Lizard Gutz

Shane is delighted and Ilya is embarrassed, especially when Svetlana starts talking about when they first met at age eight and how sweet and sensitive Ilya was.

"He was a little bit of a crybaby," she says with a teasing grin.

Ilya pouts, which does nothing to dispel the crybaby allegations.

"He brought an injured bird home once," Svetlana continues fondly. "When it died, he was inconsolable for days."

"What child wouldn't cry over a dead bird?" Ilya mutters, leaning in when Shane strokes his hair comfortingly.

"We gave it a funeral. Ilyushka carved it a tiny little cross."

Ilya huffs. "Jesus, why are we talking about funerals now? How depressing. Didn't you used to be fun, Sveta?"

Svetlana throws a pillow at him.

Later, once Shane and Ilya are alone in bed, Shane leans his head on Ilya's shoulder and tells him, "I wish I'd known you back then."

"Little crybaby Ilyushka?"

Shane pinches his chest. "Yes, little crybaby Ilyushka, you asshole. Sveta said you were sweet. You probably would've been nice to me."

"Am I not nice to you now?" Ilya wonders. "I always fuck you so good."

"That's not even remotely what I'm talking about. I just mean, maybe we would've been friends." Shane swallows. "I didn't really have any friends back then."

He'd been too weird. Too quiet most of the time, and too loud when he wasn't. He likes the thought that maybe sweet and sensitive Ilya, who cried for days over a dead bird he couldn't save, would have been kinder to him than the other kids were.

Ilya exhales shakily, breath tickling the top of Shane's head. "Yes, of course I would've been your friend. We would be, ah, childhood sweethearts?"

Shane's heart jumps at the idea. "Childhood sweethearts," he echoes happily.

Ilya hums. "Yes, I think so. Poor little Ilyushka would be defenseless against your boring Canadian charm."

"Poor big Ilyushka didn't do such a great job of resisting me, either."

"That is true," Ilya agrees.

Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.

someone talking about me: Yeah, she’s right here.

me: 

Which leads to a bit of an uproar because omg Shane Hollander has a girlfriend?? who plays hockey???? that's so on brand for him like. okay who was playing last night and got a goal in the first period, we need to find the woman who has Shane Hollander crooning into his phone like a lovestruck teenager. and the consensus lands on an unsuspecting and entirely unrelated CWHL forward who has never even been in the same city as Shane but the Internet is running with the story and there's journalists harassing her and Shane has to get his agent to call her agent so he can apologise for this mess and she's like, dude, I know it's not your fault, but Shane feels so fucking bad about it, you know?

And unfortunately it doesn't really let up as quickly as they thought because it's right before Christmas and isn't this a great story, fucking Hallmark movie shit, so a very unimpressed Leila (her name is Leila) has to look a reporter in the eye after her team just played a really good fucking game of hockey and everybody wants to talk to her about some fucking guy, you know? so she looks him in the eye and says, no, I am not dating Shane Hollander, I have never dated Shane Hollander, I will never date Shane Hollander, I am literally a lesbian. I have a whole-ass girlfriend. She plays for the Blades.