i want to

I watched the future fall out from underneath me, my stomach fell through the floor and my heart along with it. I watched the foundations of my life crumble to dust and my world stop turning.

I sat in front of the train tracks... crying... waiting...

"I can't do this with you anymore. I just want to be with other people."

Waiting... One train passes, I hesitate to step outside my car. I think about how the decision to end one's life is usually made in five minutes from the act.

"What you're asking of me isn't unreasonable but I don't want to put in that much effort right now."

Waiting... A second train passes, I'm standing on the platform so close to the edge someone tells me to be careful. I think about the pause Joli took before saying "we hit someone" explaining why her train was late the other day.

"I'm sorry, I didn't actually want you to be honest with me..."

Waiting... A third train passes, I walk back to my car, I call Lili. She picks up and asks what you did. How does she know? And I cry with her on the phone and explain that this will be the last time, that I have blocked you and I can never look back, that this was the last time.