Just a dreamer.

Ok so i need some help. There’s this boy that i like. I’ve liked him for over a year but up until a week ago, he’d been in a relationship. We have had a pretty steady friendship this whole time. So here’s where it gets… kinda confusing. So he was dating a girl who doesn’t even live in the US. I live in Florida and he lives in California. She would periodically visit him a few times throughout their relationship but the majority of the relationship was spent apart from each other. Meanwhile, my friendship with him is mostly online via texting mostly, Instagram and Skype. Early on in our friendship while he was still dating this other girl, we began flirting. Little stuff here and there, until he asked me for pictures and you know what pictures I’m talking about. At first I was hesitant and slightly torn because on one hand I really liked him but on the other I knew I was enabling him to essentially cheat on his gf. I didn’t want to hurt her but at the same time i really wanted to indulge. So after months of him asking, i sent him photo’s. Also note that while we were flirting via text we got a bit naughty if you know what i mean. This was all early this year, while he was dating this other girl. During this time, while i had enjoyed him flirting with me and giving me this kind of attention, i was also being told by “friends” how I was such a terrible person for wanting to do this with him while he was dating someone else and i began feeling guilty. As I should i mean i would be crushed if i was in her place. Also note, that while all this was going on, she and I were friendly.

So i brought this dilemma up to him and he got very defensive telling me that he had talked to his gf about this and she knew he was flirty with other girls (not necessarily me). While I don’t wanna make excuses for him, i want to point out that the last year and a half of his life that i have known him, he lost his little sister and best friend right in front of him. So i don’t know exactly if his behavior towards me was just a result of his trauma or if he had some kind of feelings towards me, I’m not sure. But this information is key to understanding him.

So i tell him, hey listen i don’t like feeling like I’m just the side chick. I don’t want to enable you to cheat on your gf etc. even though by now, i had sexted, flirted and sent risqué photo’s. He was understanding and respected my choice and ever since then our conversations have been light and platonic. Both of us are musicians so a main portion of our conversations are music based. But nonetheless, he would offer up information from time to time when things with his gf weren’t going well. When they would fight, things she did that he didn’t like, etc.

Recently she was in his town for a few weeks. During this time, he and I talked like normal and even planned a Skype time to work on music. Well right up to him making the Skype call he texts me and cancels saying he had a mini emergency and that he would make it up to me. This was on halloween night (today is the day after Thanksgiving to give reference for future readers) so you can tell how recent this was. While she was in town, he mentioned a few times being stressed out and anxious. I associated that though with something else going on in his life not her being in town. He never told me what that mini emergency was but later that night i asked if everything was okay and he said things weren’t great but he was okay. Meanwhile his gf is sharing Instagram stories of them together carving pumpkins and dressing up for Halloween. Online it looked like everything was perfect. That nothing was wrong.

So at the beginning of this month after she left and went back home overseas, he seemed less stressed. But again associated that with something happening in his life that had past at this point so i just assumed he was relaxed from not having so much on his plate. But then i notice that he unfollowed his gf on social media and she did the same. This didn’t surprise me because periodically throughout their relationship they would do that and then follow each other again like a week or so later. Well a week went by and neither refollowed the other. So being me and having a crush on him, decided to see if he still had his relationship status on Facebook. When i noticed that he had taken the status off his main page, i clicked on his about and saw that he was still “in a relationship” with her but it wasn’t displayed on his main page like it used to be so i knew something was up. So our mutual friend suggested he would ask him what was going on. So he messaged him and gets back a response “no things aren’t great with us. It sucks” then all of a sudden he is listed as “single” on Facebook.

So after alllllllllll of that. Here’s where i need some help and if you stick with me up until here you are the real MVP cause that’s a lot. I mentioned that his ex-gf is not from America. Well turns out she’s moving to his city for an internship in February. So i have the next few months to really tell him how i feel about him. But my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same. I am afraid that his flirtatious attitude towards me was nothing more than just his way of dealing with the tragedy he had been through a few months earlier or if their relationship had been rocky even back then. I know he loves her and i am sure she loved him. I an afraid that if i don’t step up and tell him how I feel that when she does move there for school, that they will rekindle the flames. She was recently advertising on twitter for a roommate to live with while she was there, which to me was already a huge red flag that things were bad because she easily could have lived with him and his family rent free so why look for roommates? If it was me, i would pick rent free living with the boy i love over paying to live with friends. And even if they couldn’t live in his parents house with him, both of them have money and could afford to live together. They are both adults. Again, a better option than living with friends or random strangers especially when you have been apart from your bf for as long as you had and you finally get to be together everyday for 4 months.

I really don’t know if this decision to break up is final, but he has pretty much removed himself from anything having to do with her. They are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t removed their pics off his Instagram yet. But he also had a pretty public relationship with her and if he took down the pics people would ask him what’s going on. So i assume that he just doesn’t wanna talk about it or deal with it. He hasn’t even told me yet they broke up. We are very close on text, Skype, etc. but on Instagram, he barely acknowledges me. If i comment on his pics he will like other people’s comments but not mine (mind you he does get a lot of comments and may not see mine). He won’t like my pics (we follow each other) and says “i didn’t see it” but will like other pics of friends he follows. I don’t want to base how he feels about me on social media interaction, but it does make me wonder if he does like me?

So I’m really confused because on one hand he used to flirt with me, talk dirty with me, ask for dirty pics while having a gf. But stopped after i said i wasn’t comfortable with him doing this while dating this other girl. Ever since then everything has been platonic. I just don’t know what to do. He does give me his time even when he is busy, he does go out of his way to do things for me, he does still talk to me even when he is stressed or fighting with his gf. He does show that he cares, i just don’t know how much and it’s only confusing because he once acted like he did like me. I just have no idea if it was because he did like me or because he was dealing with so much depression and anxiety from his tragedy that he took it out on me by mindlessly flirting with me and it meant nothing to him while it meant everything to me.

Oh also, keep in mind. We have never met in person yet. We were going to when he was in town a few months ago but both of us were super busy and he didn’t have a car to really get around even though i said i would go pick him up, but him dinner, anything just to hang out and meet this guy I’ve been talking to for over a year. So idk if those were excuses he made to avoid me or if he truly was busy the whole time, idk. And before you say it, no he isn’t catfishing me because we have Skyped and he has sent me videos and stuff so he is who he says he is. I know that he isn’t avoiding me because he catfished me. His friend suggested maybe he avoided me because he does like me and since at the time he was dating his gf, that he didn’t want things to happen between us. Even his own best friend of 20?years thought he might like me based on his behaviors. Then later came back and said no that he really loves his ex and that i should move on. But now they aren’t together anymore and it looks to be permanent unless something happens in February when she moves out there. So basically, i have December and January to really make moves to show him that i like him but i am super shy and insecure about this stuff and I’m scared if he knows it will ruin our friendship and I would rather salvage our friendship than never tell him how i feel. But at the same time, i watched him be with this girl for a year and a half while i had a huge crush on him and that was torture. I feel like i have an opportunity to go for it with him and be brave and tell him but at the same time I’m scared that when he finds out he will stop talking to me even though I’m like 80% sure he already knows how I feel because I’m not exactly the best at hiding my feelings. Everyone around us had a feeling i liked him including his best friend.

Asexual: I don't like sex.