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over the years, you learned how to do your make up, fix your hair, dress well— all to hide cracks in your being, to conceal the flaws you hated. you became pretty. this way, it didn’t matter if you were loud, or annoying, or weird. no one questions the pretty girl. 

it felt like a mask on most days. heavy. suffocating. but you learned to live with it. you learned to live with the mask so perfectly that you’ve forgotten how to take it off. for better or for worse, it became a part of you, and now, you can’t tell where the mask ends and the real you begins. 

you stare at yourself through the mirror, barefaced and raw. you can’t help but feel like… an anomaly. 

the mask is getting heavier. with each passing day, the cracks grow bigger. 

you don’t even know how you got here. on most days, the voices in your head that talked you down were mere whispers, easy enough to push back. to tuck away in some far corner of your brain and pretend it isn’t there. 

but the voices are especially loud today. 

yelling. 

so loud that you don’t notice the door to your bedroom open or mingyu walking in. you don’t notice his presence until he’s curling over you, arms winding around your middle as he rests his chin on your shoulder.  

“you okay?” he looks at you through the mirror with a fondness you don’t think you’ve ever felt from anyone. “was calling you for dinner but you weren’t responding.”

“oh.” your eyes dart to the ground. “sorry.”

you debate with yourself for a moment, unsure if you should tell him. he doesn’t need to hear it from you to know that you’re not okay, because he knows. he somehow always does. and maybe… that’s enough for you to feel seen. 

“you can tell me,” he says after a beat and he kisses your shoulder. “you can always tell me.”

your heart wrenches in your chest and the corners of your eyes sting. before you know it, tears are streaming down your cheeks. you hurry to wipe them away but mingyu turns you by the shoulders to face him. then his hands cup your cheeks to tilt your head to look at him.

“what’s wrong?” his voice is gentle, radiating with a warmth you want to drown in. 

his thumbs brush away at the stream of tears before he presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“gyu…” you start, trailing off when you hear your own voice start to quiver. his heart drops into his stomach because you never call him by name. 

you look at him, eyes glossy, and mingyu sees you. “i’m… i’m not too much, am i?”

mingyu thinks getting shot would hurt less than this.

“never, baby.”

you’ve never had a person, anyone to run to when you feel like you’re at your lowest. because you knew everyone around you already had a person, so no one ever really needed you.

but as you stand in the silence of your room, mingyu kissing your tears away, holding you like he’s terrified you’d break— you realize kim mingyu is your person. and you’re his, too. 

on tough days, and sad days, and mad days, and everything in between. through anger and laughter, and meltdowns and crashouts. on days you feel like you’re ripping at the seams, mingyu has seen every side of you and loves you still, patiently putting the pieces back together each time. 

you don’t know what you did to deserve him, and frankly, there’s a part of you that still believes that you don’t, not when you come with this many odd parts.

yet he’s here. showing up again and again, even on your worst days. 

he searches your eyes for a moment, then leans in to press kisses over your lids as your eyes flutter shut. “you are enough,” he says with a kiss to your forehead.

your lips quiver. you want to stop crying, to stop feeling like this, but you feel like a prisoner in your own mind.

“why do you stay?” the words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop yourself.

“because i love you,” he replies without hesitation. “because you’re my person, and there’s no one else i want but you.”

“i’m weird.”

he cracks a smile. “i like your weird.”

“i love your weird,” he follows up. “i love your weird, and your loud, and your different, and i dream about your laughter so i wake up yearning to hear it.”

you crack a smile too. mingyu’s chest finally loosens.

“i love you. every part of you,” he says, tender. sincere. real.

“thank you,” you whisper in reply. “i love you too.”

mingyu wakes up feeling like shit.

there’s a sinking feeling in his chest that’s telling him he’s the worst man in the entire universe.

just a few hours ago, he had you on your knees, fucking your throat raw. then he slapped you, tugged your hair, and tossed you around so he could fuck your other holes too. it felt good to have control over you, to see you cry and shrink beneath him as he fucked you sore— at least, in the moment, it did.  

now he lies awake on his side of the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. you’re sound asleep next to him, in one of his shirts, your arms wrapped around a stuffed animal he bought you. 

he wants to hold you, kiss your hair, tell you he loves you, but he can’t even look at you. not when all he can feel is shame for treating you the way he did. 

he swings his legs over the side of the mattress and just sits. the cold air of the a/c stings as he tears the blanket off his body, but he can’t really find the mind to care. the room is barely distinguishable in the darkness as he stares into the void, head reeling, scenes replaying in his mind in a loop. 

he can hear his own voice ring in his ears, every derogatory name he called you, every mean thing he said to you that he knows he didn’t mean but nevertheless, you don’t deserve. he feels like his chest is caving in. 

he takes a deep, unstable breath, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, and leans forward, elbows pressing into his thighs as he buries his face in shaky hands. 

“ggyu?”

you voice is still laced with sleep as you call out his name. you’re usually not a light sleeper, but the time you’ve spent with mingyu has made you attuned to each other; always in sync, like your hearts beat to the same rhythm. (you’re convinced it does.)

mingyu doesn’t answer. he feels the mattress shift, then feels your head rest on his back. you’ve moved to sit behind him, still sleepy and wrapped in your blanket as you lean against him from behind. 

”what’s wrong?” you ask him quietly, arms wrapping his middle tightly. 

with another shaky breath, he straightens up. 

“nothing,” he says as convincingly as he can, not wanting to worry you. “just… dropping… i think.”

your brows furrow. the drowsiness is knocked out of you when you hear his words, so you slip under his arms and force yourself onto his lap. then you reach over to his side table and switch on the lamp. as the warm light cascades onto his face, you can tell that the corners of his eyes are red, that his features are tense like he’s been trying his best not to cry. 

“not nothing,” you tell him softly, small hands cupping his face. “talk to me.” 

mingyu’s lip quivers as his eyes glaze over with tears. 

“i… can’t shake the feeling that i’m a horrible person for doing those things to you. to— to say those things when you’re the love of my life and—”

you place a hand gently on his chest, right above where his heart rests, and slot your lips against his in a deep, slow kiss. you kiss him with all the devotion and reverence you have for him, and he melts right into you, strong arms pulling you closer and tightening around your frame. 

you only pull away when your chest feels tight and your head is spinning. mingyu presses his forehead to yours, eyes closed. 

“i’m sorry for—”

“no,” you say stubbornly as you shake your head, cutting him off. you take a deep breath and look at him. his eyes are still closed, like he’s trying to avoid you. 

“look at me,” you tell him, equal parts gentle and firm, but your demeanor softens when his gaze meets yours. you’ve never seen him drop this bad and your heart breaks. 

“mingyu, i love you. i love you fiercely. you are not a bad boyfriend, okay? you make me feel so loved and important and safe that i’m ready, at all times, to offer myself up to you like that over and over and over again.”

mingyu stays silent. then he speaks.

“i feel like i hurt you. like i’m taking advantage of you.”

you cradle his jaw in the sanctity of your hands and he melts again, leans into your touch, and kisses your palm. you plant a kiss between his eyebrows, trying to ease the tension between them. 

“you didn’t hurt me,” you tell him sincerely, “i loved every minute of it. we have our safeword system for a reason, and i promise you, i will never forget to use it.”

he nods then kisses your palm again. with a deep breath, he takes your hands in his and gently kisses over your knuckles. 

“i love you,” he says, with the kind of love and sincerity that leaves your soul permanently marked. 

he trails light kisses from your knuckles, up your arms to your shoulders and neck, until he finally reaches your lips. he holds you in his arms like you’re the most precious thing in the world, like he’s scared you’ll disappear or break. he kisses you and kisses you and kisses you, pouring his everything into this one kiss until there’s nothing left for him to give.

when he pulls away, you rest your head in the curve where his neck and shoulder meet and place a hand over his heart. you can feel its rapid beating under your palm, but you feel it start to slow with every breath he takes. 

you both sit in silence for a while, but it’s not awkward or filled with tension. it’s calm and comforting and everything mingyu needs. 

“how are you feeling?” you ask him, breaking the silence. 

“fuck,” he rasps, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, “worst drop i’ve ever felt.”

you hum reassuringly in response. “happens. thank you for telling me.”

“thank you for comforting me,” he says, kissing your hair. 

you straighten up again to face him and your hands cup his cheeks, thumb caressing the swell of his cheek. “i love you, okay? i’m sorry too. i didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that.”

he chuckles and suddenly, your chest feels lighter. “hey, i knocked you out, baby. don’t apologize.”

“still. hurts to see you so down like that.” you hold out your pinky. “pinky promise me you’ll always let me know if and when you feel like you’re dropping.” 

he curls his pinky around yours, only to pull your hand to his lips and press a kiss to your knuckles again. 

“pinky promise.”

(you slump against him again and snuggle into his neck, nose pressing into his skin to breathe him in. 

“what time is it?” you ask. 

mingyu glances at the clock before pressing a kiss to your shoulder. “little past 4am.”

with gentle hands, you caress his sides. “gonna go back to sleep? or do you wanna stay up?”

“dunno. but i wanna be around you.”