###############

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

the reason usa birth rates going down is because we have a whole generation of women whose sexual awakening was Sans undertale and none of the men want to wear jorts and drink ketchup and go Er er er

Hey, no homo, but I am sitting on the broken swing set out back in the perfect, quiet, 2:00am blackness and picturing the softness of your voice and the darkness of your eyes with such perfect and terrible clarity that it feels like I'm choking on my own heartbeat.

Now I'm eating croutons straight out of the bag.

Still no homo ?

I'm gonna level with you, friend: I am eating these croutons gay style.

I have a horrible confession to make

I don't know which one is Dan and which one is Phil 😔

my promising gardening career was cut short when i was mauled by a rampaging basil plant

you can use this handy mnemonic to remember the planets of the solar system

mercury penus gearth cars wupiter caturn shuranus weptune iluto wluto mluto bluto aluto rluto bluto pluto

Normal groceries like milk or bread or whatever running out is whatever. Just anotha day. But when stuff like salt or cooking oil or rice runs out it feels like You’re supposed to be here for me and you’re leaving. You’re just like everyone else

the bus is never going to come because im a bad person

When youre a kid youre like wtf adults are making themselves sick with poisons and when youre an adult youre like i need more poisons ASAP