove all discs and sleeve them up in a huge locked filing cabinet in Zone D.
So, foiled in the pursuit of a million hours of porn, our thief was left with the rest of the store at their disposal. And instead of proceeding to snag thousands of dollars of high tech, waterproof, rechargeable, high quality Ferraris of sexual pleasure, instead our intrepid interloper set their sights on something else.
In all the time they spent in the store, they were never once caught on camera. Between that and not tripping the alarms our robber was all set to emulate Danny Ocean in this magnificent heist. It was only on their way out that they happened to graze one of the motion sensors.
Now, right by our store was a 24hr Starbucks. Our thief could have strolled in with a backpack full of stolen goods and calmly sipped a latte while waiting for things to cool off.
But that’s not what happened.
What happened was that the cops found him a block away, sprinting as if his life depended on it with stolen sex toys flying out from his partially zipped backpack leaving fallen dildos in his wake like the most deranged trail of breadcrumbs imaginable.
When apprehended it turned out he’d stolen a backpack full of the foulest cheapest dildos money can buy, totaling not even $100.
Oh and also several tubes of a product called “Anal-Eze” which is a topical numbing agent to facilitate cramming stuff into your butt. (Don’t ever use it by the way, that’s how you end up in a hospital.)
He sobbingly confessed, “It was MeEeEeeE! I stole the diLDoS!!!”
And that’s the story of how I got to come into work two hours late.
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